Holiday Break...and this thing we call Christmas

I have so much going around in my head, so much I want to share- I just wish you all had your own plug and could simply use a converter to tap into my outlet and access my thoughts. Yet, unfortunately converters in the sense of plugs only work with things like blow dryers and other such items, although a lot of the time people end up blowing them up anyways. And we wouldn't want to go blowing any of you up, now would we?

So that leaves me to simply divulge the contents of what's all in my head, to take words and weave them together to create a picture of whats going on in my head as well as in my life. And despite my best efforts my thoughts may end up all across the board- but that's just how it comes out sometimes- and that I'm learning is quite alright.

Because things don't always have to be structured and mapped out. Maps are capable of showing you your present location- and they have the ability to show you where you're going- but they can't tell you what all you're going to find when you get there. If you don't know what you will find, have not the slightest clue, that doesn't make you bad or unprepared- it simply makes you human. I used to thrive on structure and plans, I was comfortable with them, but now too much of either causes me to feel as though I'm being suffocated, stiffled. Yes strucutre and plans belong in some places, yet not in others.

I used to place myself in a box of structure- and when choices I made or actions I carried out, fell outside of that box, in my eyes I had failed. I had let people down. Yet it is now that I am able to see, that in straying from my box of strucutre I wasn't letting anyone down- I just had convinced myself I was. I was being harder on myself and placing more judgement on myself than anyone else was.

In regards to that, I see change in myself. I step out of that box of structure I created for myself and I don't beat myself up for doing so. Life is about trial and error, and error shows up quite frequently- I was going to wear myself down if I was so judgemental of myself everytime my trial turned into error. I am growing up, and from here on out my errors will get more complex, it will take more to fix them, reverse them, repair them. But that is okay- these things are what life consists of- they're inevitable, so you might as well learn to deal with them- allow yourself to acknowledge that failure in any area of your life is normal. And ask yourself, "Is it really failure if you learn from it?"

Failure is defined as "a lack of success or adequacy" Yet, isn't that all relative? Success in who's eyes? adequate to whom? Success has come out of a lot of things that I could consider failures, I've learned many things about myself through failure, grown, revised and redited aspects of myself. Failure is a teacher we have been taught to be afraid of, when in truth its the best teacher we will ever have.

Moving swiftly along, let me depict my last week for you- a really good week, filled with various different emotions- highs, lows, and every level inbetween.

Friday- I was simply in a funk that morning, kind of out of it, letting loneliness creep in my thoughts. So i got up, got ready, rode the bus to school, and it really didn't take too long for my funk to end.

As soon as I walk into the classroom my friends call to me " Pod sem!... Pod sem!"
(Come here! Come here!) So i go over and are handed Christmas cards, and then my one friend hands me this envelope, which I tear open only to find this photo collage of all of us friends, with PF written in the middle which is french, and means to congratulate- and is what they send off for good wishes for the new year. And I was happy, and overwhelmed, and I had to hold back tears. My friends here continue to amaze me- continue to blow me away, to do the unexpected.


*This is the picture collage, that almost made me cry*


*and these would be my friends*





During class my friend Lucie, told me that her grandmother had died the previous day, and that she needed a black coat to wear, and it would it be possible for her to borrow my black pea coat I always wear. Of course it was no problem. So after school we went out for coffee with friends and visited about various things, and then Lucie came home with me.

We arrived at my house and I told her she could come in, but she insisted it was okay, she didn't need to, that I could just grab the coat, she didn't want to be a bother. You, see, she knows that it's not my house, and that my host mom was home, and she didn't want to make it awkward for me. I kept insisting she could come in, but she wouldn't hear of it, and I just found that awfully thoughtful of her.

After I grabbed the coat we went back to Lucies house for awhile, and then went and ran errands together, and then I went home.

The afternoon hadn't consisted of anything extremely exciting, but it had been a really good and fullfilling day for me.

Then that night I met up with my friends around 7, and we eventually made our way to a disco and all went dancing, and I got home about 1:15 a.m.

So Friday was a perfect start to break.

And then there is Saturday, and when I break it down Saturday kind of freaks me out. Was quite possibly one of the most obvious "sliding doors" experiences- or at least one of the one's that you actually notice. ( * sliding doors refers to the concept that if one event is slightly altered, for example you miss the train, or you manage to get on it- that one choice will change everything that is to follow)

So Saturday I met up with Julie, one of the other exchange students here, who is from Canada, because we have taken to hanging out when our Czech friends are unavailable, which is quite often.

We meet up, and I decide that I am hungry, so there is this small food court and we decide that pizza sounds good, so we get in line, but when it's our turn we are told that they are all out of pizza.

So then we decide we will go to this other mall (if you can call it that) and eat in that food court, because they too have pizza.

So we get on the bus and we are going along, when we pass McDonalds, and Julie goes jokingly "well, we could always go to Mcdonalds." and I was like, "you know, for some strange reason that actually sounds good to me."

So we made our way off the bus, walked to Mcdonalds, ordered and sat down to eat. And as we are eating I look down and see an add for the movie P.S. I Love You. And I was like " Oh my gosh, this is playing here already?!" ( because for example we didnt get Knocked up here until October) So Julie goes, " Well you want to go see it tonight?" and of course I answered yes.

So we went to the movies, and it was in English and I was so excited, you really don't understand the worth of a movie in english until you live in a place where thats not so often.

The movie was amazing, and touched me in ways it probably didn't touch others. I found myself laughing hysterically one moment, and crying like a big baby the next. The movie consisted of love, loss, relationships, moving on. There was so much in that two hours that toyed with my emotions, and when i walked out of the theater I was still crying...I couldn't stop. And then I started laughing, because when I walked out of the theater with tears running down my face, I got some of the strangest looks from Czech men who had emerged from the movie with their significant other.

And after seeing that movie, I decide my mom needed to also. So i sent her an e-mail, with an attachment, that she was not to read, but to print and keep safely in her purse, until she was waiting for the movie to begin. Because I knew the movie would touch her, in the same way it touched me.

Also, when I got home I told my host parents that I would watch my little host sister, and that they needed to go see the movie also.

Now let's back up a moment shall we- to go through how this was a sliding doors experience.

There had to be no pizza at the first place we tried to eat, because had there been- we would have eaten, and probably would have not aquired knowledge that the movie was playing.


Now you can think I'm crazy, that I've completely lost my mind- but in that playing out I was able to touch my mom- to give her something I wouldn't have had to give her otherwise.

The whole lack of pizza- changed everything.

And that is why this life thing is so complex, and no one can figure it out, because a lack of pizza would generally be overlooked as an insignificant detail- but it turns out it was rather significant.

Sunday- was not very eventful- hung out at home- but then Lucie came over to give me back my coat.
I told her that it wasn't a big deal, that she didn't have to worry about getting it back to me, but she was all worried about it.
So she comes over and calls me from outside the gate to my house, so I go meet her and she hands me this bag- so I take it, assuming that just my coat is in it.
So we talk for awhile, and then I go back inside and take out my coat- but that is not all that's there.
There is also a box of chocolate ( which I shamefully have consumed all by myself)
and a book, "Happiness Is" ( but in czech of course). And once again I was blown away, by the things my friends are doing for me- they've known me three months- and they do for me, as though they've known me much longer.

And then, I had a moment where I just lost it, and I couldn't stop crying. Deep heaving sobs, because I don't want to have to leave all of this behind. Because I was aware that leaving is something very real, and that the longer I'm here, the more attached I will get. But then I started writing, and basically wrote myself through my meltdown...concluding that perhaps these people were only supposed to come into my life for a short while to be amazing friends, and teach me lessons about life, and myself, that I will forever carry with me. So when I leave, I won't have them physically with me, but they will always be a part of me, for what they added to my life when I was around.

And now we finally find ourselves at Monday- Christmas Eve,
which is when everything is carried out here anyways, the dinner, the gift opening.
Christmas Eve is also when the tree goes up.
And at some point I had gone upstairs for awhile, and when I came back down there was the tree- lit and decorated, and my house looked like something from a movie, if you don't believe me, just see for yourself:







*these stairs, by the way, I've fallen down twice- it's painful, I don't recommend it*




Dinner consisted of Carp (Kapr) soup, fried Carp, as well as potato salad.
The soup was really good, and thankfully host dad didn't inform me until I had finished it- that it was really important to only use the head of the fish for the soup for it to turn out right. ha.
And the Carp was good as well, but this is how dinner felt to me. It felt as though I had brought a summer picnic to Decemeber, with the potato salad, and like I'd decided to venture over to the coast for some fish and chips. It was a strange combination, but it was good- and I suppose that's what matters.

Gift opening was fun, as we have a little one, my youngest host sister is two, and it's been a long time since I've done Christmas with a little one. It is quite exciting to sit back and watch the excitement, the wonder, and innocence shine through on their faces.

Host Dad got host mom a grammaphone, which was really neat, although she couldn't stop laughing, because something is wrong with it and when it plays it sounds like something is dying.



Tuesday- Christmas
It just didn't feel like Christmas, it did not feel as though I was celebrating my
18th Christmas, but instead like I was celebrating some Holiday I've never known before. I guess, in a sense, I was. This was Christmas, unlike I have ever known it.

We drove out into the country to visit family, and although there wasn't a ton of snow on the ground, it was lightly dusted, and I had my white Christmas after all.
We sat around eating, and visiting, laughing.
and at one point we went for a walk, across this big open snow dusted field- and I was just happy, I had nothing to complain about- I was living, breathing, and it was Christmas.








Yesterday the Candadian exchange students friend, showed up to visit her. Her dad is a pilot, so getting here was free, and no problem. And I had asked if she could bring me one thing.
A book entitled "Blue Like Jazz" (yes I am aware that book titles are supposed to be underlined and not put in parenthesis, although this thing does not allow you to underline things, thus parethesis have been substituted for underlining)by Donald Miller, who happens to be from Portland.
The book is nonreligious thoughts on the Christian spirituality, which you are probably thinking is a strange thing for me to read, since I'm not really religious.
But that doesn't matter with this book, it is simply a really good book.
I read it for the first time this summer, before I left, I actually read it a couple of times this summer.
And there are several occasions since being here when I have simply wanted to pick that book up and read it, so when the friend was coming, that is what i asked for.

I picked it up, and began to read it last night, and the book is still good, still the same book, yet it's not quite as good as I recall it being. The book has not changed, it still holds the same words it did this summer, so the logical explanation would be that I have somehow changed, or shifted. Which is simply a strange thought- that a book can show you how you've altered. Because it is not as though I sit hear constantly aware of the ways in which I'm changing- I don't think most of it will hit me until I come home. But that book- it caught me off guard, that's all.

I hope everyone had a good Christmas,
whatever it is you ended up doing- I hope you made the best out of it
that you cherised the moments with that crazy family of yours
that you laughed at all the mishaps
that you remebered that it's the thought that counts
and gave- because you wanted to, and not because you felt you had to.

New Years is coming and I'm rather excited,
not because it's the start of something new and a list of resolutions- because I don't need to start over just yet, and I set my resolutions when I feel it's right, not when the Calendar turns back to one.
Yet I'm excited to start 2008 in an entirely new place, with friends that I aquired near the end of 2007.
It may be the end of the year- but something else is getting started- 2008, and it will be whatever you choose to make it.
YOU CHOOSE.
You've got to stop pointing fingers, as to why life isn't what you want it to be.
Look in that mirror, and realize, that regardless of how many people you have in your life, REALIZE that that person looking back at you is the one person you've always got. They arn't going anywhere.

So make 2008 "YOUR YEAR"
Live life, get what you can out of it
because things arn't just going to happen- you're going to have to go after what you want...but I'll tell you a secret...
it's worth it.

So here is to a year of self discovery,
of new things,
of LIVING, LAUGHING, and LOVING
make it what you want. But make it something.

There's Just Something About...

Watching an old couple vacate the bus. It's nothing like watching a person of my age or younger, step off the bus- but more like a moment that triggers some unexplainable thing within you.

This morning on my way home I watched this little old lady, slowly but surely make her way off of the bus, and then once her feet were on solid ground, she turned around, held out her hand, and helped her husband, who held a cane in one hand- and bags in another, safely step off the bus.

We grow up being constantly reminded that the male species is superior. Stronger. Better. Yet in that moment, watching the old women, help the old man, there was no distinction between superior and inferior- his body was just as weak and frail as hers. Age is not sexist. Ages comes whether we like it to or not. It is something most dread- but why dread something that is inevitable?

Yes the male is physically built superior to that of a female. Yet there is more to each species than the physical aspect. Yes men can use their strength to beat women, to hold them down- but does using power they were given without having to work for, to place others in vulnerable and inferior positions, is that really being superior?

So Men are stronger, so what? Eventually age will take over, and just as I saw today that will no longer matter. The women will help lead the man off the bus, and not because she has become superior- but because the male has finally seen what its like to be physically inferior. Because with age- there is no longer a clear and distinct difference- they become one in the same.

Alright that's all I've got for now, naturally there is more going on in this head of mine- but I either can't find the right way to put it down, or I'm not sure it should be pasted across cyberspace...so like always more will come later.

Tak Cau,
Mit hezky den ( have a good day)

The Inner Workings In The Mind Of A 17 Year Old Girl

It is strange how some realizations come about, or perhaps where they choose to come about. I ride the bus everyday, several times a day- and on this particular Wednesday afternoon- when I was heading towards the square- away from home- a certain realization decided to breakthrough.

For seventeen years, I have felt loved, and have been surrounded by those that love me. Right now- at this point in my life- love is not such an ever present thing- it's not lurking right around the corner, it currently lies in a land far far away. I am loved, I know this- that is not the issue. It is just not having that love constantly around you that causes loneliness to come knocking on your door, and sometimes when loneliness knocks, you unfortunately answer.

But it's okay, because sometimes loneliness can be quite a positive thing, which I've recently learned since being here. Sometimes it causes you to sit back and revaluate things, gain knew perspectives, decide what truly is important as well as who and what matters to you.

my heart, I also believe, is sick. sick. and hurting, bitter, resentful, distanced, guarded, neutral. Never before in my life has the phrase "out of sight out of mind" rang so true, never have I felt like a victim of that short string of words,that is, until now.
"How are you?" or "How's Life?" are things I haven't heard from anyone in a very very long time.
out of sight, out of mind.
It simply causes a melancholy feeling, an unexplainable ache.
People have dismissed my existence because I am across an ocean.
I guess I underestimated the power of the Atlantic.

And things on this side of the Atlantic as far as Americans go- are pulling on my heart strings as well.
Words can be quite powerful, this I'm sure you know, and I am a frequent participater of placing words down on paper, of formulating strings of words, that in turn form sentences, that make up this piece of me I've created.
Since words are something I enjoy so much- I think that may possibly be why I take them very personally.
I was recently informed that the mass majority of the other exchange students do not like me at all and have said things to the effect of "She is a typical American Girl and should not be here."
They also created a club of which I am the only member, as the person they would push in front of a moving bus.

Now that sounds like a really mature thing to say, I know.
And I'm at an age where statements like that should be able to be brushed off easily- but really is there an age for that? Do things like that ever stop getting to you?
I am trying to let it not bother me. trying would be the operative word. Because as much as I would like to sit here and say that those words arn't getting to me at all- I would be lying to myself.
I shouldn't be here?
those are some rather strong words- quite possibly one of the most offensive things that could have been said.
I realize people arn't always going to like you, it's just how life works- but having the mass majority of a group of 24 dislike you, when they are the only other people here going through what you are you just feel sort of hurt.
All I did was be myself,
and apparently myself was something most of them don't care for.

But I'm still confused as to why I am letting this get to me so much, because the truth is I don't really enjoy spending time with most of them anyway. The exchange student get togethers are all about who wants who, and who is going to "hook up" with who, as well as getting drunk.
First of all, if I was going to "hook up" with anyone while here, it would not be anyone from the North American continent, it would be a Czech- I am in Czech, Americans are waiting back at home.
And getting drunk I would prefer to do with Czechs as well, because drinking with Czechs is quite different than drinking with Americans.
So I don't really mesh with them either- but I don't sit around claiming that they don't belong here, that they shouldn't be here.
These are the times when I am so very aware of my age, when I feel like seventeen is compatable with age five and I'm running home to tell mom, " She said we wern't best friends anymore!"
I just feel with my new found self suffienct life style- I should be able to rise above words- let them go, but then again I'm only human.

Now on a happier note
my czech friends are truly making my experience here amazing
their care and concern
the way they enjoy my company and I enjoy theirs
the way we tease and laugh and joke together
I've only known them about three months,
and yet I feel like I've known them for so much longer
I am invested- and sometimes when I think of what they've given me
I get teary eyed
because I realize that just as I came and jumped in
I will have to eventually leave and jump out
but I mostly don't think about that
I just sit back and enjoy the time,
cherish the memories,
because things come and go in life
and you can't enjoy them if all you do is sit and worry about when they're going to go.

Oh and it always catches me off guard when things come about in times when they are most needed. I was browsing through my saved documents today, opening one’s with random titles, seeing what was there to be found. And I came across something that I think I needed to read, something that caused the step in my bounce to be just a bit lighter.

What I found was a piece of writing I’d written after being out one night with a couple of friends back home. At three a.m. we had loaded Grant’s guitar into the trunk of his car and he, Allie, and I- headed to a spot along the river, and he played and sang, and it was just one of those nights that stick with you. But as what generally occurs I had gone and forgotten about that night- about my thoughts and feelings that night, until I read my account of the evening, which I’d written to remind myself of the time when days, months, and years had passed and that night had been long forgotten. And so here it was today reminding me-
And I just thought I’d share it with you- perhaps there is something for others to gain from it as well...

March 24, 2007
"Tonight was simply one of those nights that don't happen on purpose, one of those nights where you follow where you are lead, one of those nights that will stick with a girl when she is off in the middle of the Czech Republic all by herself, without these friends, without the familiar surroundings. With all those things gone, she will still have that memory, I will still have that to hold onto, if nothing else. I don't even know where to start. Should I begin with the water? The calm and copacetic water, that had initially been dead and still when we arrived, and as the songs played, the melody and harmony filling the air, with nothing to catch the sound, the water picked up, the ripples across it became more frequent, the movement more aggressive as though our presence made an impact on how the water went about its business. I sat there, the strumming of the guitar vibrating in my eardrums, as Grant's voice broke through, and just watched, took it all in. At one point is was as though there was no music, I was so drawn in by the constant flow of ripples that moved back and forth... back and forth..., they sucked me in, grabbed and held my attention, placed me in some sort of trance. And then there was the bridge. The same bridge I have seen and gone over dozens and dozens of times, but for once, I actually saw it, the detail, what it truly is. I counted...one...two...three....and finally a total of six arches that I could see from where I sat. Occasionally, there would be fragments of time in which no cars would cross, and it seemed as though everything had stopped, except the three of us, as though through some unexplainable reason, the music created life, was the force that kept bringing the cars over the bridge, a welcoming, that those cars had no idea they were receiving. The log in which we sat, I suppose was just a log, it could have been any log, but tonight it was our log. It had the perfect little wedge in which I swung one of my legs over, and although I was not always conscious of it, my feet never stopped moving, perhaps because the music was calling to them, because to be still would be an insult to music itself. These nights, these times, are what I need to keep me going next year, points in which forgetting the surrounding takes away from the meaning and significance that it holds. If I can't remember what my room looks like, where exactly my bed is positioned, it will be okay, as long as I can hold this night within my head, as long as out of all the pictures that don't last, that these one's do."

I don't know, it just reminded me of where I was at mentally in March, where I am now, and just the shifts and changes that have occured since then. A lot has happened in life since March- and it all has been good stuff, even now looking back the hard things have toughened me up, I gained something from them, so I can't really complain.

Which in turn reminded me of how at this time of year it is common for people to send out Christmas cards with letters included telling all about how the past year has been for them- although what it truly is, is a masked and sugar coated version of what their year was like- they arn't real. Sure you can have really good years- but life is anything but flawless, there are always going to be bumps in the road, obstacles- but never before have I read about those in anyones Christmas letters.
So I am going to recap my year- honestly- because everyone knows life is all over the place.

This past year has consisted of heart break, realizing what is important, rebuilding relationships, and learning a lot of lessons.

My heart was invested in a person more than it ever has been, only to be mangaled and handed back to me- but I would do it all over again, because despite the fact that at the time it wasn't fun going through it- I came out realizing a lot about who I could choose to become, and who I want to be. I had settled for treatment I was unworthy of, that anyone would have been unworthy of. But I learned.

My mom and I started the year off more distanced than we had ever been, and I started the year with the attitude that, that wasn't going to change. I put up a wall and had convinced myself that there was no getting in. Fortunately, a lot of pivotal moments occured in our relationship, and my wall came down- THANK GOD. And right before I left we were closer than I think we have ever been. My mom is one amazing lady, and everytime I talk about her here, people go, " Wow your mom sounds amazing." and I just smile that crooked smile of mine that she loves so much, and say, "Yeah, she is."

I left my whole world behind- and took on the endevour of building a new one.
I learned the meaning of self sufficient
I learned that sometimes you've only got yourself to lean on
I finally understood what people meant when they talked about loneliness
and learned that I'm capable of confrontation although it makes me what to curl up in a ball and just roll away
I got the most painful ulcer on my leg- and it was nasty, so nasty
I decided that I want children, when before that was not even an option, they were out of the question.
I learned that changing your mind about things is perfectly alright, and that sometimes life isn't going to end up how you've planned- things change- you change.
It is okay to have no idea what you are doing...there can't always be a plan.

This past year, the whole year- consisted of a lot of learning. I learned tough lessons, I shed a lot of tears, had more than enough laughs, never enough sleep, bad fights, late nights, and lots of coffee and tea.

It wasn't flawless, in fact it was flawfull ( no that is not a word, but I'm using it anyway)but hey, that's life.

New Years is coming,
naturally after Christmas as it does every year-
and don't get me wrong it's a fun holiday
but I don't quite like it's meaning, what it stands for
generally if people are going to make new starts
they do so starting January 1st,
but why can't they do it on June 6th
or March 7th ?
You can have a new years whenever you want, you could start tomorrow,
New Years is just society pushing you to have a new start,
I'd rather have a new start when I'm ready- and maybe on the first I won't be ready,
so I won't make empty promises to myself- if I don't need a new start- a new year.
Make resolutions when you're up for it- that way you follow through.

I'm sorry if this has been the most all across the board entry, but that's how my thoughts seem to unravel these days.
Enjoy the holidays,
spend time with those that matter,
and if the holiday happens to be spent with crazy family members
and is all disfunctional
and stresses you out
just do me one favor,
take it all in
and remember...

"WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER"

The Lack of Thanksgiving in the life of an ALL AMERICAN GIRL

Well before we get to Thanksgiving Thursday- let's touch on Monday, shall we?
I pierced my tongue Monday,
I really cannot believe that I was actually able to go through with it, especially since I watched my friend go first.
Don't worry I captured the event on video- although due to my rule about not showing pictures of myself while I'm here it will be awhile until it is available for your viewing pleasure.

Now...Thanksgiving. Well, it didn't feel like Thanksgiving at all- yet throughout the day I couldn't help but thinking of all I had in my life to be thankful for, and although I didn't have a traditional Thanksgiving- I managed to have a really good evening. I went to my first Czech play with all of my friends, and well the story of the show was rather self explanatory so it didn't matter that I was unable to understand the mass majority of the show- I was in the company of people I am thankful to have in my life- laughing and enjoying life. Afterwards we went to a pub and just sat around visiting. So there was no turkey, no mashed potatoes, no five cup salad or pumpkin pie- but it was Thanksgiving, and I was thankful and exactly where I was supposed to be.

And then came Friday night.
So Friday night I was supposed to meet Julie( the Canadian exchange student) in the square, but my bus had been late so I was running a few minutes late and I get a call from her. And she was slightly freaking out on the phone although I didn't know why and so I tell her that I'm on my way, that I'll hurry. When I get off my bus I half sprint/run/jog from the bus stop to the square- because Julie isn't one to freak out so I figured something must be wrong.

I get there and she is all shooken up- she had been waiting for me in the square when this man about mid fourty's approaches her and starts speaking in czech, and THANK GOD she can understand some czech and didn't just smile and nod, because the man asks her if she wants to have sex- and she tells him no, and then he asks her to go to get a bite to eat with him or to go get something to drink and she says no and she goes to walk away and he grabs her arm- and then tries to kiss her- at which point she like yanks herself away- but he manages to grab her hand and kiss it- then she ran away and called me.

So Julie was hungry so we went and got her something to eat and then went back to the square- AND CREEPY McCreepster was still there, but away from us- and there were people all around- and so we sat ourselves on a bench, and really I just wanted to go up to that man and deck him- but I didn't. But, just wait. I think what i did was better.

So we are sitting there and Mr. Creep approaches another girl and starts talking to her and I was like UMMMM I DONT THINK SO....not again. So Julie and I realize that we have the power to save her. So we walk up to the man and girl and I say to the girl Prosim (excuse me) but then I started speaking in English- because the man didnt speak english so I figured it would probably be best if he couldn't understand what I was saying. So I ask the girl to come with me- and she looks confused- but I think that was because her english was very poor- but she says okay and we walk away from creepy. So Julie and I try to explain to the girl about the man- but her english was bad, but at the end I think she understood that he was bad and that we had helped her- so she thanked us and then we left- because we figured CREEPY probably wasn't very happy with us.

But I was just glad we had saved the girl from that man. It was sort of strange because approaching him with that girl I wasn't afraid- If anything I was just sickened at what he was doing- and there were people all around so I knew that if he tried anything funny all I had to do was scream and everyone would turn and look.

And it was this situation that reaffirmed the fact that my mom knows how to raise children, as I'm not the type to sit back and let things happen when I'm perfectly capable of stopping them. In going and stopping him from preying upon that girl I wasn't gaining anything- I wasn't doing it for me. I could have stayed on that bench. But something in me- made me get up off that bench, march across that square- and remove the girl from the unpleasant situation- and I believe that "something" was instilled in me by my mom.

So I'm awfully thankful for that mom of mine, and I'm sure the girl would be thankful too- because it was through my mom instilling things in me- that I was able to act in that situation- to help her, so indirectly my mom helped her too. And you see this is how it all goes back to "We're All In This Together"
because even though my mom wasn't there- and she didn't stop the situation- it is because things I've learned from her that I was able to do so, Don't you see? we really are "All In This Together"


switching gears...I feel like an orphan. I'm living in a foreign country at seventeen without parents. I'm sure that sounds great, huh?
I miss someone asking where I've been and who I've been with- what I've been doing.
I miss someone asking about my day and what it consisted of- I miss advice, lectures, and being told that I've royally screwed up, that I'm in the wrong.
I ask for nothing. I'm given a shower, a bed, and food- beyond that I'm really on my own.
And when I ask for the smallest of favors it apparently is too much to ask. My mom sent me a package and it is supposed to arrive any day now, but when it arrives I have to pay custom fees on it. So I informed host mom about this and told her that I'd leave money on the counter the next morning before I went to school in case it showed up when I was at school.
I assumed this would be no problem- host mom doesn't work- she is home everyday, it wouldn't be a big deal for her to pay for my package right?
Wrong.
She came back with " I think it would be better if you go and pick it up at the post, when the post women comes I will just not take the package and so she will give me a slip and you can go and pick it up at the post."
she added that she doesn't like dealing with other people's money.
So because host mom is "uncomfortable" dealing with my money I will have to probably end up going to a post office- and as far as its location I have absolutely no idea- to ask for my package in a language that I don't speak...
simply because she can't pay for my package when it's delivered at the door.

Now don't worry being the optimist that I am, I've taken to looking at this as yet another learning experience- taking on foreign post,
but that doesn't mean that I'm not still annoyed- that the one small favor I ask, is just too much. I simply don't understand. Oh, well. Czech Post Office...HERE I COME.


The whole growing up process has been pushed forward it seems, and is being carried out at an abnormally rapid speed...strange how circumstance can do that.

circumstance it seems changes a lot of things.

alright off to go Czech homework that I've been putting off
as well as to put together a presentation about the political system in the U.S.- haha good thing I took AP U.S. History last year.

Hope that Thanksgiving was good for those of you celebrating back in America,
Christmas is coming and rather soon...brace yourself.

Mit Dobry Den
Cau

My busy week, tea houses- czech boys- and the fate of tongues...particularly mine

A long but overdue update. My week was so busy, that at the end of everyday all I wanted to do was hop into bed and allow sleep to wash over me. I could have written, but it would have been short, boring, and I would have been unsatisfied, so sorry, but you just had to wait. We will just go through the week, and I'll do it recap style...so here I go...

Monday- I go to try out french lessons, you know, try and keep up my french while I'm here. haha, right. So I go and the class is taught in czech, and we all know how great my czech is....and I can understand the french, and read it, but whenever I went to speak in french, all that came out was czech. I sat there searching for the words I wanted to say, but I could only think of them in czech...it was very problematic. However, at one point we listened to a french song and had to fill in the missing words, and then they translated it into czech- and I sat back and it was very interesting because there were points where I understood what was being said in czech and in french. Or there would be times where I knew what it was in french but not in czech, and times when I knew the meaning in czech and not french. So overall the class was a bust, because there is no way I can take it and learn- but I'm glad I tried it, it was a good experience.

Tuesday- I went to the gym with my friend which was good, I'd really missed working out. Although it was strange to me because all the machines and such are in english. The treadmill for example, all of the buttons and such are in english, so for the most part no one knows what they say- when I asked my friend how she knows what to do, she said she just hits buttons until it starts working- this I found very funny.

Wednesday- I went to these art classes with my friends, which were held in this really neat old and rustic building- and I'm not much the artistic type- I'm artistic through writing. But there is some sort of peace that comes about from sketching, you just put all your focus towards that and relax. So it doesn't matter that my drawings arn't anything especial, I like the feeling that comes from creating them, for me that is enough. So from now on I'll go weekly to Art Class.

I also signed up for ballroom dancing classes...class starts December 4th at 7 p.m.


Thursday- Okay so I had this thing on my leg and initially I thought it was a bug bite, but then Thursday it started really hurting, like even walking was painful. So my intention was to get home and tell my host parents, yet I get home only to find a note from them telling me they'd gone off to Hungary and wouldn't be back until Saturday afternoon. Ummm WHAT??? I was in pain...I couldn't wait until Saturday. So I showed my host sister and she said she would take me the next day to have it checked out.

Thursday night I went to a concert with my friends, which was a lot of fun, and my leg was killing me, but it didn't matter, I still managed to have fun. My friends however were really concerned about my leg and my one friend told me, " If Martina doesn't take you to the doctor tomorrow, you need to tell us and we will take you."
I was entirely thrown by that statement... and the fact that they had that much care and concern for me.

Friday- morning comes and my host sister tells me she thinks we will just wait until her parents get home( I think she just had plans and didn't want to cancel them....so to to hell with my leg) so I was like fine, whatever.
So I go to school, and my friends are really worried about my leg, and I had a skirt on, because by this point I could no longer wear pants as they rubbed up against it and caused me more pain.
So i go to the bathroom and Lucy follows and asks if she can see my leg, so I show her and she is like wait here a minute, so I wait. And not but a few moments later all of my friends are circled around me in the bathroom inspecting my leg. They came to the conclusion that I couldn't wait until Saturday, that I needed to go to the hospital NOW.
So we go to the head lady, and they tell her my issue, we show her my leg, and she agrees I need to go to the doctor. So my friends go back to class, gather their things, and he head to the doctors.
We get to the doctors and my friends explain what the issue is, and I show the doctor. and he tells me to "show off my boots"( which meant to take them off) and also to take off my roc( to take of my skirt- in german) and I laid on my stomach on the hospital bed so he could have access to my leg. And from my left eye I can see the nurse preparing a shot of something, and I was like okay whatever, if it will stop the pain. But I didn't get just one shot, Oh NO, I was poked about seven times and it was very painful...poked and prodded and cut at...and I didn't know what he was doing or why he was doing it, I just hoped he knew what he was doing.
Anyways it turns out that I had an ULCER on my leg. WHAT THE HECK?? How ever do you get an ulcer? Anyways apparently the doctor knew what he was doing because it feels a lot better, but I have to go back Monday to have it checked on.

Then I go back to school, and Lucy tells me that if I need looking after I can stay at her house, that she already checked with her mom and that it was perfectly alright. I didn't take her up on her offer, she had already done enough- and I'm getting rather good at looking after myself, so I was alright. But the fact that she offered- that she was concerned; it meant a lot. I can already tell these friends are going to be really hard to leave- but we won't worry about that now.

So Friday night I could have gone out and done something, but I was really tired, I'd had a busy week, and I figured my leg could use some resting- so I just hung out at home. It was really really nice actually, some much needed r&r.

Saturday- I wake up and clean my room as the host parents had been gone so my room had become messy for the first time.
I then went to meet Julie and another exchange student that lives in another part of the Czech, but was here and is also from Washington and we went to lunch.
And then after she left Julie and I met up with Eleanor and went to a Cajovna( tea house) and then a little while late in walks my friend Hanka with two friends in tow, so they come over and join us and we all visit. And then after awhile Julie has to leave, and then Eleanor, and I stay. One of her friends, Honza (John) was very nice and we sat and visited and then we had to leave. Honza and I exchanged numbers and he asked me what I was doing next weekend...so we'll see. And then Hanka and her friends bus came before mine, and Honza needed to go to another bus stop to catch his bus- but he waited with me. And after awhile my bus was taking forever to come I told him he didn't need to wait, that it was okay. But he insisted that it was fine. Ha. In America the boy would have been like "Okay Bye!" and would have gone off to catch his bus. So....we'll see.

And then I'd decided that if I was really going to get my tongue pierced that I should probably ask my host parents incase they have a problem with it. So I got home went upstairs and figured out how to ask in czech, but I'd still used wrong words so I'd had to explain myself in english. To my surprise they were fine with it.
Which means that tomorrow, Monday, November 19, 2007 I'm supposed to have my tongue pierced. This thought is both very exciting and entirely unsettling...so we'll see if I'll actually go through with it...I'll let you know tomorrow.

So life is good even with my ulcer and all
perhaps I got the ulcer to show me what good of friends I have found here
who knows.

my only complaint is that time is flying- and I wish it would just slow down a bit.
But that's out of my control- so all I can do is enjoy the time and let it pass.
It's simply how this crazy thing we call life works.

So make something of your time- of your day- of your life
there's no getting it back.
This is it.

.On being ignored and facing your fears.

It has been a long week
and I have been tested in ways I never have before, pushed myself to take the plunge and do things that I'm afraid of- and as I write to you I'm on the other side of that plunge, dealing with what it revealed.

I'll start from the top.


Wednesday morning I woke up feeling really nauseous.Wednesday morning is two hours of P.E.- so I figured it would be a better idea if I got extra sleep and didn't go run around for two hours. So that's what I did. So I got up later, got up, got ready and went downstairs. And my host mom asks, "What about school?" and I explained how I didn't feel well, and was going to school, but that I'd thought it would be best if I didn't go to school for P.E. At which point she responds " You have to go to school" and I said that I knew- restated my reasoning once again. And then she claims, "I don't understand my daughter gets up early in the morning and goes to school, and doesn't come until late afternoon, and you, you barely go to school."
At which point I explained that I was taking as many classes as the lady in charge told me I needed to.

And it was the way she said all of this, and the way she looked at me- as though I wasn't telling the truth, as though the looks she was giving me was going to cause me to break down and confess, " You know what you're right, I skip my classes- most of them, and that's why it seems like I'm not at school much."

And so I didn't feel well, and I was being questioned about the most absurd thing- and I felt very uncomfortable, and so although I didn't need to leave the house for another twenty minutes- I got up- put my shoes on- said goodbye- and was on my way.
I spent the twenty minutes instead, at the bus stop- fighting back tears.
I didn't feel well, and I simply didn't understand. WHAT DOES THE LADY EXPECT FROM ME? to go sit in a full schedule of classes in which I understand nothing?
I could understand her confusion if I understood the language- but considering the circumstances, I could not manage to comprehend where her confusion came from.


It was very strange because all of a sudden my host mom stopped really talking to me. She would say "Ahoj Tahani" and that was about it. I was feeling very awkward, uncomfortable, and out of place. I kept running through past events and days in my head- trying to figure out where I did something wrong, something to upset her.


That was Wednesday. I thought maybe it was just an off day- Thursday would be different. But I get home Thursday, and once again- it's as if I had somehow been draped under a cloud of invisibility. Friendliness had been thrown out the window.
Confrontation was clearly the answer.

Confrontation- even just the word draws up a pit in my stomach. Confrontation is one of my down falls, I'm horrible at it. But I couldn't take not knowing what was going on. And so I asked her if we could talk for a minute- and then asked her, " Have I done something wrong, something to upset or bother you?"

and she responds, "No I'm not upset"

and then there is a "but....."
and she starts in,
"I don't understand why you come home from school and are just here in the afternoons. You chose to come here to live the Czech life, but you're not. You just come home from school and are here with me and Eva. You are seventeen, this is not normal. My daughters are always busy after school, always gone, I'm happy if I see them one hour in the evenings. It makes me nervous you being here- and gives me a headache as I can't figure out why you don't go do things. My Bara she is in Portland right now and she is very busy, and she is busy when she is here too- she is a very independant girl (insinuating that I'm not). You need to be doing things, my job is to wash your clothes, and feed you, and give you a nice room....."

and at some point I made mention that the other exchange students go home after school too....

at which point she chimmed in with "Well Martina(my host sister) says that Eleanor (another American student)goes with Czech friends after school. So my host mom had been asking my host sister about the other students....

Eleanor herself claimed she goes home most days, you see the key difference is that I'm the only one who has a host mom that doesn't work.

You see this problem she was having with me coming home. It was a problem for me too- but that is what all my friends do here- they go to school and go home and study.

Initially I was relieved that was her only problem, because it is entirely fixable.
But then yesterday when I was done with running errands and felt like I couldn't go home, it was a strange feeling that resonated through me, one I'm not at all familiar with. I suppose it will just take some getting used to.

So I've jam packed my schedule as follows:

Monday- Czech lessons
then I'm trying out french lessons to keep up my french 5:30-7
and when I went to the school they asked me if maybe I'd like to teach an English class- so we're discussing that- the extra money would be nice.

Tuesday- School
then I'm going to the gym with my friend

Wednesday- going to dance school to sign up for ballroom dancing classes
going to an Art Class with my friend

Thursday- Concert with friends

Friday- tongue piercing ( if I can go through with it- I don't know if I'll be able to AHHHHH)

Saturday- disco in a neighboring village

then the next week

Thursday I'm going to a Czech play

then that weekend hopping the bus and going to visit other exchange students near the Polish border- and may possibly go to Auschwitz.

The weekend after that is Prague weekend.

and dancing lessons start that week

and there is also a concert I'm going to.

Keeping busy is the plan.

It was funny because it was in all this happening that I noticed the slight change in myself.
Two months ago- all my host mom had said would have gotten to me, I would have taken it to heart.
Her statements about my behavior being abnormal, her insinuations that I'm not independant, being compared to the other students- it all would have made me upset.

But I've come to the point where those things only make me laugh.
I'm not normal, that would be boring but I wouldn't say I'm abnormal.
At age 16 I went all over New York City alone- that sounds like a pretty dependant person to me...
and being compared to other students- well, I'm not other people, just me.
And I've only been here two months- it is impossible to figure out the entire lifestyle of a new place in two months, it takes time to adapt, and I am. But at my own pace- and that is perfectly fine.
I'm glad I've undergone this slight yet massive shift in thougt, because two months ago her statements would have made me entirely rethink who I am.
Yet instead they simply reaffirmed the person that I am.
Those are her perceptions of me, but they're not the one's I hold of myself- I've known myself for 17 years, watched myself change throughout the years- seen my self start to form into the person that I am as I write this. She's known me two months and 6 days; and knows only bits and pieces of my story.
Her words can't be taken to heart- she simply doesn't have enough information.
It's like I'm a puzzle- but she only has a few pieces of it- so you can't blame her when she isn't able to put it together properly. I don't blame her.

So this all began Wednesday. And her I sit Saturday morning.
And the plan from here on out is just to keep busy- and steer clear of home as to not make my host mom "nervous"
It's okay, it will just take some getting used to, something I'm not used to, something to add to my list of things to adapt to.

And in the end I know I'll make it through
because after all
"We're All In This Together"
if only Ben Lee knew the ways in which he's changed my life, I plan on telling him one day...personally.

So take time to appreciate those in your life
that appreciate you- who make you feel wanted
because it's not until you feel slightly unwanted
that you realize how much those people truly care- those people that appreciate you.

I appreciate you.
if you have cared, if you care, if you will one day care.
I appreciate you.
And I say this with as much force backing those words as I can muster, those words are coming from the depths of my heart- those words are my truth.
I appreciate you.

Trees. Cows. Slippers. And Those No Longer Living.

I love trees. I don't think anyone knows this about me- that I have some strange fascination and attachment to trees. It sounds strange, I'm sure but really it's not. In America, Summer is my favorite season, but here I find myself in love with fall. It is somehow different here, than it is at home. Sure, leaves change color and fall from trees leaving leaves to crunch under your feet- in both places- but there is more to the Autumn experience than just that. And I guess I just like what the Czech Republic brings to the table at this time of year.

We went to go visit family in the country today, and while we were there we took a short walk. As we walked I found myself taking in the different shades of greens, reds, yellows, and oranges that the trees had to offer. There was this one tree in particular that caught my eye- that had turned to this shade of orange, that simply made me very happy. Yes, that's right, a tree made me happy.

It is strange to me how thought provoking a tree can be- I wish I could explain to you how many thoughts were prompted by the sight of that tree. I wish for just a moment that you could have been in my head- could have experienced what simply seeing a tree brought to thought in my head.
I'm probably strange- having thoughts provoked by a tree- but here is a picture of that tree in case it is able to do the same for you.




We kept walking until we reached this barn, which I walked into only to find some of the most massive cows I have ever seen in my life. And this one, well I swear it kept staring at me, so it went from strange to even stranger. Having thoughts provoked by trees to having weird bonding moments with cows. Perhaps all this time I have for thinking is causing me to lose my mind....




Upon leaving we hopped in the car and headed for another village to go place candles at the grave of my host mom's mother.

As soon as we arrived at the cemetery and emerged from the car my host mom's demeanor instantly changed. We walked to the grave that was beautifully decorated with wreaths and candles and added two candles- both of which my host mom lit. And as she returned to standing upright from lighting the candles she just sort of stood there- as though someone had punched her in the gut and she was still in shock. I wish I could depict her facial expression properly- explain the change that occured in her eyes- but I simply don't know how.

Yet watching the change occur in her right before my eyes, all I wanted to do was cry. In fact, I found myself blinking back to prevent big welts of water from forming in my eyes.

I really don't like cemeteries. I know that is probably assumed, although I know people that actually like going to them- I decided today that I really don't understand those people.
I don't like the sorrowful feeling that washes over me when I visit them- and for some reason I just feel wrong in being there to begin with, like I'm invading some sacred thing that I have no right to invade.

My host mom had given me the choice to stay home this morning. I'm really glad I didn't take that option.

We stopped at the store before we left this morning and my host mom comes out with a case of beer and this plastic bag. Upon getting in the car she turns in the front seat to face me in the back and hands me the bag saying "This is for you"
So I open the bag only to find these purple and pink dog slippers. haha. Let me explain.
Here, as in the Czech Republic, everyone wears like thes house slippers- they don't really just go around bare foot or in socks, they wear their slippers. So, today my host mom bought me a pair. I guess she thought I needed them.


And although they make me laugh and are not anything I would ever buy or wear- I'm wearing them proudly on my feet as I write this- because I feel like it was the final thing in my induction to the family.

Contemplate.Contemplation.Contemplating.

Do you ever find your thoughts on overload? To the point where you're sort of sick of yourself and could use a break?

Yeah me too.
Too bad I am the one person I'm stuck with for life- and on those days I just want to get away...well- I can't.

And I don't even want to get away because I don't like the thoughts that are bouncing around, but my head just needs a break- I think and ponder, and wonder and observe, and mutter by in a foreign language and try and pull meaning from conversations two months ago I would have totally been lost in- but can now often pick up the jist of what is being said. And at the end of every day- well I'm exhausted; mentally drained.

So let's take a look at these odd thought patterns of mine.
So today I was telling a story
and in telling the story I realized how the people listening to the story were probably judging the others involved in the story.
Which led to thoughts of how they were judging people they'd never met- and never would meet- and well, was that the impression I wanted to be giving them of those people?
Because in this case- the characters in my story- have absolutely no control of how they are judged...it all lies in my hands. But then I asked myself, well, since they will never know that they were judged...or how they were judged, does it really matter how I depict them?
And that got me thinking about how that really isn't fair. I know, I know, life isn't fair- which by the way is one of my least favorite things that people throw back at you when you complain about something being unfair, " Well, life's not fair" WELL, NO DUH. clearly we've figured that out by now.
Okay back to the thoughts at hand. How is it fair that I can sit and tell a story about people- which in turn provokes judgments from others that don't know them at all?
First of all- as I'm one person my version of the story is probably different than how anyone else would tell it- perhaps I'm not depicting it correclty, perhaps I'm being biased. But then I asked myself what is "depicting it correctly?"
And that's where thoughts of how we all have our own truth jumped on the band wagon- and caused my thoughts to once again branch off in several directions.
So in the end I finished telling my story- while watching those that had fallen victim to my running mouth- and let the judgment fall where it wanted. Where it fell, I have no idea- I didn't sit and ask them all about their judgments when I was finished- but it's normal for judgment to be made- it's how we, as humans work.

And it wasn't until after the story was all done and over with, and my thoughts had been taken elsewhere- that I realized that it was quite possible that I was judged while telling that story- that while I was wondering about the judgments of others- I too was probably being judged. But- there is a fine difference between the judgment that may have been placed on me- and that on the other characters in my story. They have me here- to watch and observe and talk to everyday- to judge everyday. The characters in my story, and any story I choose to tell while I'm here for that matter- they get judged based on how I want them to. All it requires is me bending my words a little this way, twisting them a little that way- and the judgment would change.

But do people really take the time to do that? I'm sure there are people somewhere in this world that do. I, however, am not one of them. I'm going to tell my story- the way in which I recall it happening. I'm going to share my truth. that's it.

The rest dealing with what the outsiders taking in the story choose to do with it- that's out of my hands.

Are you sick of my all across the board thoughts yet?
Good.
Me too.
and thats the sort of thing that plays out in my head all day long
everyday the thoughts take different routes, go down different roads- but don't worry they keep going...even when I'd like them to stop.
Like okay just for kicks I'll just show you where my thoughts went from there.
Generally it's an outside force- that sends my thoughts in a different direction sort of like the theory in physics "an object in motion will stay in motion until influenced by an outside force," I don't it's something along those lines.

So right after the story thoughts ended we went to lunch.
Now my friend and I had to sit at a table with this one boy from our class who I've only ever heard speak when the teachers call on him.
So we eat- he doesn't speak to either of us- we finish- we leave.
And as we are walking up the stairs my friend makes mention of the boy and how he never talks.
How they have been in the same class for seven years and he just doesn't talk, how they used to try to get conversation out of him, to include him but all they got out of him when trying to start up conversation were yes and no answers. The sure and fast conversation killers. seven years this boy has been around these people. seven years of lost conversation- a lot of talking can be done in seven years. Take me for example- do you know how many conversations I could have in seven years, how many stories I could hear- how many times I could be impacted? So many. And so then I became awfully curious- why has this boy chosen to isolate himself? I'm sure if you were to dig deep enough you could find the reasoning- because I'm sure there is some somewhere.
You see it's never ending. always thought. always about something else- something different- something entirely off the wall.

My Friday night proved to be interesting, as most nights here are. I was officially bought my first drink ever, by an Italian man. Yeah so my friend and I meet up before we are supposed to be meeting our other friends and end up at a pub- and there is this group of Italian men, and it was the one's birthday, and so after talking to him awhile he had drinks sent over to our table- and he came over and we said "nazdravi", the equivelant of cheers here, and yeah, it was just really weird. So last week we met British boys, this week it was Italian men, UMMMM where do CZECHS FIT IN HERE??? I am in the CZECH REPUBLIC right?

For anyone that hasn't heard, my ipod died. Which may not sound like such a big deal, except that when you don't have music you realize how dependant you are on it. My music is really important to me, living without it, is not something I enjoy doing, so it's a good thing that I'll soon have it back.

I've been pondering getting dreads while I'm here, don't worry no glue is involved so I won't have to shave my head to get rid of them. I also have this slight desire to get my tongue pierced, which is entirely out of character for me. But I figure that it's the best place to get a piercing as I can take it out and there will be no scar, no damage done- just a memory of some crazy whim I got while I was in Europe....I don't know, we'll see.

Off to go study Czech, I believe tonight I will work on trying to make some logical sense of these seven crazy cases they use....wish me luck.

And do me a favor
lay off on the thinking
I'm doing enough for you and me both
so just don't think too much today
it's exhausting...I promise.

tak....Cau

Psychology. Funky Dresses. Nucleur Power Plants.Math And other Random Information.

Psychology- I am rather excited to report that I am actually going to start learning in this class. Yesterday my teacher came up to me and told me that he was going to prepare material for me to read in English. I was thrown by the fact that my teacher even spoke English, because until yesterday he had never said a word to me. Well, I was really excited when he told me this as I'm currently thirsting for knowledge,I miss learning- I'm not going to lie. So then upon seeing my excitement he told me that if I wanted he could make me tests too. So natually, being the person that I am, I jumped at the offer. I will soon be gaining knowledge in an area I am very much interested in. So that is good.

Dresses- Well there is only one dress, and it is rather funky- but I pull it off so it's all good. I had an hour break between my classes yesterday-so I went shopping, and just happened upon this dress.




Nucleur Power Plants- I am going on a field trip to one on Friday, which is sort of a hard concept for me to wrap my head around- we don't take field trips to Nucleur Power Plants in America- they're dangerous. Anyways it should be intersting- but I won't be posting pictures because cameras are not allowed.

Math- I don't understand math, so I figured if I can't learn it- then I will document the teacher teaching so today in math this is what I did:






Oh and I forgot to share this very important picture from Prague with you:






I cracked so many joke about that sign- I do believe the people I was with got rather annoyed with me- but they were funny jokes- I promise.


That's it for today.

Sleepless in Prague

That is not just some catchy title, there really was no sleep involved in my trip to Prague, not even a couple hours, or a couple minutes. absolutely no sleep at all. And honestly I wouldn't have had it any other way.

Thurday morning I awoke at 4:30 a.m to get ready, as I needed to be at the train station by 6:30 a.m.

The 2 1/2 hour train ride went by rather quickly as we sat and filled the time with random conversation.

Upon arrival in Prague, we located our hostel, left our bags so we didn't have to carry them around and set out on our adventure.

We eventually located the metro line, which let me tell you is quite possibly the easiest thing to figure out. It has three lines, each of which is a different color. It is so much simpler than the New York subway system, but that's not New Yorks fault I suppose, since at one point there were three different companies operating it, and now it just operates as one. Anyways we were on the escalator going down to the metro and this lady says excuse me( in czech) so we move aside so she can get by.



Then we are waiting for our metro to come and we are speaking English and the lady is standing next to us and she goes, "Oh you speak English, I'm sorry, I spoke Czech to you." and we were like no, it's okay, we understood you. And she went on to ask us where we were from and then come to find out guess where she is from? Just guess.
Portland, Oregon. She has only lived in Prague for a year, and she is from Portland, Oregon and her sister lives in Camas. Now if that doesn't show you how small of a world it is, I don't know what does. There are a million people living in Prague, what were the chances of me running into someone from Portland? I found it awfully strange.

We set off shopping, which didn't go as smoothly as I'd hoped. I only managed to pick up a few things, a sweater, a shirt, and a pair of these boots that you would never believe that I wear. But I really like what I bought, so I guess that's good at least.




Those would be my new boots that I am in love with, don't worry they're coming back to America with me, and that colorful thing I'm wearing thats this new dress/shirt I bought.


We then went around Prague, met our friend that lives there on the Charles Bridge and then went off to dinner.

After dinner we walked around taking pictures ( feeling rather touristy which I didn't like at all)


and then we met up with other friends and went to Carlovy Lazne which is this amazing dance club...


the biggest in Centeral Europe as it claims. Okay so this is how it works: The dance club is flour floors. Each floor has a different atmosphere and a different type of music. There is a rap floor, an oldies floor, a techno floor, and so if you don't like what music is playing, you simply walk up or downstairs and find an alternate location. Then if at some point you need a break from dancing, there are also lounges on each floor that carry the same atmosphere as the dance floor on that level. We must have been there for about five hours, climbing up and down stairs to find the music we were in the mood for, it was so much fun.

It was rather funny because when we first got there, there were these two really attractive guys that my friend and I, kept eyeing...but then we stopped when we saw them dancing together....because, well,ummm guys don't just dance like that with eachother, I promise you. Yeah, and we kept seeing them throughout the night, and I'm pretty sure the more alcohol they consumed, the more into eachother they became.
And then at one point, we went up into one of the lounges, and the one guy was all over this girl- and we were like too bad we can't speak the language well enough, to be like, "Sweetheart he's already taken, and although in some cases that would seem like a small minor issue to deal with, he is taken by another man." But we couldn't say that, so we just sat back and watched the scene unfold.


Then for some reason all the guys we kept meeting spoke German, which was okay since Eleanor speaks German and got us through conversation, although it was frusturating not to be able to use my Czech language skills.

We left about 2 a.m. and made our way back to the hostel, and naturally we were going to go to bed- but the choice to go to the bathroom and brush our teeth brought about a new path to tread down.

So I'm in the bathroom ( a single stalled bathroom is all that was in the hostel) and my friend is waiting outside, and when I emerge she is talking to these two British boys, the one is drunk and hysterical and his friend who obviously had taken the roll of babysitter for the evening. So we stand there talking to them, and then more of their friends come out of their rooms and so we are standing in this hallway outside the bathrooms of this hostel in Prague talking to this school group of British boys about all sorts of different things, and before we know it the time is now 5 a.m., and I was awfully hungry as dinner had been hours ago, and breakfast was at 7 a.m so Julie, I and two of the British boys decided just to stay up, that at this point we really couldn't sleep. And so we stayed up and talked and talked and found out about the private school they attend and how it costs $20,000 a year. And now when anyone asks me what time it is, I will reply with "It's pims o'clock ( sp? sorry I'm not British). And since rotary allows you to travel when you have friends that live where you are going- well we now have friends in London, and so we have decided that at some point in our stay here in Czech Republic we are going to make our way to London, and the boys, well they've agreed to be our tour guides. So you meet people in a hostel, and then you travel to where they live and they show you around- I really do love the way life works out.

So we had breakfast, got dressed, checked out, went and enjoyed the morning in Prague, had an espresso, and then went off to catch our 1:15 p.m. train.

I dozed in and out on the train, but got no good restfull sleep, which was much needed. I got to my house at about 4:20 and needed to leave the house at 6:30 to go meet my friends to go to a concert. So I ate, I showered, I got ready, and I was off.

The concert was fun, I spoke a lot in Czech which was good, I think that it is progressing, that I'm starting to actually get somewhat decent- to a point where you can actually tell that I'm learing.

But it was about 11:15 that I just couldn't hack it anyomore, I was suddenly absoultely exhausted, and so I hopped the bus and came home- and went straight to bed. It was one of those nights where you don't remember anything after you laid your head on the fillow....I was out that fast.

And to think that it's only Saturday. Although I think I'm just hanging out at home today, perhaps studying some Czech, and just recovering from lack of sleep.

and so that was my sleepless experience in Prague, and I can see myself fitting in there. As much as I feel like I fit in New York, this place brought about that same sort of feeling, the same desire to be a part of what the place is about. Charles University....New York University.....right now I have absolutely no idea. But for right now, I am okay with that, I still have some time to figure it out.

I highly recommend that when you visit a new place
you should be sleepless your first night there.
see what the place can offer for all 24 hours of a day
experience. live. dance.
Because you can, and because the only thing you have to give up in order to do so, is sleep, which is a very small sacrifice when comparing all will gain.
And even when you are exhausted the next day, you won't regret your choice.
Instead you will constantly find random smiles speading across your face at the thoughts of all that you'd done the previous day.
And still two days later I keep having those random smile moments.
These are the things in my life that I will remember,
my sleepless night in Prague at 17- because that right now, just happens to be my life.

reporting to you live
from my bed
in my room
in my little house
on revolucni street
in an area called Roznov
that just happens to be in Ceske Budejovice, Czech Republic

Realizations. Trains. Hostels. Concerts. Plays.

Today I realized something about Damien Rice.
He is an all purpose artist.
Let me explain.
Damien Rice music fits, I've found, in several different locations.
It can be listened to when sad, when angry, and when you are extremely happy
it can be pouring down rain, the sun can be shining, or you can be in bed with covers pulled tight.
His music will resonate through your ears in New York, you'll catch yourself singing along while in your car in Washington, and you can be standing in the Czech Republic under an umbrella in the pouring rain and the sound of his voice fits too.
It can awaken the soul, but it is also capable of pulling you into deep sleep.
It can bring back old memories- remind you of life in the moment- or cause you to think of what the future may bring.
His music is timeless. the words he utters, the emotion that seeths from him- is not something that will grow old and fade away. He sings of things that have always existed; things that will always exist.
What he as an artist is able to feed us, as his audience fulfills the soul and the different compartments it consists of- he attacks the whole soul instead of only just a part of it, and I believe that is what sets him apart.
And in realizing this, I was satsified with the knowledge that I had seen him live in concert- that I had experienced the soul consuming experience that Damien Rice has to offer.

So i decided that when I write my book- it will encompass the souls of the readers, consume their souls, and like Damien Rice, not just a part of it, but the soul in its entirety. Because it is through encompassing the soul that you are able to make a true impact. And so that is what I will do, and you better brace yourself for one hell of a book.

Today was a productive day, I sat plans in motion, plans that I am awfully excited about.
We have a four day weekend this week, because I don't know, we just have a holiday.
So Thursday morning at 6:54 a.m. I will be on a train to Prague along with two other girls, I will spend the day shopping for the "Keep Tahani Warm Foundation" and then I will head back to our hostel, change into a "going out" outfit, and head out for a night in Prague. My one friend is going with her family and they are staying with family friends- and the daughter knows all the good places to go, so we are meeting up with them. That way we don't end up at all the touristy places. We will then spend the majority of Friday seeing the sights of Prague and then will head home.

Friday night I am going to a concert with friends, and the boy I sit next to in class in the band, I guess. So we'll meet up and off to Marty's Club we will go.

and then there is still Saturday and Sunday and I'm not sure what I'm doing yet, most of my friends are gone for the holiday.

But then the 22nd I'm going to a Czech play with my friends which I'm rather excited about. It is a Czech comedy about a man that wants to get with all 7 of these sisters, and at the end they all end up pregnant- yeah, it should be interesting- especially since I don't speak the language, but I'm actually really looking forward to it.

Have a good rest of the week
and an amazing weekend
surround yourself with people you enjoy
people you love,
people you don't get to spend enough time with,
you'll be glad you did.

tak...Ahoj

A writer and her story...

So I'm going to share a story with you, one that I suppose could be considered a personal story- and it might just make your heart skip a beat, although I suppose it depends on who you are, and what your heart skips beats for.

I thought a lot about whether this was even an appropriate thing to share with you. What is too much for a writer to share with her audience? Where is the line between what is acceptable and what is not, drawn?

And then I realized that I get to draw that line. I get to decide. And so as a writer I am simply sharing a story, and whether or not you choose to read it- that is where you get to make a choice.


Friday night turned out to be filled with unexpcted occurences that flowed through time one after the other, catching me off guard- and leaving me in awe.

I went to a birthday celebration with one of my friends.
We all met up at the hotel room where most of the invited guests were spending the night although not my friend and I, her parents came and picked us up at 2 a.m.

So we arrive and I am speaking only in Czech, and so I'm not really saying much as my Czech remains rather limited. And at one point one of the boys asks in Czech, " So where is this American that is supposed to be coming?" and I laughed as I had understood and I said, "Jsem tady" ( I'm here). Which threw him and caused us to get quite a laugh.

So then we made our way to the pub, and upon leaving we walk outside and it is snowing, and snowing rather hard. Never have I known snow in October. So this boy, mentioned earlier, he wants me to walk with him. But I tell him, I'm sorry but I can't I have to stay with my friend because she has an umbrella( yes, I was willing to give up walking in the snow with a Czech boy to stay under the protection of an umbrella- I'm very girly OKAY gosh)

And so this is how he solved that problem...

One of the other boys in our group had an umbrella, so he walked right over to him took it from him, walked back over to me, took my hand and off we went.
And then after awhile it became apparent that a kiss was coming, although it was one of those times when you arn't quite sure when exactly it's going to happen.

So I turn around to see if the rest of the group was following, and upon turning back around, he was looking down at me--we made intense eye contact--and then he leaned in...

And so there I stood under an umbrella with snow falling all around in a village in the Czech Republic on a cobblestone street wearing black pumps and holding hands while making out with a Czech boy.

And then we continue on our way talking, I, in broken Czech, him in very broken English and mostly I was laughing because I either wasn't understanding what he was saying, or he didn't understand my Czech- although we got a lot further in conversation than one would think- it was no easy feat, but it was manageable.

We finally arrive at the disco and I go off to dance ( weird right? Because since when do I dance??? I guess since now) and he goes to sit down. So my friend goes over to him and tells him to come dance, but he claims he "doesn't dance" and so she comes back and says simply, "Tahani, go for him"
and I was like ummm....When in Czech....right?
So I allow my feet to carry me over to where he is sitting and I ask him to come dance(in Czech) and he still says no.
So I was like okay Tahani, what are you going to do?
and then I had an epiphany and realized that I was a girl and that I could quite possibly use that to my advantage.
And so as plain as day I pulled his head towards mine, and started intensely making out with him, mind you, not for long, just long enough so that when I finally pulled away he followed me to the dance floor.
And so we danced.
and at the end of the night we exchanged numbers- so we'll see if life will make anything of that- if not, well, it was quite the evening.

Although I have to tell you I am still wondering where this girl from Friday night came from and why she decided to make an appearance now- but I'm awfully glad she did. And I believe I will get more aquainted with her as time goes on- I don't believe she is going anywhere; I think she is here to stay.

So I went to bed at 4 and awoke at 8, as my friend lives in another village and her parents were coming into my town so I caught a ride with them. I'm sure glad I did otherwise I would have had to be at the bus station very early to catch the 7:30 bus.

So i was thoroughly exhausted yesterday and I got home and visited my host parents and tried to stay awake, but naturally my exhaustion took over and I went and fell asleep.

I then awoke craving chocolate, and my host mom doesn't keep it in the house as she claims "it's thirty seconds in the mouth and ten years in the ass" which just makes me laugh, so I went downstairs and told her in czech that I was craving chocolate and would it be okay if I went and bought some. Naturally she said yes and so I headed for the bus stop and rode to the grocery store.

I bought myself chocolate and my host mom whole nut chocolate as I know she likes it, and as you know I'm all about small gestures, and I also bought a box of Orange Jaipur tea, because we had run out and it's my favorite. Little did I know how big of a deal it was that I bought the tea...just wait I'll get to that.

So I get home and give my host mom her chocolate which she is surprised by and she thanks me, but claims that it's very dangerous for her to have.

and then I unwrapped the box of Orange Jaipur tea bags and placed it in the cupboard with the rest of tea- and it was one of those moments where I was like "WOW" this really has become my home- I feel settled- a part of the family- familiar.

And although I have felt like this for quite sometime- it was buying that box of tea bags and placing it in the cupboard that reaffirmed that, for me.

And as I sit here this morning drinking my Orange Jaipur tea- from the tea bag that I pulled from the cupboard- from the box that I bought and placed there last night- I am at home.

And In this place I have become aquainted with myself in a way I never have before,
and although I believe I have been confident for quite sometime- I'm confident here but in a way I've never known.
I'm confident and edgey and content.

So my name is Tahani and I do belive I am on the right path to figuring out who I am,
and you just happen to get the opportunity to to watch as I do so. Although it doesn't matter if this writer has an audience or not, she will share her story. Why?
Because she can.

So thank you to each and every person that has walked into my life, that I have ever exchanged words with, if only for five minutes- because I walked away after that five minutes with something I hadn't had five minutes earlier.
Thank you- for giving me conversations I wouldn't have had otherwise, creating lasting memories with me, teaching me lessons, staying awake for 40 something hours straight, Thank you.
Because that person that writes is a product of what you have given, I have been shaped and molded from my experiences with all of you.

And to MY BEST FRIEND- you know who you are. We have been together forever- always has been the two of us- always will be. Thank you for believing in me, all those times when I didn't believe in myself- because I finally do- and you helped get me to this place. "You find out who your friends are, somebodies gonna drop everything, run out and crank up their car, hit the gas, get there fast, never stop to think whats in it for me or it's too far." You are that friend for me, and I for you. always. and because of you I have "No Reins". My love is unconditional and I hope you know how much I appreciate you, because even as a writer I can't seem to find the proper words. And I hope you realize how EXTRAORDINARY you are, and how you have an impact on people- how you have an impact on me. I am who I am, because of you.
So thank you for holding my hand for all those years, and thank you for being able to let go for a short while. JYAMM- always, always, always.

Tahani
as Alanis sings, I'm green but I'm wise
and as Jason Mraz likes to remind me,
my name is my virtue.
and just remember:
We're All in this Together