Holiday Break...and this thing we call Christmas

I have so much going around in my head, so much I want to share- I just wish you all had your own plug and could simply use a converter to tap into my outlet and access my thoughts. Yet, unfortunately converters in the sense of plugs only work with things like blow dryers and other such items, although a lot of the time people end up blowing them up anyways. And we wouldn't want to go blowing any of you up, now would we?

So that leaves me to simply divulge the contents of what's all in my head, to take words and weave them together to create a picture of whats going on in my head as well as in my life. And despite my best efforts my thoughts may end up all across the board- but that's just how it comes out sometimes- and that I'm learning is quite alright.

Because things don't always have to be structured and mapped out. Maps are capable of showing you your present location- and they have the ability to show you where you're going- but they can't tell you what all you're going to find when you get there. If you don't know what you will find, have not the slightest clue, that doesn't make you bad or unprepared- it simply makes you human. I used to thrive on structure and plans, I was comfortable with them, but now too much of either causes me to feel as though I'm being suffocated, stiffled. Yes strucutre and plans belong in some places, yet not in others.

I used to place myself in a box of structure- and when choices I made or actions I carried out, fell outside of that box, in my eyes I had failed. I had let people down. Yet it is now that I am able to see, that in straying from my box of strucutre I wasn't letting anyone down- I just had convinced myself I was. I was being harder on myself and placing more judgement on myself than anyone else was.

In regards to that, I see change in myself. I step out of that box of structure I created for myself and I don't beat myself up for doing so. Life is about trial and error, and error shows up quite frequently- I was going to wear myself down if I was so judgemental of myself everytime my trial turned into error. I am growing up, and from here on out my errors will get more complex, it will take more to fix them, reverse them, repair them. But that is okay- these things are what life consists of- they're inevitable, so you might as well learn to deal with them- allow yourself to acknowledge that failure in any area of your life is normal. And ask yourself, "Is it really failure if you learn from it?"

Failure is defined as "a lack of success or adequacy" Yet, isn't that all relative? Success in who's eyes? adequate to whom? Success has come out of a lot of things that I could consider failures, I've learned many things about myself through failure, grown, revised and redited aspects of myself. Failure is a teacher we have been taught to be afraid of, when in truth its the best teacher we will ever have.

Moving swiftly along, let me depict my last week for you- a really good week, filled with various different emotions- highs, lows, and every level inbetween.

Friday- I was simply in a funk that morning, kind of out of it, letting loneliness creep in my thoughts. So i got up, got ready, rode the bus to school, and it really didn't take too long for my funk to end.

As soon as I walk into the classroom my friends call to me " Pod sem!... Pod sem!"
(Come here! Come here!) So i go over and are handed Christmas cards, and then my one friend hands me this envelope, which I tear open only to find this photo collage of all of us friends, with PF written in the middle which is french, and means to congratulate- and is what they send off for good wishes for the new year. And I was happy, and overwhelmed, and I had to hold back tears. My friends here continue to amaze me- continue to blow me away, to do the unexpected.


*This is the picture collage, that almost made me cry*


*and these would be my friends*





During class my friend Lucie, told me that her grandmother had died the previous day, and that she needed a black coat to wear, and it would it be possible for her to borrow my black pea coat I always wear. Of course it was no problem. So after school we went out for coffee with friends and visited about various things, and then Lucie came home with me.

We arrived at my house and I told her she could come in, but she insisted it was okay, she didn't need to, that I could just grab the coat, she didn't want to be a bother. You, see, she knows that it's not my house, and that my host mom was home, and she didn't want to make it awkward for me. I kept insisting she could come in, but she wouldn't hear of it, and I just found that awfully thoughtful of her.

After I grabbed the coat we went back to Lucies house for awhile, and then went and ran errands together, and then I went home.

The afternoon hadn't consisted of anything extremely exciting, but it had been a really good and fullfilling day for me.

Then that night I met up with my friends around 7, and we eventually made our way to a disco and all went dancing, and I got home about 1:15 a.m.

So Friday was a perfect start to break.

And then there is Saturday, and when I break it down Saturday kind of freaks me out. Was quite possibly one of the most obvious "sliding doors" experiences- or at least one of the one's that you actually notice. ( * sliding doors refers to the concept that if one event is slightly altered, for example you miss the train, or you manage to get on it- that one choice will change everything that is to follow)

So Saturday I met up with Julie, one of the other exchange students here, who is from Canada, because we have taken to hanging out when our Czech friends are unavailable, which is quite often.

We meet up, and I decide that I am hungry, so there is this small food court and we decide that pizza sounds good, so we get in line, but when it's our turn we are told that they are all out of pizza.

So then we decide we will go to this other mall (if you can call it that) and eat in that food court, because they too have pizza.

So we get on the bus and we are going along, when we pass McDonalds, and Julie goes jokingly "well, we could always go to Mcdonalds." and I was like, "you know, for some strange reason that actually sounds good to me."

So we made our way off the bus, walked to Mcdonalds, ordered and sat down to eat. And as we are eating I look down and see an add for the movie P.S. I Love You. And I was like " Oh my gosh, this is playing here already?!" ( because for example we didnt get Knocked up here until October) So Julie goes, " Well you want to go see it tonight?" and of course I answered yes.

So we went to the movies, and it was in English and I was so excited, you really don't understand the worth of a movie in english until you live in a place where thats not so often.

The movie was amazing, and touched me in ways it probably didn't touch others. I found myself laughing hysterically one moment, and crying like a big baby the next. The movie consisted of love, loss, relationships, moving on. There was so much in that two hours that toyed with my emotions, and when i walked out of the theater I was still crying...I couldn't stop. And then I started laughing, because when I walked out of the theater with tears running down my face, I got some of the strangest looks from Czech men who had emerged from the movie with their significant other.

And after seeing that movie, I decide my mom needed to also. So i sent her an e-mail, with an attachment, that she was not to read, but to print and keep safely in her purse, until she was waiting for the movie to begin. Because I knew the movie would touch her, in the same way it touched me.

Also, when I got home I told my host parents that I would watch my little host sister, and that they needed to go see the movie also.

Now let's back up a moment shall we- to go through how this was a sliding doors experience.

There had to be no pizza at the first place we tried to eat, because had there been- we would have eaten, and probably would have not aquired knowledge that the movie was playing.


Now you can think I'm crazy, that I've completely lost my mind- but in that playing out I was able to touch my mom- to give her something I wouldn't have had to give her otherwise.

The whole lack of pizza- changed everything.

And that is why this life thing is so complex, and no one can figure it out, because a lack of pizza would generally be overlooked as an insignificant detail- but it turns out it was rather significant.

Sunday- was not very eventful- hung out at home- but then Lucie came over to give me back my coat.
I told her that it wasn't a big deal, that she didn't have to worry about getting it back to me, but she was all worried about it.
So she comes over and calls me from outside the gate to my house, so I go meet her and she hands me this bag- so I take it, assuming that just my coat is in it.
So we talk for awhile, and then I go back inside and take out my coat- but that is not all that's there.
There is also a box of chocolate ( which I shamefully have consumed all by myself)
and a book, "Happiness Is" ( but in czech of course). And once again I was blown away, by the things my friends are doing for me- they've known me three months- and they do for me, as though they've known me much longer.

And then, I had a moment where I just lost it, and I couldn't stop crying. Deep heaving sobs, because I don't want to have to leave all of this behind. Because I was aware that leaving is something very real, and that the longer I'm here, the more attached I will get. But then I started writing, and basically wrote myself through my meltdown...concluding that perhaps these people were only supposed to come into my life for a short while to be amazing friends, and teach me lessons about life, and myself, that I will forever carry with me. So when I leave, I won't have them physically with me, but they will always be a part of me, for what they added to my life when I was around.

And now we finally find ourselves at Monday- Christmas Eve,
which is when everything is carried out here anyways, the dinner, the gift opening.
Christmas Eve is also when the tree goes up.
And at some point I had gone upstairs for awhile, and when I came back down there was the tree- lit and decorated, and my house looked like something from a movie, if you don't believe me, just see for yourself:







*these stairs, by the way, I've fallen down twice- it's painful, I don't recommend it*




Dinner consisted of Carp (Kapr) soup, fried Carp, as well as potato salad.
The soup was really good, and thankfully host dad didn't inform me until I had finished it- that it was really important to only use the head of the fish for the soup for it to turn out right. ha.
And the Carp was good as well, but this is how dinner felt to me. It felt as though I had brought a summer picnic to Decemeber, with the potato salad, and like I'd decided to venture over to the coast for some fish and chips. It was a strange combination, but it was good- and I suppose that's what matters.

Gift opening was fun, as we have a little one, my youngest host sister is two, and it's been a long time since I've done Christmas with a little one. It is quite exciting to sit back and watch the excitement, the wonder, and innocence shine through on their faces.

Host Dad got host mom a grammaphone, which was really neat, although she couldn't stop laughing, because something is wrong with it and when it plays it sounds like something is dying.



Tuesday- Christmas
It just didn't feel like Christmas, it did not feel as though I was celebrating my
18th Christmas, but instead like I was celebrating some Holiday I've never known before. I guess, in a sense, I was. This was Christmas, unlike I have ever known it.

We drove out into the country to visit family, and although there wasn't a ton of snow on the ground, it was lightly dusted, and I had my white Christmas after all.
We sat around eating, and visiting, laughing.
and at one point we went for a walk, across this big open snow dusted field- and I was just happy, I had nothing to complain about- I was living, breathing, and it was Christmas.








Yesterday the Candadian exchange students friend, showed up to visit her. Her dad is a pilot, so getting here was free, and no problem. And I had asked if she could bring me one thing.
A book entitled "Blue Like Jazz" (yes I am aware that book titles are supposed to be underlined and not put in parenthesis, although this thing does not allow you to underline things, thus parethesis have been substituted for underlining)by Donald Miller, who happens to be from Portland.
The book is nonreligious thoughts on the Christian spirituality, which you are probably thinking is a strange thing for me to read, since I'm not really religious.
But that doesn't matter with this book, it is simply a really good book.
I read it for the first time this summer, before I left, I actually read it a couple of times this summer.
And there are several occasions since being here when I have simply wanted to pick that book up and read it, so when the friend was coming, that is what i asked for.

I picked it up, and began to read it last night, and the book is still good, still the same book, yet it's not quite as good as I recall it being. The book has not changed, it still holds the same words it did this summer, so the logical explanation would be that I have somehow changed, or shifted. Which is simply a strange thought- that a book can show you how you've altered. Because it is not as though I sit hear constantly aware of the ways in which I'm changing- I don't think most of it will hit me until I come home. But that book- it caught me off guard, that's all.

I hope everyone had a good Christmas,
whatever it is you ended up doing- I hope you made the best out of it
that you cherised the moments with that crazy family of yours
that you laughed at all the mishaps
that you remebered that it's the thought that counts
and gave- because you wanted to, and not because you felt you had to.

New Years is coming and I'm rather excited,
not because it's the start of something new and a list of resolutions- because I don't need to start over just yet, and I set my resolutions when I feel it's right, not when the Calendar turns back to one.
Yet I'm excited to start 2008 in an entirely new place, with friends that I aquired near the end of 2007.
It may be the end of the year- but something else is getting started- 2008, and it will be whatever you choose to make it.
YOU CHOOSE.
You've got to stop pointing fingers, as to why life isn't what you want it to be.
Look in that mirror, and realize, that regardless of how many people you have in your life, REALIZE that that person looking back at you is the one person you've always got. They arn't going anywhere.

So make 2008 "YOUR YEAR"
Live life, get what you can out of it
because things arn't just going to happen- you're going to have to go after what you want...but I'll tell you a secret...
it's worth it.

So here is to a year of self discovery,
of new things,
of LIVING, LAUGHING, and LOVING
make it what you want. But make it something.