On Growing up...

I am growing up- yet at a more rapid pace than I was prior to coming here- a pace that often I'm not so sure what to do with.

I have faults. lots and lots of faults- just like you.
I am horrible at confrontation
I am awful at initiating plans
I dread asking for things
When I'm at fault there is generally some sort of excuse.

Those things I listed all rang true when I arrived here- but it seems that in being here I've worked out those kinks.

I have had to confront people- because the other choice was living in discomfort, and despite how uncomfortable confrontation made me- I pushed myself to do it.

I quickly realized that if I didn't initiate plans that I would go without plans a vast majority of the time- and that would leave me alone- with too much time to think which is the last thing I needed- and so I began initiating.

I've had to learn to ask if I can go here or there, I have had to ask my friends to help me with things that the language barrier made difficult for me. I've had to depend on my friends for things that I generally could manage by myself.

And when I recently made my first OOPS in regards to my curfew- I apolgized for my mistake, without searching to find a valid excuse, there was none. I owned up to what I had done, because I was at fault.

It was rather funny, because I was quite afraid to emerge downstairs the next morning, and when I stood at my door contemplating when was the right moment to go downstairs- I heard host dad get home from work and host mom tell him that I hadn't gotten home until late- I was terrified in fact. I found it is one thing when you mess up with your own parents- they had you, it is more or less expected that you are going to mess up from time to time or even frequently. Yet, when messing up with people that are not your parents it is a whole different ball game.

I finally managed to get my feet to pitter patter down the stairs, and approached host mom. I explained that I was sorry, that there was no excuse, and that it would not happen again. I had thought that she would be angry with me, but instead she just smiled and told me that it was okay, that it was just dangerous and not safe- not a good idea, that she worries about me.

I have been living in this house for almost five months, and that is the first time I feel I have truly screwed up- and so perhaps that is why I was let off the hook so easily this time. The sigh of relief that was released after talking to her was rather large- and it was after I left that I realized- how I was deviating from patterns I'd created in my behavior.

Owning up to what you do, is never easy. No one wants to be wrong, to admit that they screwed up. Yet, as I was upstairs dreading downstairs going through excuses I could offer up- I stopped and realized that there was no point in an excuse. I would be more respected for simply owning up to what I'd done- excuses would have only made host mom lose trust in me, respect, and I quite possibly might not have been left off the hook so easily.

I SCREWED UP OKAY- I AM HUMAN- IT HAPPENS SOMETIMES- IT WASN'T THE FIRST TIME, AND I CAN PROMISE IT WON'T BE THE LAST.
BUT I WAS WRONG- AT FAULT- THIS IS ME OWNING UP TO IT.

so no excuses for my actions or behaviors- if I did it, if i am at fault- then alright- I DID IT, and I'll tell you.

I have way too much time to think here, and the other day I came across the word "Perfect" and realized that it is a rather interesting word.
We are constantly told that NOTHING is perfect, which would mean that it could not be used to describe ANYTHING.
However, we do use it- which means that when we do use it- we are talking about something that does not exist.
We can say "He has a perfect smile" but no he doesn't
or "She is perfect" but I'm telling you she's not
I know, a very random thought- sorry I can't control what pops into my head
I'm not Perfect.

I recently had my hair cut and colored.
It is awful and I do not believe I have ever felt more ugly in my life thus far.
And it is amazing to me to see how self validating our appearances are to us.
I do not consider myself to be a superficial person, but that is exactly how I have been acting in regards to my new hair.
I have been sad and upset, because I cannot stand the way in which I look,
yet why does that matter?
I am still the same person I was before I messed with my hair- I AM STILL ME
and after all other people have to look at me more than I have to look at myself- so what exactly is the problem?
I don't exactly know,
but I do not at all like the way in which I have been allowing myself to feel due to my hair.
After all IT IS ONLY HAIR. HAIR. JUST HAIR. Hair really is insignificant.
So here I am catching myself being entirely superficial- and I do not like it at all.
Yet again, I have faults- and I suppose we all are a bit superficial from time to time.

It is amazing how much you learn about yourself- when you have to rebuild your world.
I feel like I am some complex puzzle- that I'm slowly but surely given more and more pieces to. I am always excited to learn what else I will discover, what aspects of myself were hidden even from me. This I believe is what they call growing up.

And I don't think growing up ever ends- I don't belive there is a point where you are "All grown up" I think you can be more grown up than you previously were, but it is something I think you continously do through life. I am growing up now at 17, I will still be growing up at 27, 37, 47, etc. I don't believe you stop growing up until you take that last breath.

My host parents booked their flights to Portland today, to go visit their daughter in June. They want to rent a car and go to California, and I was telling them the distance- hours it takes to drive- something I'm quite familiar with. I told them that taking the coast is longer, but that it's beautiful. I told them about Seattle, my favorite parts of Portland. It is quite strange telling people about a place you are so familiar with- a place that you haven't occupied in quite sometime. It was strange because I got enjoyment out of telling them about a place I love, but I did not have the desire to go with them. I will return in due time.

Alright I've got to stop wrtiing now, off to the movies with friends- to watch a movie in Czech- haha we will see how much of it I understand. But it doesn't matter- I'm not really going for the movie- but to spend time with my friends- which I do every chance I get- because that "due time" is approaching. So I'm soaking it all up while I can.

Give yourself some "YOU" time
stop thinking about this person or that person for just awhile
Give to yourself
because just because you think others should give to you doesn't mean that they will
learn to feel the whole weight of your body upon your two feet
It's true you have others, yet it's also true you've always got yourself.

But you don't only have yourself,
you've at least got me too.
and I'm cheering for you and that life of yours.
Make it what you can.
If you want something in life, reach out and grab it.

just a fellow human being

" I Ain't Settlin' for Anything Less Than Everything"

Everything is relative. individual. Everything to some, is not everything to others.
My everything would have a far different definition than your everything.

This is how dictionary.com defines "everything"


eve·ry·thing [ev-ree-thing] Pronunciation Key -
–pronoun 1. every thing or particular of an aggregate or total; all.
2. something extremely important: This news means everything to us.
–noun 3. something that is extremely or most important: Money is his everything.

and here is my EVERYTHING:

Mom and Zane
- singing "Girls Lie Too" for the millionth time at the top of our lungs, with the sun glasses on, and the windows down- making memories.
- buying massive mailboxes at junk yards- and not realizing the signifigance until after
- sleepless nights fueled by shell
- good conversation over coffee
- being told I'm loved more than anything in the whole entire world
- date nights with the brother- dinner and the movies

DETAILS

THE SMALL THINGS

THE SIMPLICITIES IN LIFE

give me an avacado
a tea bag
a ten cent package of the clear BIC pens with the black caps
give me a good conversation
a used book from Powells
some one of a kind item from Value Village
GETTING TRUE GENUINE HAPPINESS FROM THOSE THINGS- is part of my everything

Giving away my words- sending them off to the eyes of others- letting them resonate through the lives of others- and hopefully impacting someone in some way, shape, or form, from time to time.

Giving in general. Once again- small things. personal things.

Paying attention to people- and truly knowing them(once again reverts back to the whole DETAIL concept)

EVERYTHING- is going to change as the years pass

MY EVERYTHING- is going to change

and so is YOUR EVERYTHING

so enjoy your EVERYTHING in the here and now. Enjoy it while you have it....

because it is all too true that in a matter of months EVERYTHING that my life currently consists of- My enviornment, my day to to day life, my friends, the people influencing me- EVERYTHING will change.

But it's in realizing that EVERYTHING changes, and that it's simply part of life that I'm going to be able to cope with that...EVERYTHING will be okay.

So thats that.
And then there is our upcoming 2008 presidential election, and well, they don't call it a race for no reason. I've always mostly been unaware of presidential elections, I was younger and it was of no importance to me.

I've been having to keep up to date on the internet, visiting all the candidates websites reading all about them and their views on issues, their goals and plans for the country should they be elected.

And being that in fact this is a race, it is natural that they all want to come across that finish line first. If they were a product, they would want to sell themselves. But this is where I become irritated. This is politics we are talking about- so there is no cut and cry. HELLLO POLITICS. POLITICIANS. there is no cut and dry to be found.

But here is the deal, each candidate wants to win. Each candidate needs to appeal to the population in order to claim office. They each have to state THEIR views on various issues. But that's is my question. Are they really THEIR views? Or are they the views that they think a vast majority of people will hold. I suppose I'm not really asking a question, more making a statement.

It is true that when campaigning in a presidential election you cannot stay 100% true to all of your views- unless of course you are in the race to lose.

I get to vote in the upcoming race, and I was initially very excited about this. You know, getting to take a stand, make my opinion count towards what the future of our country is to look like. I'm not so excited now, as I am cautious. Voting to me, seems like quite the gambling game- you are given a glimpse of the candidates although cannot be certain what they will truly do until they are placed in office, and then, well, if it doesn't turn out how you'd thought it's a bit too late to go back and change your mind.

I will vote in this gambling game, my vote will count towards something. What exactly it's counting towards, that is the question- and not one you nor I can answer.

Oh the joys of politics...if the founding fathers could see us now.

My current host family took off for the week to go to the mountains, my assumption is that they didn't take me because of the obvious fact that I do not know how to ski. Which makes sense I suppose, why are you going to drag someone along on a ski trip if they don't know how to ski?

Anyways, so my current host mom arranged it so that for the week I would be staying with my new host family. I was informed of this on Friday, and was given the weekend to mentally prepare myself, although I was still nervous; scared, etc.

Yesterday was Monday, so around 6:30 p.m. I hopped the bus to my new host families house. Host Mom happened to be taking the garbage out as I was walking up to the door, so she looked up and smiled and me, put the garbage down and took me inside.
She didn't say one word in english, but instead began immediately speaking czech to me. She explained where my key was, and to just put it back on friday when I left. She then led me to my room, showed me the closet where I could put my stuff, and asked me if I was hungry.

I sat eating dinner across from host mom, as we talked about various things- all in Czech. She told me about her son and how he is currently in New York, on exchange, how he recently broke his thumb playing basketball. She told me about her job, about being a Judge and dealing with Criminal Law. I told her how I want to become a lawyer, and she told me that when I live with her I can come watch some of the court hearings- see how the European Continental System of law works. It was really good, and I think my Czech will get a lot better when I live there.

Host Dad and Host Sister seem nice as well, but are also awfully shy- so it will take me awhile to get a true feel for them. But I think it's going to be good.

I don't move there until the first week of March, which when I thought about it made me realize that by that time I will have lived with my current family for 6 months- which is a very long time. Time is passing at a rather rapid pace. really rapid.

So going to stay with my next host family was the first main event of the week...

the next comes friday
when I have to meet my 25 year old dance partner to go to dance lessons.
Mind you, I have never met this boy, nor have I ever even heard of this dance that I am about to learn.
This would all be the work of Rotary.
They are having a ball- are making us go to dance lessons to learn a dance for it- and asked that we have partners...
and so I recruited my friends to help- and my friend asked her friend- and there you go 25 year old is what came out of it.
I'm only hoping that it is going to be okay with Rotary- this would so not go over well at home- but then again, I'm not home.

Hope all is well
in whatever city, in which ever region of the world you find yourself,
I hope life is good-
that you are taking time to appreciate those in your life
and making a mental note of all the small things that make life incredible.
I read today on someone's folder at school
"Life is a Party" and so I say this:
so be the host
don't wait for someone else to throw a party
throw your own.
Be happy being you.

Oh and for those of you that think I'm funny
you might find humor in this,
because I did-
today the other girl from Washington came to visit
and I accidently coughed on her
and she said " Why did you cough on me?"
and I said, " I didn't, I was gracefully clearing my throat."
haha
if you don't find it funny- then I guess you had to be there.


Make today count- It will be gone tomorrow