The Inner Workings In The Mind Of A 17 Year Old Girl

It is strange how some realizations come about, or perhaps where they choose to come about. I ride the bus everyday, several times a day- and on this particular Wednesday afternoon- when I was heading towards the square- away from home- a certain realization decided to breakthrough.

For seventeen years, I have felt loved, and have been surrounded by those that love me. Right now- at this point in my life- love is not such an ever present thing- it's not lurking right around the corner, it currently lies in a land far far away. I am loved, I know this- that is not the issue. It is just not having that love constantly around you that causes loneliness to come knocking on your door, and sometimes when loneliness knocks, you unfortunately answer.

But it's okay, because sometimes loneliness can be quite a positive thing, which I've recently learned since being here. Sometimes it causes you to sit back and revaluate things, gain knew perspectives, decide what truly is important as well as who and what matters to you.

my heart, I also believe, is sick. sick. and hurting, bitter, resentful, distanced, guarded, neutral. Never before in my life has the phrase "out of sight out of mind" rang so true, never have I felt like a victim of that short string of words,that is, until now.
"How are you?" or "How's Life?" are things I haven't heard from anyone in a very very long time.
out of sight, out of mind.
It simply causes a melancholy feeling, an unexplainable ache.
People have dismissed my existence because I am across an ocean.
I guess I underestimated the power of the Atlantic.

And things on this side of the Atlantic as far as Americans go- are pulling on my heart strings as well.
Words can be quite powerful, this I'm sure you know, and I am a frequent participater of placing words down on paper, of formulating strings of words, that in turn form sentences, that make up this piece of me I've created.
Since words are something I enjoy so much- I think that may possibly be why I take them very personally.
I was recently informed that the mass majority of the other exchange students do not like me at all and have said things to the effect of "She is a typical American Girl and should not be here."
They also created a club of which I am the only member, as the person they would push in front of a moving bus.

Now that sounds like a really mature thing to say, I know.
And I'm at an age where statements like that should be able to be brushed off easily- but really is there an age for that? Do things like that ever stop getting to you?
I am trying to let it not bother me. trying would be the operative word. Because as much as I would like to sit here and say that those words arn't getting to me at all- I would be lying to myself.
I shouldn't be here?
those are some rather strong words- quite possibly one of the most offensive things that could have been said.
I realize people arn't always going to like you, it's just how life works- but having the mass majority of a group of 24 dislike you, when they are the only other people here going through what you are you just feel sort of hurt.
All I did was be myself,
and apparently myself was something most of them don't care for.

But I'm still confused as to why I am letting this get to me so much, because the truth is I don't really enjoy spending time with most of them anyway. The exchange student get togethers are all about who wants who, and who is going to "hook up" with who, as well as getting drunk.
First of all, if I was going to "hook up" with anyone while here, it would not be anyone from the North American continent, it would be a Czech- I am in Czech, Americans are waiting back at home.
And getting drunk I would prefer to do with Czechs as well, because drinking with Czechs is quite different than drinking with Americans.
So I don't really mesh with them either- but I don't sit around claiming that they don't belong here, that they shouldn't be here.
These are the times when I am so very aware of my age, when I feel like seventeen is compatable with age five and I'm running home to tell mom, " She said we wern't best friends anymore!"
I just feel with my new found self suffienct life style- I should be able to rise above words- let them go, but then again I'm only human.

Now on a happier note
my czech friends are truly making my experience here amazing
their care and concern
the way they enjoy my company and I enjoy theirs
the way we tease and laugh and joke together
I've only known them about three months,
and yet I feel like I've known them for so much longer
I am invested- and sometimes when I think of what they've given me
I get teary eyed
because I realize that just as I came and jumped in
I will have to eventually leave and jump out
but I mostly don't think about that
I just sit back and enjoy the time,
cherish the memories,
because things come and go in life
and you can't enjoy them if all you do is sit and worry about when they're going to go.

Oh and it always catches me off guard when things come about in times when they are most needed. I was browsing through my saved documents today, opening one’s with random titles, seeing what was there to be found. And I came across something that I think I needed to read, something that caused the step in my bounce to be just a bit lighter.

What I found was a piece of writing I’d written after being out one night with a couple of friends back home. At three a.m. we had loaded Grant’s guitar into the trunk of his car and he, Allie, and I- headed to a spot along the river, and he played and sang, and it was just one of those nights that stick with you. But as what generally occurs I had gone and forgotten about that night- about my thoughts and feelings that night, until I read my account of the evening, which I’d written to remind myself of the time when days, months, and years had passed and that night had been long forgotten. And so here it was today reminding me-
And I just thought I’d share it with you- perhaps there is something for others to gain from it as well...

March 24, 2007
"Tonight was simply one of those nights that don't happen on purpose, one of those nights where you follow where you are lead, one of those nights that will stick with a girl when she is off in the middle of the Czech Republic all by herself, without these friends, without the familiar surroundings. With all those things gone, she will still have that memory, I will still have that to hold onto, if nothing else. I don't even know where to start. Should I begin with the water? The calm and copacetic water, that had initially been dead and still when we arrived, and as the songs played, the melody and harmony filling the air, with nothing to catch the sound, the water picked up, the ripples across it became more frequent, the movement more aggressive as though our presence made an impact on how the water went about its business. I sat there, the strumming of the guitar vibrating in my eardrums, as Grant's voice broke through, and just watched, took it all in. At one point is was as though there was no music, I was so drawn in by the constant flow of ripples that moved back and forth... back and forth..., they sucked me in, grabbed and held my attention, placed me in some sort of trance. And then there was the bridge. The same bridge I have seen and gone over dozens and dozens of times, but for once, I actually saw it, the detail, what it truly is. I counted...one...two...three....and finally a total of six arches that I could see from where I sat. Occasionally, there would be fragments of time in which no cars would cross, and it seemed as though everything had stopped, except the three of us, as though through some unexplainable reason, the music created life, was the force that kept bringing the cars over the bridge, a welcoming, that those cars had no idea they were receiving. The log in which we sat, I suppose was just a log, it could have been any log, but tonight it was our log. It had the perfect little wedge in which I swung one of my legs over, and although I was not always conscious of it, my feet never stopped moving, perhaps because the music was calling to them, because to be still would be an insult to music itself. These nights, these times, are what I need to keep me going next year, points in which forgetting the surrounding takes away from the meaning and significance that it holds. If I can't remember what my room looks like, where exactly my bed is positioned, it will be okay, as long as I can hold this night within my head, as long as out of all the pictures that don't last, that these one's do."

I don't know, it just reminded me of where I was at mentally in March, where I am now, and just the shifts and changes that have occured since then. A lot has happened in life since March- and it all has been good stuff, even now looking back the hard things have toughened me up, I gained something from them, so I can't really complain.

Which in turn reminded me of how at this time of year it is common for people to send out Christmas cards with letters included telling all about how the past year has been for them- although what it truly is, is a masked and sugar coated version of what their year was like- they arn't real. Sure you can have really good years- but life is anything but flawless, there are always going to be bumps in the road, obstacles- but never before have I read about those in anyones Christmas letters.
So I am going to recap my year- honestly- because everyone knows life is all over the place.

This past year has consisted of heart break, realizing what is important, rebuilding relationships, and learning a lot of lessons.

My heart was invested in a person more than it ever has been, only to be mangaled and handed back to me- but I would do it all over again, because despite the fact that at the time it wasn't fun going through it- I came out realizing a lot about who I could choose to become, and who I want to be. I had settled for treatment I was unworthy of, that anyone would have been unworthy of. But I learned.

My mom and I started the year off more distanced than we had ever been, and I started the year with the attitude that, that wasn't going to change. I put up a wall and had convinced myself that there was no getting in. Fortunately, a lot of pivotal moments occured in our relationship, and my wall came down- THANK GOD. And right before I left we were closer than I think we have ever been. My mom is one amazing lady, and everytime I talk about her here, people go, " Wow your mom sounds amazing." and I just smile that crooked smile of mine that she loves so much, and say, "Yeah, she is."

I left my whole world behind- and took on the endevour of building a new one.
I learned the meaning of self sufficient
I learned that sometimes you've only got yourself to lean on
I finally understood what people meant when they talked about loneliness
and learned that I'm capable of confrontation although it makes me what to curl up in a ball and just roll away
I got the most painful ulcer on my leg- and it was nasty, so nasty
I decided that I want children, when before that was not even an option, they were out of the question.
I learned that changing your mind about things is perfectly alright, and that sometimes life isn't going to end up how you've planned- things change- you change.
It is okay to have no idea what you are doing...there can't always be a plan.

This past year, the whole year- consisted of a lot of learning. I learned tough lessons, I shed a lot of tears, had more than enough laughs, never enough sleep, bad fights, late nights, and lots of coffee and tea.

It wasn't flawless, in fact it was flawfull ( no that is not a word, but I'm using it anyway)but hey, that's life.

New Years is coming,
naturally after Christmas as it does every year-
and don't get me wrong it's a fun holiday
but I don't quite like it's meaning, what it stands for
generally if people are going to make new starts
they do so starting January 1st,
but why can't they do it on June 6th
or March 7th ?
You can have a new years whenever you want, you could start tomorrow,
New Years is just society pushing you to have a new start,
I'd rather have a new start when I'm ready- and maybe on the first I won't be ready,
so I won't make empty promises to myself- if I don't need a new start- a new year.
Make resolutions when you're up for it- that way you follow through.

I'm sorry if this has been the most all across the board entry, but that's how my thoughts seem to unravel these days.
Enjoy the holidays,
spend time with those that matter,
and if the holiday happens to be spent with crazy family members
and is all disfunctional
and stresses you out
just do me one favor,
take it all in
and remember...

"WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER"