On Growing up...

I am growing up- yet at a more rapid pace than I was prior to coming here- a pace that often I'm not so sure what to do with.

I have faults. lots and lots of faults- just like you.
I am horrible at confrontation
I am awful at initiating plans
I dread asking for things
When I'm at fault there is generally some sort of excuse.

Those things I listed all rang true when I arrived here- but it seems that in being here I've worked out those kinks.

I have had to confront people- because the other choice was living in discomfort, and despite how uncomfortable confrontation made me- I pushed myself to do it.

I quickly realized that if I didn't initiate plans that I would go without plans a vast majority of the time- and that would leave me alone- with too much time to think which is the last thing I needed- and so I began initiating.

I've had to learn to ask if I can go here or there, I have had to ask my friends to help me with things that the language barrier made difficult for me. I've had to depend on my friends for things that I generally could manage by myself.

And when I recently made my first OOPS in regards to my curfew- I apolgized for my mistake, without searching to find a valid excuse, there was none. I owned up to what I had done, because I was at fault.

It was rather funny, because I was quite afraid to emerge downstairs the next morning, and when I stood at my door contemplating when was the right moment to go downstairs- I heard host dad get home from work and host mom tell him that I hadn't gotten home until late- I was terrified in fact. I found it is one thing when you mess up with your own parents- they had you, it is more or less expected that you are going to mess up from time to time or even frequently. Yet, when messing up with people that are not your parents it is a whole different ball game.

I finally managed to get my feet to pitter patter down the stairs, and approached host mom. I explained that I was sorry, that there was no excuse, and that it would not happen again. I had thought that she would be angry with me, but instead she just smiled and told me that it was okay, that it was just dangerous and not safe- not a good idea, that she worries about me.

I have been living in this house for almost five months, and that is the first time I feel I have truly screwed up- and so perhaps that is why I was let off the hook so easily this time. The sigh of relief that was released after talking to her was rather large- and it was after I left that I realized- how I was deviating from patterns I'd created in my behavior.

Owning up to what you do, is never easy. No one wants to be wrong, to admit that they screwed up. Yet, as I was upstairs dreading downstairs going through excuses I could offer up- I stopped and realized that there was no point in an excuse. I would be more respected for simply owning up to what I'd done- excuses would have only made host mom lose trust in me, respect, and I quite possibly might not have been left off the hook so easily.

I SCREWED UP OKAY- I AM HUMAN- IT HAPPENS SOMETIMES- IT WASN'T THE FIRST TIME, AND I CAN PROMISE IT WON'T BE THE LAST.
BUT I WAS WRONG- AT FAULT- THIS IS ME OWNING UP TO IT.

so no excuses for my actions or behaviors- if I did it, if i am at fault- then alright- I DID IT, and I'll tell you.

I have way too much time to think here, and the other day I came across the word "Perfect" and realized that it is a rather interesting word.
We are constantly told that NOTHING is perfect, which would mean that it could not be used to describe ANYTHING.
However, we do use it- which means that when we do use it- we are talking about something that does not exist.
We can say "He has a perfect smile" but no he doesn't
or "She is perfect" but I'm telling you she's not
I know, a very random thought- sorry I can't control what pops into my head
I'm not Perfect.

I recently had my hair cut and colored.
It is awful and I do not believe I have ever felt more ugly in my life thus far.
And it is amazing to me to see how self validating our appearances are to us.
I do not consider myself to be a superficial person, but that is exactly how I have been acting in regards to my new hair.
I have been sad and upset, because I cannot stand the way in which I look,
yet why does that matter?
I am still the same person I was before I messed with my hair- I AM STILL ME
and after all other people have to look at me more than I have to look at myself- so what exactly is the problem?
I don't exactly know,
but I do not at all like the way in which I have been allowing myself to feel due to my hair.
After all IT IS ONLY HAIR. HAIR. JUST HAIR. Hair really is insignificant.
So here I am catching myself being entirely superficial- and I do not like it at all.
Yet again, I have faults- and I suppose we all are a bit superficial from time to time.

It is amazing how much you learn about yourself- when you have to rebuild your world.
I feel like I am some complex puzzle- that I'm slowly but surely given more and more pieces to. I am always excited to learn what else I will discover, what aspects of myself were hidden even from me. This I believe is what they call growing up.

And I don't think growing up ever ends- I don't belive there is a point where you are "All grown up" I think you can be more grown up than you previously were, but it is something I think you continously do through life. I am growing up now at 17, I will still be growing up at 27, 37, 47, etc. I don't believe you stop growing up until you take that last breath.

My host parents booked their flights to Portland today, to go visit their daughter in June. They want to rent a car and go to California, and I was telling them the distance- hours it takes to drive- something I'm quite familiar with. I told them that taking the coast is longer, but that it's beautiful. I told them about Seattle, my favorite parts of Portland. It is quite strange telling people about a place you are so familiar with- a place that you haven't occupied in quite sometime. It was strange because I got enjoyment out of telling them about a place I love, but I did not have the desire to go with them. I will return in due time.

Alright I've got to stop wrtiing now, off to the movies with friends- to watch a movie in Czech- haha we will see how much of it I understand. But it doesn't matter- I'm not really going for the movie- but to spend time with my friends- which I do every chance I get- because that "due time" is approaching. So I'm soaking it all up while I can.

Give yourself some "YOU" time
stop thinking about this person or that person for just awhile
Give to yourself
because just because you think others should give to you doesn't mean that they will
learn to feel the whole weight of your body upon your two feet
It's true you have others, yet it's also true you've always got yourself.

But you don't only have yourself,
you've at least got me too.
and I'm cheering for you and that life of yours.
Make it what you can.
If you want something in life, reach out and grab it.

just a fellow human being