Everything is relative. individual. Everything to some, is not everything to others.
My everything would have a far different definition than your everything.
This is how dictionary.com defines "everything"
eve·ry·thing [ev-ree-thing] Pronunciation Key -
–pronoun 1. every thing or particular of an aggregate or total; all.
2. something extremely important: This news means everything to us.
–noun 3. something that is extremely or most important: Money is his everything.
and here is my EVERYTHING:
Mom and Zane
- singing "Girls Lie Too" for the millionth time at the top of our lungs, with the sun glasses on, and the windows down- making memories.
- buying massive mailboxes at junk yards- and not realizing the signifigance until after
- sleepless nights fueled by shell
- good conversation over coffee
- being told I'm loved more than anything in the whole entire world
- date nights with the brother- dinner and the movies
DETAILS
THE SMALL THINGS
THE SIMPLICITIES IN LIFE
give me an avacado
a tea bag
a ten cent package of the clear BIC pens with the black caps
give me a good conversation
a used book from Powells
some one of a kind item from Value Village
GETTING TRUE GENUINE HAPPINESS FROM THOSE THINGS- is part of my everything
Giving away my words- sending them off to the eyes of others- letting them resonate through the lives of others- and hopefully impacting someone in some way, shape, or form, from time to time.
Giving in general. Once again- small things. personal things.
Paying attention to people- and truly knowing them(once again reverts back to the whole DETAIL concept)
EVERYTHING- is going to change as the years pass
MY EVERYTHING- is going to change
and so is YOUR EVERYTHING
so enjoy your EVERYTHING in the here and now. Enjoy it while you have it....
because it is all too true that in a matter of months EVERYTHING that my life currently consists of- My enviornment, my day to to day life, my friends, the people influencing me- EVERYTHING will change.
But it's in realizing that EVERYTHING changes, and that it's simply part of life that I'm going to be able to cope with that...EVERYTHING will be okay.
So thats that.
And then there is our upcoming 2008 presidential election, and well, they don't call it a race for no reason. I've always mostly been unaware of presidential elections, I was younger and it was of no importance to me.
I've been having to keep up to date on the internet, visiting all the candidates websites reading all about them and their views on issues, their goals and plans for the country should they be elected.
And being that in fact this is a race, it is natural that they all want to come across that finish line first. If they were a product, they would want to sell themselves. But this is where I become irritated. This is politics we are talking about- so there is no cut and cry. HELLLO POLITICS. POLITICIANS. there is no cut and dry to be found.
But here is the deal, each candidate wants to win. Each candidate needs to appeal to the population in order to claim office. They each have to state THEIR views on various issues. But that's is my question. Are they really THEIR views? Or are they the views that they think a vast majority of people will hold. I suppose I'm not really asking a question, more making a statement.
It is true that when campaigning in a presidential election you cannot stay 100% true to all of your views- unless of course you are in the race to lose.
I get to vote in the upcoming race, and I was initially very excited about this. You know, getting to take a stand, make my opinion count towards what the future of our country is to look like. I'm not so excited now, as I am cautious. Voting to me, seems like quite the gambling game- you are given a glimpse of the candidates although cannot be certain what they will truly do until they are placed in office, and then, well, if it doesn't turn out how you'd thought it's a bit too late to go back and change your mind.
I will vote in this gambling game, my vote will count towards something. What exactly it's counting towards, that is the question- and not one you nor I can answer.
Oh the joys of politics...if the founding fathers could see us now.
My current host family took off for the week to go to the mountains, my assumption is that they didn't take me because of the obvious fact that I do not know how to ski. Which makes sense I suppose, why are you going to drag someone along on a ski trip if they don't know how to ski?
Anyways, so my current host mom arranged it so that for the week I would be staying with my new host family. I was informed of this on Friday, and was given the weekend to mentally prepare myself, although I was still nervous; scared, etc.
Yesterday was Monday, so around 6:30 p.m. I hopped the bus to my new host families house. Host Mom happened to be taking the garbage out as I was walking up to the door, so she looked up and smiled and me, put the garbage down and took me inside.
She didn't say one word in english, but instead began immediately speaking czech to me. She explained where my key was, and to just put it back on friday when I left. She then led me to my room, showed me the closet where I could put my stuff, and asked me if I was hungry.
I sat eating dinner across from host mom, as we talked about various things- all in Czech. She told me about her son and how he is currently in New York, on exchange, how he recently broke his thumb playing basketball. She told me about her job, about being a Judge and dealing with Criminal Law. I told her how I want to become a lawyer, and she told me that when I live with her I can come watch some of the court hearings- see how the European Continental System of law works. It was really good, and I think my Czech will get a lot better when I live there.
Host Dad and Host Sister seem nice as well, but are also awfully shy- so it will take me awhile to get a true feel for them. But I think it's going to be good.
I don't move there until the first week of March, which when I thought about it made me realize that by that time I will have lived with my current family for 6 months- which is a very long time. Time is passing at a rather rapid pace. really rapid.
So going to stay with my next host family was the first main event of the week...
the next comes friday
when I have to meet my 25 year old dance partner to go to dance lessons.
Mind you, I have never met this boy, nor have I ever even heard of this dance that I am about to learn.
This would all be the work of Rotary.
They are having a ball- are making us go to dance lessons to learn a dance for it- and asked that we have partners...
and so I recruited my friends to help- and my friend asked her friend- and there you go 25 year old is what came out of it.
I'm only hoping that it is going to be okay with Rotary- this would so not go over well at home- but then again, I'm not home.
Hope all is well
in whatever city, in which ever region of the world you find yourself,
I hope life is good-
that you are taking time to appreciate those in your life
and making a mental note of all the small things that make life incredible.
I read today on someone's folder at school
"Life is a Party" and so I say this:
so be the host
don't wait for someone else to throw a party
throw your own.
Be happy being you.
Oh and for those of you that think I'm funny
you might find humor in this,
because I did-
today the other girl from Washington came to visit
and I accidently coughed on her
and she said " Why did you cough on me?"
and I said, " I didn't, I was gracefully clearing my throat."
haha
if you don't find it funny- then I guess you had to be there.
Make today count- It will be gone tomorrow
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Holiday Break...and this thing we call Christmas
I have so much going around in my head, so much I want to share- I just wish you all had your own plug and could simply use a converter to tap into my outlet and access my thoughts. Yet, unfortunately converters in the sense of plugs only work with things like blow dryers and other such items, although a lot of the time people end up blowing them up anyways. And we wouldn't want to go blowing any of you up, now would we?
So that leaves me to simply divulge the contents of what's all in my head, to take words and weave them together to create a picture of whats going on in my head as well as in my life. And despite my best efforts my thoughts may end up all across the board- but that's just how it comes out sometimes- and that I'm learning is quite alright.
Because things don't always have to be structured and mapped out. Maps are capable of showing you your present location- and they have the ability to show you where you're going- but they can't tell you what all you're going to find when you get there. If you don't know what you will find, have not the slightest clue, that doesn't make you bad or unprepared- it simply makes you human. I used to thrive on structure and plans, I was comfortable with them, but now too much of either causes me to feel as though I'm being suffocated, stiffled. Yes strucutre and plans belong in some places, yet not in others.
I used to place myself in a box of structure- and when choices I made or actions I carried out, fell outside of that box, in my eyes I had failed. I had let people down. Yet it is now that I am able to see, that in straying from my box of strucutre I wasn't letting anyone down- I just had convinced myself I was. I was being harder on myself and placing more judgement on myself than anyone else was.
In regards to that, I see change in myself. I step out of that box of structure I created for myself and I don't beat myself up for doing so. Life is about trial and error, and error shows up quite frequently- I was going to wear myself down if I was so judgemental of myself everytime my trial turned into error. I am growing up, and from here on out my errors will get more complex, it will take more to fix them, reverse them, repair them. But that is okay- these things are what life consists of- they're inevitable, so you might as well learn to deal with them- allow yourself to acknowledge that failure in any area of your life is normal. And ask yourself, "Is it really failure if you learn from it?"
Failure is defined as "a lack of success or adequacy" Yet, isn't that all relative? Success in who's eyes? adequate to whom? Success has come out of a lot of things that I could consider failures, I've learned many things about myself through failure, grown, revised and redited aspects of myself. Failure is a teacher we have been taught to be afraid of, when in truth its the best teacher we will ever have.
Moving swiftly along, let me depict my last week for you- a really good week, filled with various different emotions- highs, lows, and every level inbetween.
Friday- I was simply in a funk that morning, kind of out of it, letting loneliness creep in my thoughts. So i got up, got ready, rode the bus to school, and it really didn't take too long for my funk to end.
As soon as I walk into the classroom my friends call to me " Pod sem!... Pod sem!"
(Come here! Come here!) So i go over and are handed Christmas cards, and then my one friend hands me this envelope, which I tear open only to find this photo collage of all of us friends, with PF written in the middle which is french, and means to congratulate- and is what they send off for good wishes for the new year. And I was happy, and overwhelmed, and I had to hold back tears. My friends here continue to amaze me- continue to blow me away, to do the unexpected.
*This is the picture collage, that almost made me cry*
*and these would be my friends*
During class my friend Lucie, told me that her grandmother had died the previous day, and that she needed a black coat to wear, and it would it be possible for her to borrow my black pea coat I always wear. Of course it was no problem. So after school we went out for coffee with friends and visited about various things, and then Lucie came home with me.
We arrived at my house and I told her she could come in, but she insisted it was okay, she didn't need to, that I could just grab the coat, she didn't want to be a bother. You, see, she knows that it's not my house, and that my host mom was home, and she didn't want to make it awkward for me. I kept insisting she could come in, but she wouldn't hear of it, and I just found that awfully thoughtful of her.
After I grabbed the coat we went back to Lucies house for awhile, and then went and ran errands together, and then I went home.
The afternoon hadn't consisted of anything extremely exciting, but it had been a really good and fullfilling day for me.
Then that night I met up with my friends around 7, and we eventually made our way to a disco and all went dancing, and I got home about 1:15 a.m.
So Friday was a perfect start to break.
And then there is Saturday, and when I break it down Saturday kind of freaks me out. Was quite possibly one of the most obvious "sliding doors" experiences- or at least one of the one's that you actually notice. ( * sliding doors refers to the concept that if one event is slightly altered, for example you miss the train, or you manage to get on it- that one choice will change everything that is to follow)
So Saturday I met up with Julie, one of the other exchange students here, who is from Canada, because we have taken to hanging out when our Czech friends are unavailable, which is quite often.
We meet up, and I decide that I am hungry, so there is this small food court and we decide that pizza sounds good, so we get in line, but when it's our turn we are told that they are all out of pizza.
So then we decide we will go to this other mall (if you can call it that) and eat in that food court, because they too have pizza.
So we get on the bus and we are going along, when we pass McDonalds, and Julie goes jokingly "well, we could always go to Mcdonalds." and I was like, "you know, for some strange reason that actually sounds good to me."
So we made our way off the bus, walked to Mcdonalds, ordered and sat down to eat. And as we are eating I look down and see an add for the movie P.S. I Love You. And I was like " Oh my gosh, this is playing here already?!" ( because for example we didnt get Knocked up here until October) So Julie goes, " Well you want to go see it tonight?" and of course I answered yes.
So we went to the movies, and it was in English and I was so excited, you really don't understand the worth of a movie in english until you live in a place where thats not so often.
The movie was amazing, and touched me in ways it probably didn't touch others. I found myself laughing hysterically one moment, and crying like a big baby the next. The movie consisted of love, loss, relationships, moving on. There was so much in that two hours that toyed with my emotions, and when i walked out of the theater I was still crying...I couldn't stop. And then I started laughing, because when I walked out of the theater with tears running down my face, I got some of the strangest looks from Czech men who had emerged from the movie with their significant other.
And after seeing that movie, I decide my mom needed to also. So i sent her an e-mail, with an attachment, that she was not to read, but to print and keep safely in her purse, until she was waiting for the movie to begin. Because I knew the movie would touch her, in the same way it touched me.
Also, when I got home I told my host parents that I would watch my little host sister, and that they needed to go see the movie also.
Now let's back up a moment shall we- to go through how this was a sliding doors experience.
There had to be no pizza at the first place we tried to eat, because had there been- we would have eaten, and probably would have not aquired knowledge that the movie was playing.
Now you can think I'm crazy, that I've completely lost my mind- but in that playing out I was able to touch my mom- to give her something I wouldn't have had to give her otherwise.
The whole lack of pizza- changed everything.
And that is why this life thing is so complex, and no one can figure it out, because a lack of pizza would generally be overlooked as an insignificant detail- but it turns out it was rather significant.
Sunday- was not very eventful- hung out at home- but then Lucie came over to give me back my coat.
I told her that it wasn't a big deal, that she didn't have to worry about getting it back to me, but she was all worried about it.
So she comes over and calls me from outside the gate to my house, so I go meet her and she hands me this bag- so I take it, assuming that just my coat is in it.
So we talk for awhile, and then I go back inside and take out my coat- but that is not all that's there.
There is also a box of chocolate ( which I shamefully have consumed all by myself)
and a book, "Happiness Is" ( but in czech of course). And once again I was blown away, by the things my friends are doing for me- they've known me three months- and they do for me, as though they've known me much longer.
And then, I had a moment where I just lost it, and I couldn't stop crying. Deep heaving sobs, because I don't want to have to leave all of this behind. Because I was aware that leaving is something very real, and that the longer I'm here, the more attached I will get. But then I started writing, and basically wrote myself through my meltdown...concluding that perhaps these people were only supposed to come into my life for a short while to be amazing friends, and teach me lessons about life, and myself, that I will forever carry with me. So when I leave, I won't have them physically with me, but they will always be a part of me, for what they added to my life when I was around.
And now we finally find ourselves at Monday- Christmas Eve,
which is when everything is carried out here anyways, the dinner, the gift opening.
Christmas Eve is also when the tree goes up.
And at some point I had gone upstairs for awhile, and when I came back down there was the tree- lit and decorated, and my house looked like something from a movie, if you don't believe me, just see for yourself:
*these stairs, by the way, I've fallen down twice- it's painful, I don't recommend it*
Dinner consisted of Carp (Kapr) soup, fried Carp, as well as potato salad.
The soup was really good, and thankfully host dad didn't inform me until I had finished it- that it was really important to only use the head of the fish for the soup for it to turn out right. ha.
And the Carp was good as well, but this is how dinner felt to me. It felt as though I had brought a summer picnic to Decemeber, with the potato salad, and like I'd decided to venture over to the coast for some fish and chips. It was a strange combination, but it was good- and I suppose that's what matters.
Gift opening was fun, as we have a little one, my youngest host sister is two, and it's been a long time since I've done Christmas with a little one. It is quite exciting to sit back and watch the excitement, the wonder, and innocence shine through on their faces.
Host Dad got host mom a grammaphone, which was really neat, although she couldn't stop laughing, because something is wrong with it and when it plays it sounds like something is dying.
Tuesday- Christmas
It just didn't feel like Christmas, it did not feel as though I was celebrating my
18th Christmas, but instead like I was celebrating some Holiday I've never known before. I guess, in a sense, I was. This was Christmas, unlike I have ever known it.
We drove out into the country to visit family, and although there wasn't a ton of snow on the ground, it was lightly dusted, and I had my white Christmas after all.
We sat around eating, and visiting, laughing.
and at one point we went for a walk, across this big open snow dusted field- and I was just happy, I had nothing to complain about- I was living, breathing, and it was Christmas.
Yesterday the Candadian exchange students friend, showed up to visit her. Her dad is a pilot, so getting here was free, and no problem. And I had asked if she could bring me one thing.
A book entitled "Blue Like Jazz" (yes I am aware that book titles are supposed to be underlined and not put in parenthesis, although this thing does not allow you to underline things, thus parethesis have been substituted for underlining)by Donald Miller, who happens to be from Portland.
The book is nonreligious thoughts on the Christian spirituality, which you are probably thinking is a strange thing for me to read, since I'm not really religious.
But that doesn't matter with this book, it is simply a really good book.
I read it for the first time this summer, before I left, I actually read it a couple of times this summer.
And there are several occasions since being here when I have simply wanted to pick that book up and read it, so when the friend was coming, that is what i asked for.
I picked it up, and began to read it last night, and the book is still good, still the same book, yet it's not quite as good as I recall it being. The book has not changed, it still holds the same words it did this summer, so the logical explanation would be that I have somehow changed, or shifted. Which is simply a strange thought- that a book can show you how you've altered. Because it is not as though I sit hear constantly aware of the ways in which I'm changing- I don't think most of it will hit me until I come home. But that book- it caught me off guard, that's all.
I hope everyone had a good Christmas,
whatever it is you ended up doing- I hope you made the best out of it
that you cherised the moments with that crazy family of yours
that you laughed at all the mishaps
that you remebered that it's the thought that counts
and gave- because you wanted to, and not because you felt you had to.
New Years is coming and I'm rather excited,
not because it's the start of something new and a list of resolutions- because I don't need to start over just yet, and I set my resolutions when I feel it's right, not when the Calendar turns back to one.
Yet I'm excited to start 2008 in an entirely new place, with friends that I aquired near the end of 2007.
It may be the end of the year- but something else is getting started- 2008, and it will be whatever you choose to make it.
YOU CHOOSE.
You've got to stop pointing fingers, as to why life isn't what you want it to be.
Look in that mirror, and realize, that regardless of how many people you have in your life, REALIZE that that person looking back at you is the one person you've always got. They arn't going anywhere.
So make 2008 "YOUR YEAR"
Live life, get what you can out of it
because things arn't just going to happen- you're going to have to go after what you want...but I'll tell you a secret...
it's worth it.
So here is to a year of self discovery,
of new things,
of LIVING, LAUGHING, and LOVING
make it what you want. But make it something.
So that leaves me to simply divulge the contents of what's all in my head, to take words and weave them together to create a picture of whats going on in my head as well as in my life. And despite my best efforts my thoughts may end up all across the board- but that's just how it comes out sometimes- and that I'm learning is quite alright.
Because things don't always have to be structured and mapped out. Maps are capable of showing you your present location- and they have the ability to show you where you're going- but they can't tell you what all you're going to find when you get there. If you don't know what you will find, have not the slightest clue, that doesn't make you bad or unprepared- it simply makes you human. I used to thrive on structure and plans, I was comfortable with them, but now too much of either causes me to feel as though I'm being suffocated, stiffled. Yes strucutre and plans belong in some places, yet not in others.
I used to place myself in a box of structure- and when choices I made or actions I carried out, fell outside of that box, in my eyes I had failed. I had let people down. Yet it is now that I am able to see, that in straying from my box of strucutre I wasn't letting anyone down- I just had convinced myself I was. I was being harder on myself and placing more judgement on myself than anyone else was.
In regards to that, I see change in myself. I step out of that box of structure I created for myself and I don't beat myself up for doing so. Life is about trial and error, and error shows up quite frequently- I was going to wear myself down if I was so judgemental of myself everytime my trial turned into error. I am growing up, and from here on out my errors will get more complex, it will take more to fix them, reverse them, repair them. But that is okay- these things are what life consists of- they're inevitable, so you might as well learn to deal with them- allow yourself to acknowledge that failure in any area of your life is normal. And ask yourself, "Is it really failure if you learn from it?"
Failure is defined as "a lack of success or adequacy" Yet, isn't that all relative? Success in who's eyes? adequate to whom? Success has come out of a lot of things that I could consider failures, I've learned many things about myself through failure, grown, revised and redited aspects of myself. Failure is a teacher we have been taught to be afraid of, when in truth its the best teacher we will ever have.
Moving swiftly along, let me depict my last week for you- a really good week, filled with various different emotions- highs, lows, and every level inbetween.
Friday- I was simply in a funk that morning, kind of out of it, letting loneliness creep in my thoughts. So i got up, got ready, rode the bus to school, and it really didn't take too long for my funk to end.
As soon as I walk into the classroom my friends call to me " Pod sem!... Pod sem!"
(Come here! Come here!) So i go over and are handed Christmas cards, and then my one friend hands me this envelope, which I tear open only to find this photo collage of all of us friends, with PF written in the middle which is french, and means to congratulate- and is what they send off for good wishes for the new year. And I was happy, and overwhelmed, and I had to hold back tears. My friends here continue to amaze me- continue to blow me away, to do the unexpected.
*This is the picture collage, that almost made me cry*
*and these would be my friends*
During class my friend Lucie, told me that her grandmother had died the previous day, and that she needed a black coat to wear, and it would it be possible for her to borrow my black pea coat I always wear. Of course it was no problem. So after school we went out for coffee with friends and visited about various things, and then Lucie came home with me.
We arrived at my house and I told her she could come in, but she insisted it was okay, she didn't need to, that I could just grab the coat, she didn't want to be a bother. You, see, she knows that it's not my house, and that my host mom was home, and she didn't want to make it awkward for me. I kept insisting she could come in, but she wouldn't hear of it, and I just found that awfully thoughtful of her.
After I grabbed the coat we went back to Lucies house for awhile, and then went and ran errands together, and then I went home.
The afternoon hadn't consisted of anything extremely exciting, but it had been a really good and fullfilling day for me.
Then that night I met up with my friends around 7, and we eventually made our way to a disco and all went dancing, and I got home about 1:15 a.m.
So Friday was a perfect start to break.
And then there is Saturday, and when I break it down Saturday kind of freaks me out. Was quite possibly one of the most obvious "sliding doors" experiences- or at least one of the one's that you actually notice. ( * sliding doors refers to the concept that if one event is slightly altered, for example you miss the train, or you manage to get on it- that one choice will change everything that is to follow)
So Saturday I met up with Julie, one of the other exchange students here, who is from Canada, because we have taken to hanging out when our Czech friends are unavailable, which is quite often.
We meet up, and I decide that I am hungry, so there is this small food court and we decide that pizza sounds good, so we get in line, but when it's our turn we are told that they are all out of pizza.
So then we decide we will go to this other mall (if you can call it that) and eat in that food court, because they too have pizza.
So we get on the bus and we are going along, when we pass McDonalds, and Julie goes jokingly "well, we could always go to Mcdonalds." and I was like, "you know, for some strange reason that actually sounds good to me."
So we made our way off the bus, walked to Mcdonalds, ordered and sat down to eat. And as we are eating I look down and see an add for the movie P.S. I Love You. And I was like " Oh my gosh, this is playing here already?!" ( because for example we didnt get Knocked up here until October) So Julie goes, " Well you want to go see it tonight?" and of course I answered yes.
So we went to the movies, and it was in English and I was so excited, you really don't understand the worth of a movie in english until you live in a place where thats not so often.
The movie was amazing, and touched me in ways it probably didn't touch others. I found myself laughing hysterically one moment, and crying like a big baby the next. The movie consisted of love, loss, relationships, moving on. There was so much in that two hours that toyed with my emotions, and when i walked out of the theater I was still crying...I couldn't stop. And then I started laughing, because when I walked out of the theater with tears running down my face, I got some of the strangest looks from Czech men who had emerged from the movie with their significant other.
And after seeing that movie, I decide my mom needed to also. So i sent her an e-mail, with an attachment, that she was not to read, but to print and keep safely in her purse, until she was waiting for the movie to begin. Because I knew the movie would touch her, in the same way it touched me.
Also, when I got home I told my host parents that I would watch my little host sister, and that they needed to go see the movie also.
Now let's back up a moment shall we- to go through how this was a sliding doors experience.
There had to be no pizza at the first place we tried to eat, because had there been- we would have eaten, and probably would have not aquired knowledge that the movie was playing.
Now you can think I'm crazy, that I've completely lost my mind- but in that playing out I was able to touch my mom- to give her something I wouldn't have had to give her otherwise.
The whole lack of pizza- changed everything.
And that is why this life thing is so complex, and no one can figure it out, because a lack of pizza would generally be overlooked as an insignificant detail- but it turns out it was rather significant.
Sunday- was not very eventful- hung out at home- but then Lucie came over to give me back my coat.
I told her that it wasn't a big deal, that she didn't have to worry about getting it back to me, but she was all worried about it.
So she comes over and calls me from outside the gate to my house, so I go meet her and she hands me this bag- so I take it, assuming that just my coat is in it.
So we talk for awhile, and then I go back inside and take out my coat- but that is not all that's there.
There is also a box of chocolate ( which I shamefully have consumed all by myself)
and a book, "Happiness Is" ( but in czech of course). And once again I was blown away, by the things my friends are doing for me- they've known me three months- and they do for me, as though they've known me much longer.
And then, I had a moment where I just lost it, and I couldn't stop crying. Deep heaving sobs, because I don't want to have to leave all of this behind. Because I was aware that leaving is something very real, and that the longer I'm here, the more attached I will get. But then I started writing, and basically wrote myself through my meltdown...concluding that perhaps these people were only supposed to come into my life for a short while to be amazing friends, and teach me lessons about life, and myself, that I will forever carry with me. So when I leave, I won't have them physically with me, but they will always be a part of me, for what they added to my life when I was around.
And now we finally find ourselves at Monday- Christmas Eve,
which is when everything is carried out here anyways, the dinner, the gift opening.
Christmas Eve is also when the tree goes up.
And at some point I had gone upstairs for awhile, and when I came back down there was the tree- lit and decorated, and my house looked like something from a movie, if you don't believe me, just see for yourself:
*these stairs, by the way, I've fallen down twice- it's painful, I don't recommend it*
Dinner consisted of Carp (Kapr) soup, fried Carp, as well as potato salad.
The soup was really good, and thankfully host dad didn't inform me until I had finished it- that it was really important to only use the head of the fish for the soup for it to turn out right. ha.
And the Carp was good as well, but this is how dinner felt to me. It felt as though I had brought a summer picnic to Decemeber, with the potato salad, and like I'd decided to venture over to the coast for some fish and chips. It was a strange combination, but it was good- and I suppose that's what matters.
Gift opening was fun, as we have a little one, my youngest host sister is two, and it's been a long time since I've done Christmas with a little one. It is quite exciting to sit back and watch the excitement, the wonder, and innocence shine through on their faces.
Host Dad got host mom a grammaphone, which was really neat, although she couldn't stop laughing, because something is wrong with it and when it plays it sounds like something is dying.
Tuesday- Christmas
It just didn't feel like Christmas, it did not feel as though I was celebrating my
18th Christmas, but instead like I was celebrating some Holiday I've never known before. I guess, in a sense, I was. This was Christmas, unlike I have ever known it.
We drove out into the country to visit family, and although there wasn't a ton of snow on the ground, it was lightly dusted, and I had my white Christmas after all.
We sat around eating, and visiting, laughing.
and at one point we went for a walk, across this big open snow dusted field- and I was just happy, I had nothing to complain about- I was living, breathing, and it was Christmas.
Yesterday the Candadian exchange students friend, showed up to visit her. Her dad is a pilot, so getting here was free, and no problem. And I had asked if she could bring me one thing.
A book entitled "Blue Like Jazz" (yes I am aware that book titles are supposed to be underlined and not put in parenthesis, although this thing does not allow you to underline things, thus parethesis have been substituted for underlining)by Donald Miller, who happens to be from Portland.
The book is nonreligious thoughts on the Christian spirituality, which you are probably thinking is a strange thing for me to read, since I'm not really religious.
But that doesn't matter with this book, it is simply a really good book.
I read it for the first time this summer, before I left, I actually read it a couple of times this summer.
And there are several occasions since being here when I have simply wanted to pick that book up and read it, so when the friend was coming, that is what i asked for.
I picked it up, and began to read it last night, and the book is still good, still the same book, yet it's not quite as good as I recall it being. The book has not changed, it still holds the same words it did this summer, so the logical explanation would be that I have somehow changed, or shifted. Which is simply a strange thought- that a book can show you how you've altered. Because it is not as though I sit hear constantly aware of the ways in which I'm changing- I don't think most of it will hit me until I come home. But that book- it caught me off guard, that's all.
I hope everyone had a good Christmas,
whatever it is you ended up doing- I hope you made the best out of it
that you cherised the moments with that crazy family of yours
that you laughed at all the mishaps
that you remebered that it's the thought that counts
and gave- because you wanted to, and not because you felt you had to.
New Years is coming and I'm rather excited,
not because it's the start of something new and a list of resolutions- because I don't need to start over just yet, and I set my resolutions when I feel it's right, not when the Calendar turns back to one.
Yet I'm excited to start 2008 in an entirely new place, with friends that I aquired near the end of 2007.
It may be the end of the year- but something else is getting started- 2008, and it will be whatever you choose to make it.
YOU CHOOSE.
You've got to stop pointing fingers, as to why life isn't what you want it to be.
Look in that mirror, and realize, that regardless of how many people you have in your life, REALIZE that that person looking back at you is the one person you've always got. They arn't going anywhere.
So make 2008 "YOUR YEAR"
Live life, get what you can out of it
because things arn't just going to happen- you're going to have to go after what you want...but I'll tell you a secret...
it's worth it.
So here is to a year of self discovery,
of new things,
of LIVING, LAUGHING, and LOVING
make it what you want. But make it something.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
There's Just Something About...
Watching an old couple vacate the bus. It's nothing like watching a person of my age or younger, step off the bus- but more like a moment that triggers some unexplainable thing within you.
This morning on my way home I watched this little old lady, slowly but surely make her way off of the bus, and then once her feet were on solid ground, she turned around, held out her hand, and helped her husband, who held a cane in one hand- and bags in another, safely step off the bus.
We grow up being constantly reminded that the male species is superior. Stronger. Better. Yet in that moment, watching the old women, help the old man, there was no distinction between superior and inferior- his body was just as weak and frail as hers. Age is not sexist. Ages comes whether we like it to or not. It is something most dread- but why dread something that is inevitable?
Yes the male is physically built superior to that of a female. Yet there is more to each species than the physical aspect. Yes men can use their strength to beat women, to hold them down- but does using power they were given without having to work for, to place others in vulnerable and inferior positions, is that really being superior?
So Men are stronger, so what? Eventually age will take over, and just as I saw today that will no longer matter. The women will help lead the man off the bus, and not because she has become superior- but because the male has finally seen what its like to be physically inferior. Because with age- there is no longer a clear and distinct difference- they become one in the same.
Alright that's all I've got for now, naturally there is more going on in this head of mine- but I either can't find the right way to put it down, or I'm not sure it should be pasted across cyberspace...so like always more will come later.
Tak Cau,
Mit hezky den ( have a good day)
This morning on my way home I watched this little old lady, slowly but surely make her way off of the bus, and then once her feet were on solid ground, she turned around, held out her hand, and helped her husband, who held a cane in one hand- and bags in another, safely step off the bus.
We grow up being constantly reminded that the male species is superior. Stronger. Better. Yet in that moment, watching the old women, help the old man, there was no distinction between superior and inferior- his body was just as weak and frail as hers. Age is not sexist. Ages comes whether we like it to or not. It is something most dread- but why dread something that is inevitable?
Yes the male is physically built superior to that of a female. Yet there is more to each species than the physical aspect. Yes men can use their strength to beat women, to hold them down- but does using power they were given without having to work for, to place others in vulnerable and inferior positions, is that really being superior?
So Men are stronger, so what? Eventually age will take over, and just as I saw today that will no longer matter. The women will help lead the man off the bus, and not because she has become superior- but because the male has finally seen what its like to be physically inferior. Because with age- there is no longer a clear and distinct difference- they become one in the same.
Alright that's all I've got for now, naturally there is more going on in this head of mine- but I either can't find the right way to put it down, or I'm not sure it should be pasted across cyberspace...so like always more will come later.
Tak Cau,
Mit hezky den ( have a good day)
Sunday, December 16, 2007
The Inner Workings In The Mind Of A 17 Year Old Girl
It is strange how some realizations come about, or perhaps where they choose to come about. I ride the bus everyday, several times a day- and on this particular Wednesday afternoon- when I was heading towards the square- away from home- a certain realization decided to breakthrough.
For seventeen years, I have felt loved, and have been surrounded by those that love me. Right now- at this point in my life- love is not such an ever present thing- it's not lurking right around the corner, it currently lies in a land far far away. I am loved, I know this- that is not the issue. It is just not having that love constantly around you that causes loneliness to come knocking on your door, and sometimes when loneliness knocks, you unfortunately answer.
But it's okay, because sometimes loneliness can be quite a positive thing, which I've recently learned since being here. Sometimes it causes you to sit back and revaluate things, gain knew perspectives, decide what truly is important as well as who and what matters to you.
my heart, I also believe, is sick. sick. and hurting, bitter, resentful, distanced, guarded, neutral. Never before in my life has the phrase "out of sight out of mind" rang so true, never have I felt like a victim of that short string of words,that is, until now.
"How are you?" or "How's Life?" are things I haven't heard from anyone in a very very long time.
out of sight, out of mind.
It simply causes a melancholy feeling, an unexplainable ache.
People have dismissed my existence because I am across an ocean.
I guess I underestimated the power of the Atlantic.
And things on this side of the Atlantic as far as Americans go- are pulling on my heart strings as well.
Words can be quite powerful, this I'm sure you know, and I am a frequent participater of placing words down on paper, of formulating strings of words, that in turn form sentences, that make up this piece of me I've created.
Since words are something I enjoy so much- I think that may possibly be why I take them very personally.
I was recently informed that the mass majority of the other exchange students do not like me at all and have said things to the effect of "She is a typical American Girl and should not be here."
They also created a club of which I am the only member, as the person they would push in front of a moving bus.
Now that sounds like a really mature thing to say, I know.
And I'm at an age where statements like that should be able to be brushed off easily- but really is there an age for that? Do things like that ever stop getting to you?
I am trying to let it not bother me. trying would be the operative word. Because as much as I would like to sit here and say that those words arn't getting to me at all- I would be lying to myself.
I shouldn't be here?
those are some rather strong words- quite possibly one of the most offensive things that could have been said.
I realize people arn't always going to like you, it's just how life works- but having the mass majority of a group of 24 dislike you, when they are the only other people here going through what you are you just feel sort of hurt.
All I did was be myself,
and apparently myself was something most of them don't care for.
But I'm still confused as to why I am letting this get to me so much, because the truth is I don't really enjoy spending time with most of them anyway. The exchange student get togethers are all about who wants who, and who is going to "hook up" with who, as well as getting drunk.
First of all, if I was going to "hook up" with anyone while here, it would not be anyone from the North American continent, it would be a Czech- I am in Czech, Americans are waiting back at home.
And getting drunk I would prefer to do with Czechs as well, because drinking with Czechs is quite different than drinking with Americans.
So I don't really mesh with them either- but I don't sit around claiming that they don't belong here, that they shouldn't be here.
These are the times when I am so very aware of my age, when I feel like seventeen is compatable with age five and I'm running home to tell mom, " She said we wern't best friends anymore!"
I just feel with my new found self suffienct life style- I should be able to rise above words- let them go, but then again I'm only human.
Now on a happier note
my czech friends are truly making my experience here amazing
their care and concern
the way they enjoy my company and I enjoy theirs
the way we tease and laugh and joke together
I've only known them about three months,
and yet I feel like I've known them for so much longer
I am invested- and sometimes when I think of what they've given me
I get teary eyed
because I realize that just as I came and jumped in
I will have to eventually leave and jump out
but I mostly don't think about that
I just sit back and enjoy the time,
cherish the memories,
because things come and go in life
and you can't enjoy them if all you do is sit and worry about when they're going to go.
Oh and it always catches me off guard when things come about in times when they are most needed. I was browsing through my saved documents today, opening one’s with random titles, seeing what was there to be found. And I came across something that I think I needed to read, something that caused the step in my bounce to be just a bit lighter.
What I found was a piece of writing I’d written after being out one night with a couple of friends back home. At three a.m. we had loaded Grant’s guitar into the trunk of his car and he, Allie, and I- headed to a spot along the river, and he played and sang, and it was just one of those nights that stick with you. But as what generally occurs I had gone and forgotten about that night- about my thoughts and feelings that night, until I read my account of the evening, which I’d written to remind myself of the time when days, months, and years had passed and that night had been long forgotten. And so here it was today reminding me-
And I just thought I’d share it with you- perhaps there is something for others to gain from it as well...
March 24, 2007
"Tonight was simply one of those nights that don't happen on purpose, one of those nights where you follow where you are lead, one of those nights that will stick with a girl when she is off in the middle of the Czech Republic all by herself, without these friends, without the familiar surroundings. With all those things gone, she will still have that memory, I will still have that to hold onto, if nothing else. I don't even know where to start. Should I begin with the water? The calm and copacetic water, that had initially been dead and still when we arrived, and as the songs played, the melody and harmony filling the air, with nothing to catch the sound, the water picked up, the ripples across it became more frequent, the movement more aggressive as though our presence made an impact on how the water went about its business. I sat there, the strumming of the guitar vibrating in my eardrums, as Grant's voice broke through, and just watched, took it all in. At one point is was as though there was no music, I was so drawn in by the constant flow of ripples that moved back and forth... back and forth..., they sucked me in, grabbed and held my attention, placed me in some sort of trance. And then there was the bridge. The same bridge I have seen and gone over dozens and dozens of times, but for once, I actually saw it, the detail, what it truly is. I counted...one...two...three....and finally a total of six arches that I could see from where I sat. Occasionally, there would be fragments of time in which no cars would cross, and it seemed as though everything had stopped, except the three of us, as though through some unexplainable reason, the music created life, was the force that kept bringing the cars over the bridge, a welcoming, that those cars had no idea they were receiving. The log in which we sat, I suppose was just a log, it could have been any log, but tonight it was our log. It had the perfect little wedge in which I swung one of my legs over, and although I was not always conscious of it, my feet never stopped moving, perhaps because the music was calling to them, because to be still would be an insult to music itself. These nights, these times, are what I need to keep me going next year, points in which forgetting the surrounding takes away from the meaning and significance that it holds. If I can't remember what my room looks like, where exactly my bed is positioned, it will be okay, as long as I can hold this night within my head, as long as out of all the pictures that don't last, that these one's do."
I don't know, it just reminded me of where I was at mentally in March, where I am now, and just the shifts and changes that have occured since then. A lot has happened in life since March- and it all has been good stuff, even now looking back the hard things have toughened me up, I gained something from them, so I can't really complain.
Which in turn reminded me of how at this time of year it is common for people to send out Christmas cards with letters included telling all about how the past year has been for them- although what it truly is, is a masked and sugar coated version of what their year was like- they arn't real. Sure you can have really good years- but life is anything but flawless, there are always going to be bumps in the road, obstacles- but never before have I read about those in anyones Christmas letters.
So I am going to recap my year- honestly- because everyone knows life is all over the place.
This past year has consisted of heart break, realizing what is important, rebuilding relationships, and learning a lot of lessons.
My heart was invested in a person more than it ever has been, only to be mangaled and handed back to me- but I would do it all over again, because despite the fact that at the time it wasn't fun going through it- I came out realizing a lot about who I could choose to become, and who I want to be. I had settled for treatment I was unworthy of, that anyone would have been unworthy of. But I learned.
My mom and I started the year off more distanced than we had ever been, and I started the year with the attitude that, that wasn't going to change. I put up a wall and had convinced myself that there was no getting in. Fortunately, a lot of pivotal moments occured in our relationship, and my wall came down- THANK GOD. And right before I left we were closer than I think we have ever been. My mom is one amazing lady, and everytime I talk about her here, people go, " Wow your mom sounds amazing." and I just smile that crooked smile of mine that she loves so much, and say, "Yeah, she is."
I left my whole world behind- and took on the endevour of building a new one.
I learned the meaning of self sufficient
I learned that sometimes you've only got yourself to lean on
I finally understood what people meant when they talked about loneliness
and learned that I'm capable of confrontation although it makes me what to curl up in a ball and just roll away
I got the most painful ulcer on my leg- and it was nasty, so nasty
I decided that I want children, when before that was not even an option, they were out of the question.
I learned that changing your mind about things is perfectly alright, and that sometimes life isn't going to end up how you've planned- things change- you change.
It is okay to have no idea what you are doing...there can't always be a plan.
This past year, the whole year- consisted of a lot of learning. I learned tough lessons, I shed a lot of tears, had more than enough laughs, never enough sleep, bad fights, late nights, and lots of coffee and tea.
It wasn't flawless, in fact it was flawfull ( no that is not a word, but I'm using it anyway)but hey, that's life.
New Years is coming,
naturally after Christmas as it does every year-
and don't get me wrong it's a fun holiday
but I don't quite like it's meaning, what it stands for
generally if people are going to make new starts
they do so starting January 1st,
but why can't they do it on June 6th
or March 7th ?
You can have a new years whenever you want, you could start tomorrow,
New Years is just society pushing you to have a new start,
I'd rather have a new start when I'm ready- and maybe on the first I won't be ready,
so I won't make empty promises to myself- if I don't need a new start- a new year.
Make resolutions when you're up for it- that way you follow through.
I'm sorry if this has been the most all across the board entry, but that's how my thoughts seem to unravel these days.
Enjoy the holidays,
spend time with those that matter,
and if the holiday happens to be spent with crazy family members
and is all disfunctional
and stresses you out
just do me one favor,
take it all in
and remember...
"WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER"
For seventeen years, I have felt loved, and have been surrounded by those that love me. Right now- at this point in my life- love is not such an ever present thing- it's not lurking right around the corner, it currently lies in a land far far away. I am loved, I know this- that is not the issue. It is just not having that love constantly around you that causes loneliness to come knocking on your door, and sometimes when loneliness knocks, you unfortunately answer.
But it's okay, because sometimes loneliness can be quite a positive thing, which I've recently learned since being here. Sometimes it causes you to sit back and revaluate things, gain knew perspectives, decide what truly is important as well as who and what matters to you.
my heart, I also believe, is sick. sick. and hurting, bitter, resentful, distanced, guarded, neutral. Never before in my life has the phrase "out of sight out of mind" rang so true, never have I felt like a victim of that short string of words,that is, until now.
"How are you?" or "How's Life?" are things I haven't heard from anyone in a very very long time.
out of sight, out of mind.
It simply causes a melancholy feeling, an unexplainable ache.
People have dismissed my existence because I am across an ocean.
I guess I underestimated the power of the Atlantic.
And things on this side of the Atlantic as far as Americans go- are pulling on my heart strings as well.
Words can be quite powerful, this I'm sure you know, and I am a frequent participater of placing words down on paper, of formulating strings of words, that in turn form sentences, that make up this piece of me I've created.
Since words are something I enjoy so much- I think that may possibly be why I take them very personally.
I was recently informed that the mass majority of the other exchange students do not like me at all and have said things to the effect of "She is a typical American Girl and should not be here."
They also created a club of which I am the only member, as the person they would push in front of a moving bus.
Now that sounds like a really mature thing to say, I know.
And I'm at an age where statements like that should be able to be brushed off easily- but really is there an age for that? Do things like that ever stop getting to you?
I am trying to let it not bother me. trying would be the operative word. Because as much as I would like to sit here and say that those words arn't getting to me at all- I would be lying to myself.
I shouldn't be here?
those are some rather strong words- quite possibly one of the most offensive things that could have been said.
I realize people arn't always going to like you, it's just how life works- but having the mass majority of a group of 24 dislike you, when they are the only other people here going through what you are you just feel sort of hurt.
All I did was be myself,
and apparently myself was something most of them don't care for.
But I'm still confused as to why I am letting this get to me so much, because the truth is I don't really enjoy spending time with most of them anyway. The exchange student get togethers are all about who wants who, and who is going to "hook up" with who, as well as getting drunk.
First of all, if I was going to "hook up" with anyone while here, it would not be anyone from the North American continent, it would be a Czech- I am in Czech, Americans are waiting back at home.
And getting drunk I would prefer to do with Czechs as well, because drinking with Czechs is quite different than drinking with Americans.
So I don't really mesh with them either- but I don't sit around claiming that they don't belong here, that they shouldn't be here.
These are the times when I am so very aware of my age, when I feel like seventeen is compatable with age five and I'm running home to tell mom, " She said we wern't best friends anymore!"
I just feel with my new found self suffienct life style- I should be able to rise above words- let them go, but then again I'm only human.
Now on a happier note
my czech friends are truly making my experience here amazing
their care and concern
the way they enjoy my company and I enjoy theirs
the way we tease and laugh and joke together
I've only known them about three months,
and yet I feel like I've known them for so much longer
I am invested- and sometimes when I think of what they've given me
I get teary eyed
because I realize that just as I came and jumped in
I will have to eventually leave and jump out
but I mostly don't think about that
I just sit back and enjoy the time,
cherish the memories,
because things come and go in life
and you can't enjoy them if all you do is sit and worry about when they're going to go.
Oh and it always catches me off guard when things come about in times when they are most needed. I was browsing through my saved documents today, opening one’s with random titles, seeing what was there to be found. And I came across something that I think I needed to read, something that caused the step in my bounce to be just a bit lighter.
What I found was a piece of writing I’d written after being out one night with a couple of friends back home. At three a.m. we had loaded Grant’s guitar into the trunk of his car and he, Allie, and I- headed to a spot along the river, and he played and sang, and it was just one of those nights that stick with you. But as what generally occurs I had gone and forgotten about that night- about my thoughts and feelings that night, until I read my account of the evening, which I’d written to remind myself of the time when days, months, and years had passed and that night had been long forgotten. And so here it was today reminding me-
And I just thought I’d share it with you- perhaps there is something for others to gain from it as well...
March 24, 2007
"Tonight was simply one of those nights that don't happen on purpose, one of those nights where you follow where you are lead, one of those nights that will stick with a girl when she is off in the middle of the Czech Republic all by herself, without these friends, without the familiar surroundings. With all those things gone, she will still have that memory, I will still have that to hold onto, if nothing else. I don't even know where to start. Should I begin with the water? The calm and copacetic water, that had initially been dead and still when we arrived, and as the songs played, the melody and harmony filling the air, with nothing to catch the sound, the water picked up, the ripples across it became more frequent, the movement more aggressive as though our presence made an impact on how the water went about its business. I sat there, the strumming of the guitar vibrating in my eardrums, as Grant's voice broke through, and just watched, took it all in. At one point is was as though there was no music, I was so drawn in by the constant flow of ripples that moved back and forth... back and forth..., they sucked me in, grabbed and held my attention, placed me in some sort of trance. And then there was the bridge. The same bridge I have seen and gone over dozens and dozens of times, but for once, I actually saw it, the detail, what it truly is. I counted...one...two...three....and finally a total of six arches that I could see from where I sat. Occasionally, there would be fragments of time in which no cars would cross, and it seemed as though everything had stopped, except the three of us, as though through some unexplainable reason, the music created life, was the force that kept bringing the cars over the bridge, a welcoming, that those cars had no idea they were receiving. The log in which we sat, I suppose was just a log, it could have been any log, but tonight it was our log. It had the perfect little wedge in which I swung one of my legs over, and although I was not always conscious of it, my feet never stopped moving, perhaps because the music was calling to them, because to be still would be an insult to music itself. These nights, these times, are what I need to keep me going next year, points in which forgetting the surrounding takes away from the meaning and significance that it holds. If I can't remember what my room looks like, where exactly my bed is positioned, it will be okay, as long as I can hold this night within my head, as long as out of all the pictures that don't last, that these one's do."
I don't know, it just reminded me of where I was at mentally in March, where I am now, and just the shifts and changes that have occured since then. A lot has happened in life since March- and it all has been good stuff, even now looking back the hard things have toughened me up, I gained something from them, so I can't really complain.
Which in turn reminded me of how at this time of year it is common for people to send out Christmas cards with letters included telling all about how the past year has been for them- although what it truly is, is a masked and sugar coated version of what their year was like- they arn't real. Sure you can have really good years- but life is anything but flawless, there are always going to be bumps in the road, obstacles- but never before have I read about those in anyones Christmas letters.
So I am going to recap my year- honestly- because everyone knows life is all over the place.
This past year has consisted of heart break, realizing what is important, rebuilding relationships, and learning a lot of lessons.
My heart was invested in a person more than it ever has been, only to be mangaled and handed back to me- but I would do it all over again, because despite the fact that at the time it wasn't fun going through it- I came out realizing a lot about who I could choose to become, and who I want to be. I had settled for treatment I was unworthy of, that anyone would have been unworthy of. But I learned.
My mom and I started the year off more distanced than we had ever been, and I started the year with the attitude that, that wasn't going to change. I put up a wall and had convinced myself that there was no getting in. Fortunately, a lot of pivotal moments occured in our relationship, and my wall came down- THANK GOD. And right before I left we were closer than I think we have ever been. My mom is one amazing lady, and everytime I talk about her here, people go, " Wow your mom sounds amazing." and I just smile that crooked smile of mine that she loves so much, and say, "Yeah, she is."
I left my whole world behind- and took on the endevour of building a new one.
I learned the meaning of self sufficient
I learned that sometimes you've only got yourself to lean on
I finally understood what people meant when they talked about loneliness
and learned that I'm capable of confrontation although it makes me what to curl up in a ball and just roll away
I got the most painful ulcer on my leg- and it was nasty, so nasty
I decided that I want children, when before that was not even an option, they were out of the question.
I learned that changing your mind about things is perfectly alright, and that sometimes life isn't going to end up how you've planned- things change- you change.
It is okay to have no idea what you are doing...there can't always be a plan.
This past year, the whole year- consisted of a lot of learning. I learned tough lessons, I shed a lot of tears, had more than enough laughs, never enough sleep, bad fights, late nights, and lots of coffee and tea.
It wasn't flawless, in fact it was flawfull ( no that is not a word, but I'm using it anyway)but hey, that's life.
New Years is coming,
naturally after Christmas as it does every year-
and don't get me wrong it's a fun holiday
but I don't quite like it's meaning, what it stands for
generally if people are going to make new starts
they do so starting January 1st,
but why can't they do it on June 6th
or March 7th ?
You can have a new years whenever you want, you could start tomorrow,
New Years is just society pushing you to have a new start,
I'd rather have a new start when I'm ready- and maybe on the first I won't be ready,
so I won't make empty promises to myself- if I don't need a new start- a new year.
Make resolutions when you're up for it- that way you follow through.
I'm sorry if this has been the most all across the board entry, but that's how my thoughts seem to unravel these days.
Enjoy the holidays,
spend time with those that matter,
and if the holiday happens to be spent with crazy family members
and is all disfunctional
and stresses you out
just do me one favor,
take it all in
and remember...
"WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER"
Sunday, November 25, 2007
The Lack of Thanksgiving in the life of an ALL AMERICAN GIRL
Well before we get to Thanksgiving Thursday- let's touch on Monday, shall we?
I pierced my tongue Monday,
I really cannot believe that I was actually able to go through with it, especially since I watched my friend go first.
Don't worry I captured the event on video- although due to my rule about not showing pictures of myself while I'm here it will be awhile until it is available for your viewing pleasure.
Now...Thanksgiving. Well, it didn't feel like Thanksgiving at all- yet throughout the day I couldn't help but thinking of all I had in my life to be thankful for, and although I didn't have a traditional Thanksgiving- I managed to have a really good evening. I went to my first Czech play with all of my friends, and well the story of the show was rather self explanatory so it didn't matter that I was unable to understand the mass majority of the show- I was in the company of people I am thankful to have in my life- laughing and enjoying life. Afterwards we went to a pub and just sat around visiting. So there was no turkey, no mashed potatoes, no five cup salad or pumpkin pie- but it was Thanksgiving, and I was thankful and exactly where I was supposed to be.
And then came Friday night.
So Friday night I was supposed to meet Julie( the Canadian exchange student) in the square, but my bus had been late so I was running a few minutes late and I get a call from her. And she was slightly freaking out on the phone although I didn't know why and so I tell her that I'm on my way, that I'll hurry. When I get off my bus I half sprint/run/jog from the bus stop to the square- because Julie isn't one to freak out so I figured something must be wrong.
I get there and she is all shooken up- she had been waiting for me in the square when this man about mid fourty's approaches her and starts speaking in czech, and THANK GOD she can understand some czech and didn't just smile and nod, because the man asks her if she wants to have sex- and she tells him no, and then he asks her to go to get a bite to eat with him or to go get something to drink and she says no and she goes to walk away and he grabs her arm- and then tries to kiss her- at which point she like yanks herself away- but he manages to grab her hand and kiss it- then she ran away and called me.
So Julie was hungry so we went and got her something to eat and then went back to the square- AND CREEPY McCreepster was still there, but away from us- and there were people all around- and so we sat ourselves on a bench, and really I just wanted to go up to that man and deck him- but I didn't. But, just wait. I think what i did was better.
So we are sitting there and Mr. Creep approaches another girl and starts talking to her and I was like UMMMM I DONT THINK SO....not again. So Julie and I realize that we have the power to save her. So we walk up to the man and girl and I say to the girl Prosim (excuse me) but then I started speaking in English- because the man didnt speak english so I figured it would probably be best if he couldn't understand what I was saying. So I ask the girl to come with me- and she looks confused- but I think that was because her english was very poor- but she says okay and we walk away from creepy. So Julie and I try to explain to the girl about the man- but her english was bad, but at the end I think she understood that he was bad and that we had helped her- so she thanked us and then we left- because we figured CREEPY probably wasn't very happy with us.
But I was just glad we had saved the girl from that man. It was sort of strange because approaching him with that girl I wasn't afraid- If anything I was just sickened at what he was doing- and there were people all around so I knew that if he tried anything funny all I had to do was scream and everyone would turn and look.
And it was this situation that reaffirmed the fact that my mom knows how to raise children, as I'm not the type to sit back and let things happen when I'm perfectly capable of stopping them. In going and stopping him from preying upon that girl I wasn't gaining anything- I wasn't doing it for me. I could have stayed on that bench. But something in me- made me get up off that bench, march across that square- and remove the girl from the unpleasant situation- and I believe that "something" was instilled in me by my mom.
So I'm awfully thankful for that mom of mine, and I'm sure the girl would be thankful too- because it was through my mom instilling things in me- that I was able to act in that situation- to help her, so indirectly my mom helped her too. And you see this is how it all goes back to "We're All In This Together"
because even though my mom wasn't there- and she didn't stop the situation- it is because things I've learned from her that I was able to do so, Don't you see? we really are "All In This Together"
switching gears...I feel like an orphan. I'm living in a foreign country at seventeen without parents. I'm sure that sounds great, huh?
I miss someone asking where I've been and who I've been with- what I've been doing.
I miss someone asking about my day and what it consisted of- I miss advice, lectures, and being told that I've royally screwed up, that I'm in the wrong.
I ask for nothing. I'm given a shower, a bed, and food- beyond that I'm really on my own.
And when I ask for the smallest of favors it apparently is too much to ask. My mom sent me a package and it is supposed to arrive any day now, but when it arrives I have to pay custom fees on it. So I informed host mom about this and told her that I'd leave money on the counter the next morning before I went to school in case it showed up when I was at school.
I assumed this would be no problem- host mom doesn't work- she is home everyday, it wouldn't be a big deal for her to pay for my package right?
Wrong.
She came back with " I think it would be better if you go and pick it up at the post, when the post women comes I will just not take the package and so she will give me a slip and you can go and pick it up at the post."
she added that she doesn't like dealing with other people's money.
So because host mom is "uncomfortable" dealing with my money I will have to probably end up going to a post office- and as far as its location I have absolutely no idea- to ask for my package in a language that I don't speak...
simply because she can't pay for my package when it's delivered at the door.
Now don't worry being the optimist that I am, I've taken to looking at this as yet another learning experience- taking on foreign post,
but that doesn't mean that I'm not still annoyed- that the one small favor I ask, is just too much. I simply don't understand. Oh, well. Czech Post Office...HERE I COME.
The whole growing up process has been pushed forward it seems, and is being carried out at an abnormally rapid speed...strange how circumstance can do that.
circumstance it seems changes a lot of things.
alright off to go Czech homework that I've been putting off
as well as to put together a presentation about the political system in the U.S.- haha good thing I took AP U.S. History last year.
Hope that Thanksgiving was good for those of you celebrating back in America,
Christmas is coming and rather soon...brace yourself.
Mit Dobry Den
Cau
I pierced my tongue Monday,
I really cannot believe that I was actually able to go through with it, especially since I watched my friend go first.
Don't worry I captured the event on video- although due to my rule about not showing pictures of myself while I'm here it will be awhile until it is available for your viewing pleasure.
Now...Thanksgiving. Well, it didn't feel like Thanksgiving at all- yet throughout the day I couldn't help but thinking of all I had in my life to be thankful for, and although I didn't have a traditional Thanksgiving- I managed to have a really good evening. I went to my first Czech play with all of my friends, and well the story of the show was rather self explanatory so it didn't matter that I was unable to understand the mass majority of the show- I was in the company of people I am thankful to have in my life- laughing and enjoying life. Afterwards we went to a pub and just sat around visiting. So there was no turkey, no mashed potatoes, no five cup salad or pumpkin pie- but it was Thanksgiving, and I was thankful and exactly where I was supposed to be.
And then came Friday night.
So Friday night I was supposed to meet Julie( the Canadian exchange student) in the square, but my bus had been late so I was running a few minutes late and I get a call from her. And she was slightly freaking out on the phone although I didn't know why and so I tell her that I'm on my way, that I'll hurry. When I get off my bus I half sprint/run/jog from the bus stop to the square- because Julie isn't one to freak out so I figured something must be wrong.
I get there and she is all shooken up- she had been waiting for me in the square when this man about mid fourty's approaches her and starts speaking in czech, and THANK GOD she can understand some czech and didn't just smile and nod, because the man asks her if she wants to have sex- and she tells him no, and then he asks her to go to get a bite to eat with him or to go get something to drink and she says no and she goes to walk away and he grabs her arm- and then tries to kiss her- at which point she like yanks herself away- but he manages to grab her hand and kiss it- then she ran away and called me.
So Julie was hungry so we went and got her something to eat and then went back to the square- AND CREEPY McCreepster was still there, but away from us- and there were people all around- and so we sat ourselves on a bench, and really I just wanted to go up to that man and deck him- but I didn't. But, just wait. I think what i did was better.
So we are sitting there and Mr. Creep approaches another girl and starts talking to her and I was like UMMMM I DONT THINK SO....not again. So Julie and I realize that we have the power to save her. So we walk up to the man and girl and I say to the girl Prosim (excuse me) but then I started speaking in English- because the man didnt speak english so I figured it would probably be best if he couldn't understand what I was saying. So I ask the girl to come with me- and she looks confused- but I think that was because her english was very poor- but she says okay and we walk away from creepy. So Julie and I try to explain to the girl about the man- but her english was bad, but at the end I think she understood that he was bad and that we had helped her- so she thanked us and then we left- because we figured CREEPY probably wasn't very happy with us.
But I was just glad we had saved the girl from that man. It was sort of strange because approaching him with that girl I wasn't afraid- If anything I was just sickened at what he was doing- and there were people all around so I knew that if he tried anything funny all I had to do was scream and everyone would turn and look.
And it was this situation that reaffirmed the fact that my mom knows how to raise children, as I'm not the type to sit back and let things happen when I'm perfectly capable of stopping them. In going and stopping him from preying upon that girl I wasn't gaining anything- I wasn't doing it for me. I could have stayed on that bench. But something in me- made me get up off that bench, march across that square- and remove the girl from the unpleasant situation- and I believe that "something" was instilled in me by my mom.
So I'm awfully thankful for that mom of mine, and I'm sure the girl would be thankful too- because it was through my mom instilling things in me- that I was able to act in that situation- to help her, so indirectly my mom helped her too. And you see this is how it all goes back to "We're All In This Together"
because even though my mom wasn't there- and she didn't stop the situation- it is because things I've learned from her that I was able to do so, Don't you see? we really are "All In This Together"
switching gears...I feel like an orphan. I'm living in a foreign country at seventeen without parents. I'm sure that sounds great, huh?
I miss someone asking where I've been and who I've been with- what I've been doing.
I miss someone asking about my day and what it consisted of- I miss advice, lectures, and being told that I've royally screwed up, that I'm in the wrong.
I ask for nothing. I'm given a shower, a bed, and food- beyond that I'm really on my own.
And when I ask for the smallest of favors it apparently is too much to ask. My mom sent me a package and it is supposed to arrive any day now, but when it arrives I have to pay custom fees on it. So I informed host mom about this and told her that I'd leave money on the counter the next morning before I went to school in case it showed up when I was at school.
I assumed this would be no problem- host mom doesn't work- she is home everyday, it wouldn't be a big deal for her to pay for my package right?
Wrong.
She came back with " I think it would be better if you go and pick it up at the post, when the post women comes I will just not take the package and so she will give me a slip and you can go and pick it up at the post."
she added that she doesn't like dealing with other people's money.
So because host mom is "uncomfortable" dealing with my money I will have to probably end up going to a post office- and as far as its location I have absolutely no idea- to ask for my package in a language that I don't speak...
simply because she can't pay for my package when it's delivered at the door.
Now don't worry being the optimist that I am, I've taken to looking at this as yet another learning experience- taking on foreign post,
but that doesn't mean that I'm not still annoyed- that the one small favor I ask, is just too much. I simply don't understand. Oh, well. Czech Post Office...HERE I COME.
The whole growing up process has been pushed forward it seems, and is being carried out at an abnormally rapid speed...strange how circumstance can do that.
circumstance it seems changes a lot of things.
alright off to go Czech homework that I've been putting off
as well as to put together a presentation about the political system in the U.S.- haha good thing I took AP U.S. History last year.
Hope that Thanksgiving was good for those of you celebrating back in America,
Christmas is coming and rather soon...brace yourself.
Mit Dobry Den
Cau
Saturday, November 17, 2007
My busy week, tea houses- czech boys- and the fate of tongues...particularly mine
A long but overdue update. My week was so busy, that at the end of everyday all I wanted to do was hop into bed and allow sleep to wash over me. I could have written, but it would have been short, boring, and I would have been unsatisfied, so sorry, but you just had to wait. We will just go through the week, and I'll do it recap style...so here I go...
Monday- I go to try out french lessons, you know, try and keep up my french while I'm here. haha, right. So I go and the class is taught in czech, and we all know how great my czech is....and I can understand the french, and read it, but whenever I went to speak in french, all that came out was czech. I sat there searching for the words I wanted to say, but I could only think of them in czech...it was very problematic. However, at one point we listened to a french song and had to fill in the missing words, and then they translated it into czech- and I sat back and it was very interesting because there were points where I understood what was being said in czech and in french. Or there would be times where I knew what it was in french but not in czech, and times when I knew the meaning in czech and not french. So overall the class was a bust, because there is no way I can take it and learn- but I'm glad I tried it, it was a good experience.
Tuesday- I went to the gym with my friend which was good, I'd really missed working out. Although it was strange to me because all the machines and such are in english. The treadmill for example, all of the buttons and such are in english, so for the most part no one knows what they say- when I asked my friend how she knows what to do, she said she just hits buttons until it starts working- this I found very funny.
Wednesday- I went to these art classes with my friends, which were held in this really neat old and rustic building- and I'm not much the artistic type- I'm artistic through writing. But there is some sort of peace that comes about from sketching, you just put all your focus towards that and relax. So it doesn't matter that my drawings arn't anything especial, I like the feeling that comes from creating them, for me that is enough. So from now on I'll go weekly to Art Class.
I also signed up for ballroom dancing classes...class starts December 4th at 7 p.m.
Thursday- Okay so I had this thing on my leg and initially I thought it was a bug bite, but then Thursday it started really hurting, like even walking was painful. So my intention was to get home and tell my host parents, yet I get home only to find a note from them telling me they'd gone off to Hungary and wouldn't be back until Saturday afternoon. Ummm WHAT??? I was in pain...I couldn't wait until Saturday. So I showed my host sister and she said she would take me the next day to have it checked out.
Thursday night I went to a concert with my friends, which was a lot of fun, and my leg was killing me, but it didn't matter, I still managed to have fun. My friends however were really concerned about my leg and my one friend told me, " If Martina doesn't take you to the doctor tomorrow, you need to tell us and we will take you."
I was entirely thrown by that statement... and the fact that they had that much care and concern for me.
Friday- morning comes and my host sister tells me she thinks we will just wait until her parents get home( I think she just had plans and didn't want to cancel them....so to to hell with my leg) so I was like fine, whatever.
So I go to school, and my friends are really worried about my leg, and I had a skirt on, because by this point I could no longer wear pants as they rubbed up against it and caused me more pain.
So i go to the bathroom and Lucy follows and asks if she can see my leg, so I show her and she is like wait here a minute, so I wait. And not but a few moments later all of my friends are circled around me in the bathroom inspecting my leg. They came to the conclusion that I couldn't wait until Saturday, that I needed to go to the hospital NOW.
So we go to the head lady, and they tell her my issue, we show her my leg, and she agrees I need to go to the doctor. So my friends go back to class, gather their things, and he head to the doctors.
We get to the doctors and my friends explain what the issue is, and I show the doctor. and he tells me to "show off my boots"( which meant to take them off) and also to take off my roc( to take of my skirt- in german) and I laid on my stomach on the hospital bed so he could have access to my leg. And from my left eye I can see the nurse preparing a shot of something, and I was like okay whatever, if it will stop the pain. But I didn't get just one shot, Oh NO, I was poked about seven times and it was very painful...poked and prodded and cut at...and I didn't know what he was doing or why he was doing it, I just hoped he knew what he was doing.
Anyways it turns out that I had an ULCER on my leg. WHAT THE HECK?? How ever do you get an ulcer? Anyways apparently the doctor knew what he was doing because it feels a lot better, but I have to go back Monday to have it checked on.
Then I go back to school, and Lucy tells me that if I need looking after I can stay at her house, that she already checked with her mom and that it was perfectly alright. I didn't take her up on her offer, she had already done enough- and I'm getting rather good at looking after myself, so I was alright. But the fact that she offered- that she was concerned; it meant a lot. I can already tell these friends are going to be really hard to leave- but we won't worry about that now.
So Friday night I could have gone out and done something, but I was really tired, I'd had a busy week, and I figured my leg could use some resting- so I just hung out at home. It was really really nice actually, some much needed r&r.
Saturday- I wake up and clean my room as the host parents had been gone so my room had become messy for the first time.
I then went to meet Julie and another exchange student that lives in another part of the Czech, but was here and is also from Washington and we went to lunch.
And then after she left Julie and I met up with Eleanor and went to a Cajovna( tea house) and then a little while late in walks my friend Hanka with two friends in tow, so they come over and join us and we all visit. And then after awhile Julie has to leave, and then Eleanor, and I stay. One of her friends, Honza (John) was very nice and we sat and visited and then we had to leave. Honza and I exchanged numbers and he asked me what I was doing next weekend...so we'll see. And then Hanka and her friends bus came before mine, and Honza needed to go to another bus stop to catch his bus- but he waited with me. And after awhile my bus was taking forever to come I told him he didn't need to wait, that it was okay. But he insisted that it was fine. Ha. In America the boy would have been like "Okay Bye!" and would have gone off to catch his bus. So....we'll see.
And then I'd decided that if I was really going to get my tongue pierced that I should probably ask my host parents incase they have a problem with it. So I got home went upstairs and figured out how to ask in czech, but I'd still used wrong words so I'd had to explain myself in english. To my surprise they were fine with it.
Which means that tomorrow, Monday, November 19, 2007 I'm supposed to have my tongue pierced. This thought is both very exciting and entirely unsettling...so we'll see if I'll actually go through with it...I'll let you know tomorrow.
So life is good even with my ulcer and all
perhaps I got the ulcer to show me what good of friends I have found here
who knows.
my only complaint is that time is flying- and I wish it would just slow down a bit.
But that's out of my control- so all I can do is enjoy the time and let it pass.
It's simply how this crazy thing we call life works.
So make something of your time- of your day- of your life
there's no getting it back.
This is it.
Monday- I go to try out french lessons, you know, try and keep up my french while I'm here. haha, right. So I go and the class is taught in czech, and we all know how great my czech is....and I can understand the french, and read it, but whenever I went to speak in french, all that came out was czech. I sat there searching for the words I wanted to say, but I could only think of them in czech...it was very problematic. However, at one point we listened to a french song and had to fill in the missing words, and then they translated it into czech- and I sat back and it was very interesting because there were points where I understood what was being said in czech and in french. Or there would be times where I knew what it was in french but not in czech, and times when I knew the meaning in czech and not french. So overall the class was a bust, because there is no way I can take it and learn- but I'm glad I tried it, it was a good experience.
Tuesday- I went to the gym with my friend which was good, I'd really missed working out. Although it was strange to me because all the machines and such are in english. The treadmill for example, all of the buttons and such are in english, so for the most part no one knows what they say- when I asked my friend how she knows what to do, she said she just hits buttons until it starts working- this I found very funny.
Wednesday- I went to these art classes with my friends, which were held in this really neat old and rustic building- and I'm not much the artistic type- I'm artistic through writing. But there is some sort of peace that comes about from sketching, you just put all your focus towards that and relax. So it doesn't matter that my drawings arn't anything especial, I like the feeling that comes from creating them, for me that is enough. So from now on I'll go weekly to Art Class.
I also signed up for ballroom dancing classes...class starts December 4th at 7 p.m.
Thursday- Okay so I had this thing on my leg and initially I thought it was a bug bite, but then Thursday it started really hurting, like even walking was painful. So my intention was to get home and tell my host parents, yet I get home only to find a note from them telling me they'd gone off to Hungary and wouldn't be back until Saturday afternoon. Ummm WHAT??? I was in pain...I couldn't wait until Saturday. So I showed my host sister and she said she would take me the next day to have it checked out.
Thursday night I went to a concert with my friends, which was a lot of fun, and my leg was killing me, but it didn't matter, I still managed to have fun. My friends however were really concerned about my leg and my one friend told me, " If Martina doesn't take you to the doctor tomorrow, you need to tell us and we will take you."
I was entirely thrown by that statement... and the fact that they had that much care and concern for me.
Friday- morning comes and my host sister tells me she thinks we will just wait until her parents get home( I think she just had plans and didn't want to cancel them....so to to hell with my leg) so I was like fine, whatever.
So I go to school, and my friends are really worried about my leg, and I had a skirt on, because by this point I could no longer wear pants as they rubbed up against it and caused me more pain.
So i go to the bathroom and Lucy follows and asks if she can see my leg, so I show her and she is like wait here a minute, so I wait. And not but a few moments later all of my friends are circled around me in the bathroom inspecting my leg. They came to the conclusion that I couldn't wait until Saturday, that I needed to go to the hospital NOW.
So we go to the head lady, and they tell her my issue, we show her my leg, and she agrees I need to go to the doctor. So my friends go back to class, gather their things, and he head to the doctors.
We get to the doctors and my friends explain what the issue is, and I show the doctor. and he tells me to "show off my boots"( which meant to take them off) and also to take off my roc( to take of my skirt- in german) and I laid on my stomach on the hospital bed so he could have access to my leg. And from my left eye I can see the nurse preparing a shot of something, and I was like okay whatever, if it will stop the pain. But I didn't get just one shot, Oh NO, I was poked about seven times and it was very painful...poked and prodded and cut at...and I didn't know what he was doing or why he was doing it, I just hoped he knew what he was doing.
Anyways it turns out that I had an ULCER on my leg. WHAT THE HECK?? How ever do you get an ulcer? Anyways apparently the doctor knew what he was doing because it feels a lot better, but I have to go back Monday to have it checked on.
Then I go back to school, and Lucy tells me that if I need looking after I can stay at her house, that she already checked with her mom and that it was perfectly alright. I didn't take her up on her offer, she had already done enough- and I'm getting rather good at looking after myself, so I was alright. But the fact that she offered- that she was concerned; it meant a lot. I can already tell these friends are going to be really hard to leave- but we won't worry about that now.
So Friday night I could have gone out and done something, but I was really tired, I'd had a busy week, and I figured my leg could use some resting- so I just hung out at home. It was really really nice actually, some much needed r&r.
Saturday- I wake up and clean my room as the host parents had been gone so my room had become messy for the first time.
I then went to meet Julie and another exchange student that lives in another part of the Czech, but was here and is also from Washington and we went to lunch.
And then after she left Julie and I met up with Eleanor and went to a Cajovna( tea house) and then a little while late in walks my friend Hanka with two friends in tow, so they come over and join us and we all visit. And then after awhile Julie has to leave, and then Eleanor, and I stay. One of her friends, Honza (John) was very nice and we sat and visited and then we had to leave. Honza and I exchanged numbers and he asked me what I was doing next weekend...so we'll see. And then Hanka and her friends bus came before mine, and Honza needed to go to another bus stop to catch his bus- but he waited with me. And after awhile my bus was taking forever to come I told him he didn't need to wait, that it was okay. But he insisted that it was fine. Ha. In America the boy would have been like "Okay Bye!" and would have gone off to catch his bus. So....we'll see.
And then I'd decided that if I was really going to get my tongue pierced that I should probably ask my host parents incase they have a problem with it. So I got home went upstairs and figured out how to ask in czech, but I'd still used wrong words so I'd had to explain myself in english. To my surprise they were fine with it.
Which means that tomorrow, Monday, November 19, 2007 I'm supposed to have my tongue pierced. This thought is both very exciting and entirely unsettling...so we'll see if I'll actually go through with it...I'll let you know tomorrow.
So life is good even with my ulcer and all
perhaps I got the ulcer to show me what good of friends I have found here
who knows.
my only complaint is that time is flying- and I wish it would just slow down a bit.
But that's out of my control- so all I can do is enjoy the time and let it pass.
It's simply how this crazy thing we call life works.
So make something of your time- of your day- of your life
there's no getting it back.
This is it.
Friday, November 9, 2007
.On being ignored and facing your fears.
It has been a long week
and I have been tested in ways I never have before, pushed myself to take the plunge and do things that I'm afraid of- and as I write to you I'm on the other side of that plunge, dealing with what it revealed.
I'll start from the top.
Wednesday morning I woke up feeling really nauseous.Wednesday morning is two hours of P.E.- so I figured it would be a better idea if I got extra sleep and didn't go run around for two hours. So that's what I did. So I got up later, got up, got ready and went downstairs. And my host mom asks, "What about school?" and I explained how I didn't feel well, and was going to school, but that I'd thought it would be best if I didn't go to school for P.E. At which point she responds " You have to go to school" and I said that I knew- restated my reasoning once again. And then she claims, "I don't understand my daughter gets up early in the morning and goes to school, and doesn't come until late afternoon, and you, you barely go to school."
At which point I explained that I was taking as many classes as the lady in charge told me I needed to.
And it was the way she said all of this, and the way she looked at me- as though I wasn't telling the truth, as though the looks she was giving me was going to cause me to break down and confess, " You know what you're right, I skip my classes- most of them, and that's why it seems like I'm not at school much."
And so I didn't feel well, and I was being questioned about the most absurd thing- and I felt very uncomfortable, and so although I didn't need to leave the house for another twenty minutes- I got up- put my shoes on- said goodbye- and was on my way.
I spent the twenty minutes instead, at the bus stop- fighting back tears.
I didn't feel well, and I simply didn't understand. WHAT DOES THE LADY EXPECT FROM ME? to go sit in a full schedule of classes in which I understand nothing?
I could understand her confusion if I understood the language- but considering the circumstances, I could not manage to comprehend where her confusion came from.
It was very strange because all of a sudden my host mom stopped really talking to me. She would say "Ahoj Tahani" and that was about it. I was feeling very awkward, uncomfortable, and out of place. I kept running through past events and days in my head- trying to figure out where I did something wrong, something to upset her.
That was Wednesday. I thought maybe it was just an off day- Thursday would be different. But I get home Thursday, and once again- it's as if I had somehow been draped under a cloud of invisibility. Friendliness had been thrown out the window.
Confrontation was clearly the answer.
Confrontation- even just the word draws up a pit in my stomach. Confrontation is one of my down falls, I'm horrible at it. But I couldn't take not knowing what was going on. And so I asked her if we could talk for a minute- and then asked her, " Have I done something wrong, something to upset or bother you?"
and she responds, "No I'm not upset"
and then there is a "but....."
and she starts in,
"I don't understand why you come home from school and are just here in the afternoons. You chose to come here to live the Czech life, but you're not. You just come home from school and are here with me and Eva. You are seventeen, this is not normal. My daughters are always busy after school, always gone, I'm happy if I see them one hour in the evenings. It makes me nervous you being here- and gives me a headache as I can't figure out why you don't go do things. My Bara she is in Portland right now and she is very busy, and she is busy when she is here too- she is a very independant girl (insinuating that I'm not). You need to be doing things, my job is to wash your clothes, and feed you, and give you a nice room....."
and at some point I made mention that the other exchange students go home after school too....
at which point she chimmed in with "Well Martina(my host sister) says that Eleanor (another American student)goes with Czech friends after school. So my host mom had been asking my host sister about the other students....
Eleanor herself claimed she goes home most days, you see the key difference is that I'm the only one who has a host mom that doesn't work.
You see this problem she was having with me coming home. It was a problem for me too- but that is what all my friends do here- they go to school and go home and study.
Initially I was relieved that was her only problem, because it is entirely fixable.
But then yesterday when I was done with running errands and felt like I couldn't go home, it was a strange feeling that resonated through me, one I'm not at all familiar with. I suppose it will just take some getting used to.
So I've jam packed my schedule as follows:
Monday- Czech lessons
then I'm trying out french lessons to keep up my french 5:30-7
and when I went to the school they asked me if maybe I'd like to teach an English class- so we're discussing that- the extra money would be nice.
Tuesday- School
then I'm going to the gym with my friend
Wednesday- going to dance school to sign up for ballroom dancing classes
going to an Art Class with my friend
Thursday- Concert with friends
Friday- tongue piercing ( if I can go through with it- I don't know if I'll be able to AHHHHH)
Saturday- disco in a neighboring village
then the next week
Thursday I'm going to a Czech play
then that weekend hopping the bus and going to visit other exchange students near the Polish border- and may possibly go to Auschwitz.
The weekend after that is Prague weekend.
and dancing lessons start that week
and there is also a concert I'm going to.
Keeping busy is the plan.
It was funny because it was in all this happening that I noticed the slight change in myself.
Two months ago- all my host mom had said would have gotten to me, I would have taken it to heart.
Her statements about my behavior being abnormal, her insinuations that I'm not independant, being compared to the other students- it all would have made me upset.
But I've come to the point where those things only make me laugh.
I'm not normal, that would be boring but I wouldn't say I'm abnormal.
At age 16 I went all over New York City alone- that sounds like a pretty dependant person to me...
and being compared to other students- well, I'm not other people, just me.
And I've only been here two months- it is impossible to figure out the entire lifestyle of a new place in two months, it takes time to adapt, and I am. But at my own pace- and that is perfectly fine.
I'm glad I've undergone this slight yet massive shift in thougt, because two months ago her statements would have made me entirely rethink who I am.
Yet instead they simply reaffirmed the person that I am.
Those are her perceptions of me, but they're not the one's I hold of myself- I've known myself for 17 years, watched myself change throughout the years- seen my self start to form into the person that I am as I write this. She's known me two months and 6 days; and knows only bits and pieces of my story.
Her words can't be taken to heart- she simply doesn't have enough information.
It's like I'm a puzzle- but she only has a few pieces of it- so you can't blame her when she isn't able to put it together properly. I don't blame her.
So this all began Wednesday. And her I sit Saturday morning.
And the plan from here on out is just to keep busy- and steer clear of home as to not make my host mom "nervous"
It's okay, it will just take some getting used to, something I'm not used to, something to add to my list of things to adapt to.
And in the end I know I'll make it through
because after all
"We're All In This Together"
if only Ben Lee knew the ways in which he's changed my life, I plan on telling him one day...personally.
So take time to appreciate those in your life
that appreciate you- who make you feel wanted
because it's not until you feel slightly unwanted
that you realize how much those people truly care- those people that appreciate you.
I appreciate you.
if you have cared, if you care, if you will one day care.
I appreciate you.
And I say this with as much force backing those words as I can muster, those words are coming from the depths of my heart- those words are my truth.
I appreciate you.
and I have been tested in ways I never have before, pushed myself to take the plunge and do things that I'm afraid of- and as I write to you I'm on the other side of that plunge, dealing with what it revealed.
I'll start from the top.
Wednesday morning I woke up feeling really nauseous.Wednesday morning is two hours of P.E.- so I figured it would be a better idea if I got extra sleep and didn't go run around for two hours. So that's what I did. So I got up later, got up, got ready and went downstairs. And my host mom asks, "What about school?" and I explained how I didn't feel well, and was going to school, but that I'd thought it would be best if I didn't go to school for P.E. At which point she responds " You have to go to school" and I said that I knew- restated my reasoning once again. And then she claims, "I don't understand my daughter gets up early in the morning and goes to school, and doesn't come until late afternoon, and you, you barely go to school."
At which point I explained that I was taking as many classes as the lady in charge told me I needed to.
And it was the way she said all of this, and the way she looked at me- as though I wasn't telling the truth, as though the looks she was giving me was going to cause me to break down and confess, " You know what you're right, I skip my classes- most of them, and that's why it seems like I'm not at school much."
And so I didn't feel well, and I was being questioned about the most absurd thing- and I felt very uncomfortable, and so although I didn't need to leave the house for another twenty minutes- I got up- put my shoes on- said goodbye- and was on my way.
I spent the twenty minutes instead, at the bus stop- fighting back tears.
I didn't feel well, and I simply didn't understand. WHAT DOES THE LADY EXPECT FROM ME? to go sit in a full schedule of classes in which I understand nothing?
I could understand her confusion if I understood the language- but considering the circumstances, I could not manage to comprehend where her confusion came from.
It was very strange because all of a sudden my host mom stopped really talking to me. She would say "Ahoj Tahani" and that was about it. I was feeling very awkward, uncomfortable, and out of place. I kept running through past events and days in my head- trying to figure out where I did something wrong, something to upset her.
That was Wednesday. I thought maybe it was just an off day- Thursday would be different. But I get home Thursday, and once again- it's as if I had somehow been draped under a cloud of invisibility. Friendliness had been thrown out the window.
Confrontation was clearly the answer.
Confrontation- even just the word draws up a pit in my stomach. Confrontation is one of my down falls, I'm horrible at it. But I couldn't take not knowing what was going on. And so I asked her if we could talk for a minute- and then asked her, " Have I done something wrong, something to upset or bother you?"
and she responds, "No I'm not upset"
and then there is a "but....."
and she starts in,
"I don't understand why you come home from school and are just here in the afternoons. You chose to come here to live the Czech life, but you're not. You just come home from school and are here with me and Eva. You are seventeen, this is not normal. My daughters are always busy after school, always gone, I'm happy if I see them one hour in the evenings. It makes me nervous you being here- and gives me a headache as I can't figure out why you don't go do things. My Bara she is in Portland right now and she is very busy, and she is busy when she is here too- she is a very independant girl (insinuating that I'm not). You need to be doing things, my job is to wash your clothes, and feed you, and give you a nice room....."
and at some point I made mention that the other exchange students go home after school too....
at which point she chimmed in with "Well Martina(my host sister) says that Eleanor (another American student)goes with Czech friends after school. So my host mom had been asking my host sister about the other students....
Eleanor herself claimed she goes home most days, you see the key difference is that I'm the only one who has a host mom that doesn't work.
You see this problem she was having with me coming home. It was a problem for me too- but that is what all my friends do here- they go to school and go home and study.
Initially I was relieved that was her only problem, because it is entirely fixable.
But then yesterday when I was done with running errands and felt like I couldn't go home, it was a strange feeling that resonated through me, one I'm not at all familiar with. I suppose it will just take some getting used to.
So I've jam packed my schedule as follows:
Monday- Czech lessons
then I'm trying out french lessons to keep up my french 5:30-7
and when I went to the school they asked me if maybe I'd like to teach an English class- so we're discussing that- the extra money would be nice.
Tuesday- School
then I'm going to the gym with my friend
Wednesday- going to dance school to sign up for ballroom dancing classes
going to an Art Class with my friend
Thursday- Concert with friends
Friday- tongue piercing ( if I can go through with it- I don't know if I'll be able to AHHHHH)
Saturday- disco in a neighboring village
then the next week
Thursday I'm going to a Czech play
then that weekend hopping the bus and going to visit other exchange students near the Polish border- and may possibly go to Auschwitz.
The weekend after that is Prague weekend.
and dancing lessons start that week
and there is also a concert I'm going to.
Keeping busy is the plan.
It was funny because it was in all this happening that I noticed the slight change in myself.
Two months ago- all my host mom had said would have gotten to me, I would have taken it to heart.
Her statements about my behavior being abnormal, her insinuations that I'm not independant, being compared to the other students- it all would have made me upset.
But I've come to the point where those things only make me laugh.
I'm not normal, that would be boring but I wouldn't say I'm abnormal.
At age 16 I went all over New York City alone- that sounds like a pretty dependant person to me...
and being compared to other students- well, I'm not other people, just me.
And I've only been here two months- it is impossible to figure out the entire lifestyle of a new place in two months, it takes time to adapt, and I am. But at my own pace- and that is perfectly fine.
I'm glad I've undergone this slight yet massive shift in thougt, because two months ago her statements would have made me entirely rethink who I am.
Yet instead they simply reaffirmed the person that I am.
Those are her perceptions of me, but they're not the one's I hold of myself- I've known myself for 17 years, watched myself change throughout the years- seen my self start to form into the person that I am as I write this. She's known me two months and 6 days; and knows only bits and pieces of my story.
Her words can't be taken to heart- she simply doesn't have enough information.
It's like I'm a puzzle- but she only has a few pieces of it- so you can't blame her when she isn't able to put it together properly. I don't blame her.
So this all began Wednesday. And her I sit Saturday morning.
And the plan from here on out is just to keep busy- and steer clear of home as to not make my host mom "nervous"
It's okay, it will just take some getting used to, something I'm not used to, something to add to my list of things to adapt to.
And in the end I know I'll make it through
because after all
"We're All In This Together"
if only Ben Lee knew the ways in which he's changed my life, I plan on telling him one day...personally.
So take time to appreciate those in your life
that appreciate you- who make you feel wanted
because it's not until you feel slightly unwanted
that you realize how much those people truly care- those people that appreciate you.
I appreciate you.
if you have cared, if you care, if you will one day care.
I appreciate you.
And I say this with as much force backing those words as I can muster, those words are coming from the depths of my heart- those words are my truth.
I appreciate you.
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