Well before we get to Thanksgiving Thursday- let's touch on Monday, shall we?
I pierced my tongue Monday,
I really cannot believe that I was actually able to go through with it, especially since I watched my friend go first.
Don't worry I captured the event on video- although due to my rule about not showing pictures of myself while I'm here it will be awhile until it is available for your viewing pleasure.
Now...Thanksgiving. Well, it didn't feel like Thanksgiving at all- yet throughout the day I couldn't help but thinking of all I had in my life to be thankful for, and although I didn't have a traditional Thanksgiving- I managed to have a really good evening. I went to my first Czech play with all of my friends, and well the story of the show was rather self explanatory so it didn't matter that I was unable to understand the mass majority of the show- I was in the company of people I am thankful to have in my life- laughing and enjoying life. Afterwards we went to a pub and just sat around visiting. So there was no turkey, no mashed potatoes, no five cup salad or pumpkin pie- but it was Thanksgiving, and I was thankful and exactly where I was supposed to be.
And then came Friday night.
So Friday night I was supposed to meet Julie( the Canadian exchange student) in the square, but my bus had been late so I was running a few minutes late and I get a call from her. And she was slightly freaking out on the phone although I didn't know why and so I tell her that I'm on my way, that I'll hurry. When I get off my bus I half sprint/run/jog from the bus stop to the square- because Julie isn't one to freak out so I figured something must be wrong.
I get there and she is all shooken up- she had been waiting for me in the square when this man about mid fourty's approaches her and starts speaking in czech, and THANK GOD she can understand some czech and didn't just smile and nod, because the man asks her if she wants to have sex- and she tells him no, and then he asks her to go to get a bite to eat with him or to go get something to drink and she says no and she goes to walk away and he grabs her arm- and then tries to kiss her- at which point she like yanks herself away- but he manages to grab her hand and kiss it- then she ran away and called me.
So Julie was hungry so we went and got her something to eat and then went back to the square- AND CREEPY McCreepster was still there, but away from us- and there were people all around- and so we sat ourselves on a bench, and really I just wanted to go up to that man and deck him- but I didn't. But, just wait. I think what i did was better.
So we are sitting there and Mr. Creep approaches another girl and starts talking to her and I was like UMMMM I DONT THINK SO....not again. So Julie and I realize that we have the power to save her. So we walk up to the man and girl and I say to the girl Prosim (excuse me) but then I started speaking in English- because the man didnt speak english so I figured it would probably be best if he couldn't understand what I was saying. So I ask the girl to come with me- and she looks confused- but I think that was because her english was very poor- but she says okay and we walk away from creepy. So Julie and I try to explain to the girl about the man- but her english was bad, but at the end I think she understood that he was bad and that we had helped her- so she thanked us and then we left- because we figured CREEPY probably wasn't very happy with us.
But I was just glad we had saved the girl from that man. It was sort of strange because approaching him with that girl I wasn't afraid- If anything I was just sickened at what he was doing- and there were people all around so I knew that if he tried anything funny all I had to do was scream and everyone would turn and look.
And it was this situation that reaffirmed the fact that my mom knows how to raise children, as I'm not the type to sit back and let things happen when I'm perfectly capable of stopping them. In going and stopping him from preying upon that girl I wasn't gaining anything- I wasn't doing it for me. I could have stayed on that bench. But something in me- made me get up off that bench, march across that square- and remove the girl from the unpleasant situation- and I believe that "something" was instilled in me by my mom.
So I'm awfully thankful for that mom of mine, and I'm sure the girl would be thankful too- because it was through my mom instilling things in me- that I was able to act in that situation- to help her, so indirectly my mom helped her too. And you see this is how it all goes back to "We're All In This Together"
because even though my mom wasn't there- and she didn't stop the situation- it is because things I've learned from her that I was able to do so, Don't you see? we really are "All In This Together"
switching gears...I feel like an orphan. I'm living in a foreign country at seventeen without parents. I'm sure that sounds great, huh?
I miss someone asking where I've been and who I've been with- what I've been doing.
I miss someone asking about my day and what it consisted of- I miss advice, lectures, and being told that I've royally screwed up, that I'm in the wrong.
I ask for nothing. I'm given a shower, a bed, and food- beyond that I'm really on my own.
And when I ask for the smallest of favors it apparently is too much to ask. My mom sent me a package and it is supposed to arrive any day now, but when it arrives I have to pay custom fees on it. So I informed host mom about this and told her that I'd leave money on the counter the next morning before I went to school in case it showed up when I was at school.
I assumed this would be no problem- host mom doesn't work- she is home everyday, it wouldn't be a big deal for her to pay for my package right?
Wrong.
She came back with " I think it would be better if you go and pick it up at the post, when the post women comes I will just not take the package and so she will give me a slip and you can go and pick it up at the post."
she added that she doesn't like dealing with other people's money.
So because host mom is "uncomfortable" dealing with my money I will have to probably end up going to a post office- and as far as its location I have absolutely no idea- to ask for my package in a language that I don't speak...
simply because she can't pay for my package when it's delivered at the door.
Now don't worry being the optimist that I am, I've taken to looking at this as yet another learning experience- taking on foreign post,
but that doesn't mean that I'm not still annoyed- that the one small favor I ask, is just too much. I simply don't understand. Oh, well. Czech Post Office...HERE I COME.
The whole growing up process has been pushed forward it seems, and is being carried out at an abnormally rapid speed...strange how circumstance can do that.
circumstance it seems changes a lot of things.
alright off to go Czech homework that I've been putting off
as well as to put together a presentation about the political system in the U.S.- haha good thing I took AP U.S. History last year.
Hope that Thanksgiving was good for those of you celebrating back in America,
Christmas is coming and rather soon...brace yourself.
Mit Dobry Den
Cau
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Saturday, November 17, 2007
My busy week, tea houses- czech boys- and the fate of tongues...particularly mine
A long but overdue update. My week was so busy, that at the end of everyday all I wanted to do was hop into bed and allow sleep to wash over me. I could have written, but it would have been short, boring, and I would have been unsatisfied, so sorry, but you just had to wait. We will just go through the week, and I'll do it recap style...so here I go...
Monday- I go to try out french lessons, you know, try and keep up my french while I'm here. haha, right. So I go and the class is taught in czech, and we all know how great my czech is....and I can understand the french, and read it, but whenever I went to speak in french, all that came out was czech. I sat there searching for the words I wanted to say, but I could only think of them in czech...it was very problematic. However, at one point we listened to a french song and had to fill in the missing words, and then they translated it into czech- and I sat back and it was very interesting because there were points where I understood what was being said in czech and in french. Or there would be times where I knew what it was in french but not in czech, and times when I knew the meaning in czech and not french. So overall the class was a bust, because there is no way I can take it and learn- but I'm glad I tried it, it was a good experience.
Tuesday- I went to the gym with my friend which was good, I'd really missed working out. Although it was strange to me because all the machines and such are in english. The treadmill for example, all of the buttons and such are in english, so for the most part no one knows what they say- when I asked my friend how she knows what to do, she said she just hits buttons until it starts working- this I found very funny.
Wednesday- I went to these art classes with my friends, which were held in this really neat old and rustic building- and I'm not much the artistic type- I'm artistic through writing. But there is some sort of peace that comes about from sketching, you just put all your focus towards that and relax. So it doesn't matter that my drawings arn't anything especial, I like the feeling that comes from creating them, for me that is enough. So from now on I'll go weekly to Art Class.
I also signed up for ballroom dancing classes...class starts December 4th at 7 p.m.
Thursday- Okay so I had this thing on my leg and initially I thought it was a bug bite, but then Thursday it started really hurting, like even walking was painful. So my intention was to get home and tell my host parents, yet I get home only to find a note from them telling me they'd gone off to Hungary and wouldn't be back until Saturday afternoon. Ummm WHAT??? I was in pain...I couldn't wait until Saturday. So I showed my host sister and she said she would take me the next day to have it checked out.
Thursday night I went to a concert with my friends, which was a lot of fun, and my leg was killing me, but it didn't matter, I still managed to have fun. My friends however were really concerned about my leg and my one friend told me, " If Martina doesn't take you to the doctor tomorrow, you need to tell us and we will take you."
I was entirely thrown by that statement... and the fact that they had that much care and concern for me.
Friday- morning comes and my host sister tells me she thinks we will just wait until her parents get home( I think she just had plans and didn't want to cancel them....so to to hell with my leg) so I was like fine, whatever.
So I go to school, and my friends are really worried about my leg, and I had a skirt on, because by this point I could no longer wear pants as they rubbed up against it and caused me more pain.
So i go to the bathroom and Lucy follows and asks if she can see my leg, so I show her and she is like wait here a minute, so I wait. And not but a few moments later all of my friends are circled around me in the bathroom inspecting my leg. They came to the conclusion that I couldn't wait until Saturday, that I needed to go to the hospital NOW.
So we go to the head lady, and they tell her my issue, we show her my leg, and she agrees I need to go to the doctor. So my friends go back to class, gather their things, and he head to the doctors.
We get to the doctors and my friends explain what the issue is, and I show the doctor. and he tells me to "show off my boots"( which meant to take them off) and also to take off my roc( to take of my skirt- in german) and I laid on my stomach on the hospital bed so he could have access to my leg. And from my left eye I can see the nurse preparing a shot of something, and I was like okay whatever, if it will stop the pain. But I didn't get just one shot, Oh NO, I was poked about seven times and it was very painful...poked and prodded and cut at...and I didn't know what he was doing or why he was doing it, I just hoped he knew what he was doing.
Anyways it turns out that I had an ULCER on my leg. WHAT THE HECK?? How ever do you get an ulcer? Anyways apparently the doctor knew what he was doing because it feels a lot better, but I have to go back Monday to have it checked on.
Then I go back to school, and Lucy tells me that if I need looking after I can stay at her house, that she already checked with her mom and that it was perfectly alright. I didn't take her up on her offer, she had already done enough- and I'm getting rather good at looking after myself, so I was alright. But the fact that she offered- that she was concerned; it meant a lot. I can already tell these friends are going to be really hard to leave- but we won't worry about that now.
So Friday night I could have gone out and done something, but I was really tired, I'd had a busy week, and I figured my leg could use some resting- so I just hung out at home. It was really really nice actually, some much needed r&r.
Saturday- I wake up and clean my room as the host parents had been gone so my room had become messy for the first time.
I then went to meet Julie and another exchange student that lives in another part of the Czech, but was here and is also from Washington and we went to lunch.
And then after she left Julie and I met up with Eleanor and went to a Cajovna( tea house) and then a little while late in walks my friend Hanka with two friends in tow, so they come over and join us and we all visit. And then after awhile Julie has to leave, and then Eleanor, and I stay. One of her friends, Honza (John) was very nice and we sat and visited and then we had to leave. Honza and I exchanged numbers and he asked me what I was doing next weekend...so we'll see. And then Hanka and her friends bus came before mine, and Honza needed to go to another bus stop to catch his bus- but he waited with me. And after awhile my bus was taking forever to come I told him he didn't need to wait, that it was okay. But he insisted that it was fine. Ha. In America the boy would have been like "Okay Bye!" and would have gone off to catch his bus. So....we'll see.
And then I'd decided that if I was really going to get my tongue pierced that I should probably ask my host parents incase they have a problem with it. So I got home went upstairs and figured out how to ask in czech, but I'd still used wrong words so I'd had to explain myself in english. To my surprise they were fine with it.
Which means that tomorrow, Monday, November 19, 2007 I'm supposed to have my tongue pierced. This thought is both very exciting and entirely unsettling...so we'll see if I'll actually go through with it...I'll let you know tomorrow.
So life is good even with my ulcer and all
perhaps I got the ulcer to show me what good of friends I have found here
who knows.
my only complaint is that time is flying- and I wish it would just slow down a bit.
But that's out of my control- so all I can do is enjoy the time and let it pass.
It's simply how this crazy thing we call life works.
So make something of your time- of your day- of your life
there's no getting it back.
This is it.
Monday- I go to try out french lessons, you know, try and keep up my french while I'm here. haha, right. So I go and the class is taught in czech, and we all know how great my czech is....and I can understand the french, and read it, but whenever I went to speak in french, all that came out was czech. I sat there searching for the words I wanted to say, but I could only think of them in czech...it was very problematic. However, at one point we listened to a french song and had to fill in the missing words, and then they translated it into czech- and I sat back and it was very interesting because there were points where I understood what was being said in czech and in french. Or there would be times where I knew what it was in french but not in czech, and times when I knew the meaning in czech and not french. So overall the class was a bust, because there is no way I can take it and learn- but I'm glad I tried it, it was a good experience.
Tuesday- I went to the gym with my friend which was good, I'd really missed working out. Although it was strange to me because all the machines and such are in english. The treadmill for example, all of the buttons and such are in english, so for the most part no one knows what they say- when I asked my friend how she knows what to do, she said she just hits buttons until it starts working- this I found very funny.
Wednesday- I went to these art classes with my friends, which were held in this really neat old and rustic building- and I'm not much the artistic type- I'm artistic through writing. But there is some sort of peace that comes about from sketching, you just put all your focus towards that and relax. So it doesn't matter that my drawings arn't anything especial, I like the feeling that comes from creating them, for me that is enough. So from now on I'll go weekly to Art Class.
I also signed up for ballroom dancing classes...class starts December 4th at 7 p.m.
Thursday- Okay so I had this thing on my leg and initially I thought it was a bug bite, but then Thursday it started really hurting, like even walking was painful. So my intention was to get home and tell my host parents, yet I get home only to find a note from them telling me they'd gone off to Hungary and wouldn't be back until Saturday afternoon. Ummm WHAT??? I was in pain...I couldn't wait until Saturday. So I showed my host sister and she said she would take me the next day to have it checked out.
Thursday night I went to a concert with my friends, which was a lot of fun, and my leg was killing me, but it didn't matter, I still managed to have fun. My friends however were really concerned about my leg and my one friend told me, " If Martina doesn't take you to the doctor tomorrow, you need to tell us and we will take you."
I was entirely thrown by that statement... and the fact that they had that much care and concern for me.
Friday- morning comes and my host sister tells me she thinks we will just wait until her parents get home( I think she just had plans and didn't want to cancel them....so to to hell with my leg) so I was like fine, whatever.
So I go to school, and my friends are really worried about my leg, and I had a skirt on, because by this point I could no longer wear pants as they rubbed up against it and caused me more pain.
So i go to the bathroom and Lucy follows and asks if she can see my leg, so I show her and she is like wait here a minute, so I wait. And not but a few moments later all of my friends are circled around me in the bathroom inspecting my leg. They came to the conclusion that I couldn't wait until Saturday, that I needed to go to the hospital NOW.
So we go to the head lady, and they tell her my issue, we show her my leg, and she agrees I need to go to the doctor. So my friends go back to class, gather their things, and he head to the doctors.
We get to the doctors and my friends explain what the issue is, and I show the doctor. and he tells me to "show off my boots"( which meant to take them off) and also to take off my roc( to take of my skirt- in german) and I laid on my stomach on the hospital bed so he could have access to my leg. And from my left eye I can see the nurse preparing a shot of something, and I was like okay whatever, if it will stop the pain. But I didn't get just one shot, Oh NO, I was poked about seven times and it was very painful...poked and prodded and cut at...and I didn't know what he was doing or why he was doing it, I just hoped he knew what he was doing.
Anyways it turns out that I had an ULCER on my leg. WHAT THE HECK?? How ever do you get an ulcer? Anyways apparently the doctor knew what he was doing because it feels a lot better, but I have to go back Monday to have it checked on.
Then I go back to school, and Lucy tells me that if I need looking after I can stay at her house, that she already checked with her mom and that it was perfectly alright. I didn't take her up on her offer, she had already done enough- and I'm getting rather good at looking after myself, so I was alright. But the fact that she offered- that she was concerned; it meant a lot. I can already tell these friends are going to be really hard to leave- but we won't worry about that now.
So Friday night I could have gone out and done something, but I was really tired, I'd had a busy week, and I figured my leg could use some resting- so I just hung out at home. It was really really nice actually, some much needed r&r.
Saturday- I wake up and clean my room as the host parents had been gone so my room had become messy for the first time.
I then went to meet Julie and another exchange student that lives in another part of the Czech, but was here and is also from Washington and we went to lunch.
And then after she left Julie and I met up with Eleanor and went to a Cajovna( tea house) and then a little while late in walks my friend Hanka with two friends in tow, so they come over and join us and we all visit. And then after awhile Julie has to leave, and then Eleanor, and I stay. One of her friends, Honza (John) was very nice and we sat and visited and then we had to leave. Honza and I exchanged numbers and he asked me what I was doing next weekend...so we'll see. And then Hanka and her friends bus came before mine, and Honza needed to go to another bus stop to catch his bus- but he waited with me. And after awhile my bus was taking forever to come I told him he didn't need to wait, that it was okay. But he insisted that it was fine. Ha. In America the boy would have been like "Okay Bye!" and would have gone off to catch his bus. So....we'll see.
And then I'd decided that if I was really going to get my tongue pierced that I should probably ask my host parents incase they have a problem with it. So I got home went upstairs and figured out how to ask in czech, but I'd still used wrong words so I'd had to explain myself in english. To my surprise they were fine with it.
Which means that tomorrow, Monday, November 19, 2007 I'm supposed to have my tongue pierced. This thought is both very exciting and entirely unsettling...so we'll see if I'll actually go through with it...I'll let you know tomorrow.
So life is good even with my ulcer and all
perhaps I got the ulcer to show me what good of friends I have found here
who knows.
my only complaint is that time is flying- and I wish it would just slow down a bit.
But that's out of my control- so all I can do is enjoy the time and let it pass.
It's simply how this crazy thing we call life works.
So make something of your time- of your day- of your life
there's no getting it back.
This is it.
Friday, November 9, 2007
.On being ignored and facing your fears.
It has been a long week
and I have been tested in ways I never have before, pushed myself to take the plunge and do things that I'm afraid of- and as I write to you I'm on the other side of that plunge, dealing with what it revealed.
I'll start from the top.
Wednesday morning I woke up feeling really nauseous.Wednesday morning is two hours of P.E.- so I figured it would be a better idea if I got extra sleep and didn't go run around for two hours. So that's what I did. So I got up later, got up, got ready and went downstairs. And my host mom asks, "What about school?" and I explained how I didn't feel well, and was going to school, but that I'd thought it would be best if I didn't go to school for P.E. At which point she responds " You have to go to school" and I said that I knew- restated my reasoning once again. And then she claims, "I don't understand my daughter gets up early in the morning and goes to school, and doesn't come until late afternoon, and you, you barely go to school."
At which point I explained that I was taking as many classes as the lady in charge told me I needed to.
And it was the way she said all of this, and the way she looked at me- as though I wasn't telling the truth, as though the looks she was giving me was going to cause me to break down and confess, " You know what you're right, I skip my classes- most of them, and that's why it seems like I'm not at school much."
And so I didn't feel well, and I was being questioned about the most absurd thing- and I felt very uncomfortable, and so although I didn't need to leave the house for another twenty minutes- I got up- put my shoes on- said goodbye- and was on my way.
I spent the twenty minutes instead, at the bus stop- fighting back tears.
I didn't feel well, and I simply didn't understand. WHAT DOES THE LADY EXPECT FROM ME? to go sit in a full schedule of classes in which I understand nothing?
I could understand her confusion if I understood the language- but considering the circumstances, I could not manage to comprehend where her confusion came from.
It was very strange because all of a sudden my host mom stopped really talking to me. She would say "Ahoj Tahani" and that was about it. I was feeling very awkward, uncomfortable, and out of place. I kept running through past events and days in my head- trying to figure out where I did something wrong, something to upset her.
That was Wednesday. I thought maybe it was just an off day- Thursday would be different. But I get home Thursday, and once again- it's as if I had somehow been draped under a cloud of invisibility. Friendliness had been thrown out the window.
Confrontation was clearly the answer.
Confrontation- even just the word draws up a pit in my stomach. Confrontation is one of my down falls, I'm horrible at it. But I couldn't take not knowing what was going on. And so I asked her if we could talk for a minute- and then asked her, " Have I done something wrong, something to upset or bother you?"
and she responds, "No I'm not upset"
and then there is a "but....."
and she starts in,
"I don't understand why you come home from school and are just here in the afternoons. You chose to come here to live the Czech life, but you're not. You just come home from school and are here with me and Eva. You are seventeen, this is not normal. My daughters are always busy after school, always gone, I'm happy if I see them one hour in the evenings. It makes me nervous you being here- and gives me a headache as I can't figure out why you don't go do things. My Bara she is in Portland right now and she is very busy, and she is busy when she is here too- she is a very independant girl (insinuating that I'm not). You need to be doing things, my job is to wash your clothes, and feed you, and give you a nice room....."
and at some point I made mention that the other exchange students go home after school too....
at which point she chimmed in with "Well Martina(my host sister) says that Eleanor (another American student)goes with Czech friends after school. So my host mom had been asking my host sister about the other students....
Eleanor herself claimed she goes home most days, you see the key difference is that I'm the only one who has a host mom that doesn't work.
You see this problem she was having with me coming home. It was a problem for me too- but that is what all my friends do here- they go to school and go home and study.
Initially I was relieved that was her only problem, because it is entirely fixable.
But then yesterday when I was done with running errands and felt like I couldn't go home, it was a strange feeling that resonated through me, one I'm not at all familiar with. I suppose it will just take some getting used to.
So I've jam packed my schedule as follows:
Monday- Czech lessons
then I'm trying out french lessons to keep up my french 5:30-7
and when I went to the school they asked me if maybe I'd like to teach an English class- so we're discussing that- the extra money would be nice.
Tuesday- School
then I'm going to the gym with my friend
Wednesday- going to dance school to sign up for ballroom dancing classes
going to an Art Class with my friend
Thursday- Concert with friends
Friday- tongue piercing ( if I can go through with it- I don't know if I'll be able to AHHHHH)
Saturday- disco in a neighboring village
then the next week
Thursday I'm going to a Czech play
then that weekend hopping the bus and going to visit other exchange students near the Polish border- and may possibly go to Auschwitz.
The weekend after that is Prague weekend.
and dancing lessons start that week
and there is also a concert I'm going to.
Keeping busy is the plan.
It was funny because it was in all this happening that I noticed the slight change in myself.
Two months ago- all my host mom had said would have gotten to me, I would have taken it to heart.
Her statements about my behavior being abnormal, her insinuations that I'm not independant, being compared to the other students- it all would have made me upset.
But I've come to the point where those things only make me laugh.
I'm not normal, that would be boring but I wouldn't say I'm abnormal.
At age 16 I went all over New York City alone- that sounds like a pretty dependant person to me...
and being compared to other students- well, I'm not other people, just me.
And I've only been here two months- it is impossible to figure out the entire lifestyle of a new place in two months, it takes time to adapt, and I am. But at my own pace- and that is perfectly fine.
I'm glad I've undergone this slight yet massive shift in thougt, because two months ago her statements would have made me entirely rethink who I am.
Yet instead they simply reaffirmed the person that I am.
Those are her perceptions of me, but they're not the one's I hold of myself- I've known myself for 17 years, watched myself change throughout the years- seen my self start to form into the person that I am as I write this. She's known me two months and 6 days; and knows only bits and pieces of my story.
Her words can't be taken to heart- she simply doesn't have enough information.
It's like I'm a puzzle- but she only has a few pieces of it- so you can't blame her when she isn't able to put it together properly. I don't blame her.
So this all began Wednesday. And her I sit Saturday morning.
And the plan from here on out is just to keep busy- and steer clear of home as to not make my host mom "nervous"
It's okay, it will just take some getting used to, something I'm not used to, something to add to my list of things to adapt to.
And in the end I know I'll make it through
because after all
"We're All In This Together"
if only Ben Lee knew the ways in which he's changed my life, I plan on telling him one day...personally.
So take time to appreciate those in your life
that appreciate you- who make you feel wanted
because it's not until you feel slightly unwanted
that you realize how much those people truly care- those people that appreciate you.
I appreciate you.
if you have cared, if you care, if you will one day care.
I appreciate you.
And I say this with as much force backing those words as I can muster, those words are coming from the depths of my heart- those words are my truth.
I appreciate you.
and I have been tested in ways I never have before, pushed myself to take the plunge and do things that I'm afraid of- and as I write to you I'm on the other side of that plunge, dealing with what it revealed.
I'll start from the top.
Wednesday morning I woke up feeling really nauseous.Wednesday morning is two hours of P.E.- so I figured it would be a better idea if I got extra sleep and didn't go run around for two hours. So that's what I did. So I got up later, got up, got ready and went downstairs. And my host mom asks, "What about school?" and I explained how I didn't feel well, and was going to school, but that I'd thought it would be best if I didn't go to school for P.E. At which point she responds " You have to go to school" and I said that I knew- restated my reasoning once again. And then she claims, "I don't understand my daughter gets up early in the morning and goes to school, and doesn't come until late afternoon, and you, you barely go to school."
At which point I explained that I was taking as many classes as the lady in charge told me I needed to.
And it was the way she said all of this, and the way she looked at me- as though I wasn't telling the truth, as though the looks she was giving me was going to cause me to break down and confess, " You know what you're right, I skip my classes- most of them, and that's why it seems like I'm not at school much."
And so I didn't feel well, and I was being questioned about the most absurd thing- and I felt very uncomfortable, and so although I didn't need to leave the house for another twenty minutes- I got up- put my shoes on- said goodbye- and was on my way.
I spent the twenty minutes instead, at the bus stop- fighting back tears.
I didn't feel well, and I simply didn't understand. WHAT DOES THE LADY EXPECT FROM ME? to go sit in a full schedule of classes in which I understand nothing?
I could understand her confusion if I understood the language- but considering the circumstances, I could not manage to comprehend where her confusion came from.
It was very strange because all of a sudden my host mom stopped really talking to me. She would say "Ahoj Tahani" and that was about it. I was feeling very awkward, uncomfortable, and out of place. I kept running through past events and days in my head- trying to figure out where I did something wrong, something to upset her.
That was Wednesday. I thought maybe it was just an off day- Thursday would be different. But I get home Thursday, and once again- it's as if I had somehow been draped under a cloud of invisibility. Friendliness had been thrown out the window.
Confrontation was clearly the answer.
Confrontation- even just the word draws up a pit in my stomach. Confrontation is one of my down falls, I'm horrible at it. But I couldn't take not knowing what was going on. And so I asked her if we could talk for a minute- and then asked her, " Have I done something wrong, something to upset or bother you?"
and she responds, "No I'm not upset"
and then there is a "but....."
and she starts in,
"I don't understand why you come home from school and are just here in the afternoons. You chose to come here to live the Czech life, but you're not. You just come home from school and are here with me and Eva. You are seventeen, this is not normal. My daughters are always busy after school, always gone, I'm happy if I see them one hour in the evenings. It makes me nervous you being here- and gives me a headache as I can't figure out why you don't go do things. My Bara she is in Portland right now and she is very busy, and she is busy when she is here too- she is a very independant girl (insinuating that I'm not). You need to be doing things, my job is to wash your clothes, and feed you, and give you a nice room....."
and at some point I made mention that the other exchange students go home after school too....
at which point she chimmed in with "Well Martina(my host sister) says that Eleanor (another American student)goes with Czech friends after school. So my host mom had been asking my host sister about the other students....
Eleanor herself claimed she goes home most days, you see the key difference is that I'm the only one who has a host mom that doesn't work.
You see this problem she was having with me coming home. It was a problem for me too- but that is what all my friends do here- they go to school and go home and study.
Initially I was relieved that was her only problem, because it is entirely fixable.
But then yesterday when I was done with running errands and felt like I couldn't go home, it was a strange feeling that resonated through me, one I'm not at all familiar with. I suppose it will just take some getting used to.
So I've jam packed my schedule as follows:
Monday- Czech lessons
then I'm trying out french lessons to keep up my french 5:30-7
and when I went to the school they asked me if maybe I'd like to teach an English class- so we're discussing that- the extra money would be nice.
Tuesday- School
then I'm going to the gym with my friend
Wednesday- going to dance school to sign up for ballroom dancing classes
going to an Art Class with my friend
Thursday- Concert with friends
Friday- tongue piercing ( if I can go through with it- I don't know if I'll be able to AHHHHH)
Saturday- disco in a neighboring village
then the next week
Thursday I'm going to a Czech play
then that weekend hopping the bus and going to visit other exchange students near the Polish border- and may possibly go to Auschwitz.
The weekend after that is Prague weekend.
and dancing lessons start that week
and there is also a concert I'm going to.
Keeping busy is the plan.
It was funny because it was in all this happening that I noticed the slight change in myself.
Two months ago- all my host mom had said would have gotten to me, I would have taken it to heart.
Her statements about my behavior being abnormal, her insinuations that I'm not independant, being compared to the other students- it all would have made me upset.
But I've come to the point where those things only make me laugh.
I'm not normal, that would be boring but I wouldn't say I'm abnormal.
At age 16 I went all over New York City alone- that sounds like a pretty dependant person to me...
and being compared to other students- well, I'm not other people, just me.
And I've only been here two months- it is impossible to figure out the entire lifestyle of a new place in two months, it takes time to adapt, and I am. But at my own pace- and that is perfectly fine.
I'm glad I've undergone this slight yet massive shift in thougt, because two months ago her statements would have made me entirely rethink who I am.
Yet instead they simply reaffirmed the person that I am.
Those are her perceptions of me, but they're not the one's I hold of myself- I've known myself for 17 years, watched myself change throughout the years- seen my self start to form into the person that I am as I write this. She's known me two months and 6 days; and knows only bits and pieces of my story.
Her words can't be taken to heart- she simply doesn't have enough information.
It's like I'm a puzzle- but she only has a few pieces of it- so you can't blame her when she isn't able to put it together properly. I don't blame her.
So this all began Wednesday. And her I sit Saturday morning.
And the plan from here on out is just to keep busy- and steer clear of home as to not make my host mom "nervous"
It's okay, it will just take some getting used to, something I'm not used to, something to add to my list of things to adapt to.
And in the end I know I'll make it through
because after all
"We're All In This Together"
if only Ben Lee knew the ways in which he's changed my life, I plan on telling him one day...personally.
So take time to appreciate those in your life
that appreciate you- who make you feel wanted
because it's not until you feel slightly unwanted
that you realize how much those people truly care- those people that appreciate you.
I appreciate you.
if you have cared, if you care, if you will one day care.
I appreciate you.
And I say this with as much force backing those words as I can muster, those words are coming from the depths of my heart- those words are my truth.
I appreciate you.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Trees. Cows. Slippers. And Those No Longer Living.
I love trees. I don't think anyone knows this about me- that I have some strange fascination and attachment to trees. It sounds strange, I'm sure but really it's not. In America, Summer is my favorite season, but here I find myself in love with fall. It is somehow different here, than it is at home. Sure, leaves change color and fall from trees leaving leaves to crunch under your feet- in both places- but there is more to the Autumn experience than just that. And I guess I just like what the Czech Republic brings to the table at this time of year.
We went to go visit family in the country today, and while we were there we took a short walk. As we walked I found myself taking in the different shades of greens, reds, yellows, and oranges that the trees had to offer. There was this one tree in particular that caught my eye- that had turned to this shade of orange, that simply made me very happy. Yes, that's right, a tree made me happy.
It is strange to me how thought provoking a tree can be- I wish I could explain to you how many thoughts were prompted by the sight of that tree. I wish for just a moment that you could have been in my head- could have experienced what simply seeing a tree brought to thought in my head.
I'm probably strange- having thoughts provoked by a tree- but here is a picture of that tree in case it is able to do the same for you.
We kept walking until we reached this barn, which I walked into only to find some of the most massive cows I have ever seen in my life. And this one, well I swear it kept staring at me, so it went from strange to even stranger. Having thoughts provoked by trees to having weird bonding moments with cows. Perhaps all this time I have for thinking is causing me to lose my mind....
Upon leaving we hopped in the car and headed for another village to go place candles at the grave of my host mom's mother.
As soon as we arrived at the cemetery and emerged from the car my host mom's demeanor instantly changed. We walked to the grave that was beautifully decorated with wreaths and candles and added two candles- both of which my host mom lit. And as she returned to standing upright from lighting the candles she just sort of stood there- as though someone had punched her in the gut and she was still in shock. I wish I could depict her facial expression properly- explain the change that occured in her eyes- but I simply don't know how.
Yet watching the change occur in her right before my eyes, all I wanted to do was cry. In fact, I found myself blinking back to prevent big welts of water from forming in my eyes.
I really don't like cemeteries. I know that is probably assumed, although I know people that actually like going to them- I decided today that I really don't understand those people.
I don't like the sorrowful feeling that washes over me when I visit them- and for some reason I just feel wrong in being there to begin with, like I'm invading some sacred thing that I have no right to invade.
My host mom had given me the choice to stay home this morning. I'm really glad I didn't take that option.
We stopped at the store before we left this morning and my host mom comes out with a case of beer and this plastic bag. Upon getting in the car she turns in the front seat to face me in the back and hands me the bag saying "This is for you"
So I open the bag only to find these purple and pink dog slippers. haha. Let me explain.
Here, as in the Czech Republic, everyone wears like thes house slippers- they don't really just go around bare foot or in socks, they wear their slippers. So, today my host mom bought me a pair. I guess she thought I needed them.
And although they make me laugh and are not anything I would ever buy or wear- I'm wearing them proudly on my feet as I write this- because I feel like it was the final thing in my induction to the family.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Contemplate.Contemplation.Contemplating.
Do you ever find your thoughts on overload? To the point where you're sort of sick of yourself and could use a break?
Yeah me too.
Too bad I am the one person I'm stuck with for life- and on those days I just want to get away...well- I can't.
And I don't even want to get away because I don't like the thoughts that are bouncing around, but my head just needs a break- I think and ponder, and wonder and observe, and mutter by in a foreign language and try and pull meaning from conversations two months ago I would have totally been lost in- but can now often pick up the jist of what is being said. And at the end of every day- well I'm exhausted; mentally drained.
So let's take a look at these odd thought patterns of mine.
So today I was telling a story
and in telling the story I realized how the people listening to the story were probably judging the others involved in the story.
Which led to thoughts of how they were judging people they'd never met- and never would meet- and well, was that the impression I wanted to be giving them of those people?
Because in this case- the characters in my story- have absolutely no control of how they are judged...it all lies in my hands. But then I asked myself, well, since they will never know that they were judged...or how they were judged, does it really matter how I depict them?
And that got me thinking about how that really isn't fair. I know, I know, life isn't fair- which by the way is one of my least favorite things that people throw back at you when you complain about something being unfair, " Well, life's not fair" WELL, NO DUH. clearly we've figured that out by now.
Okay back to the thoughts at hand. How is it fair that I can sit and tell a story about people- which in turn provokes judgments from others that don't know them at all?
First of all- as I'm one person my version of the story is probably different than how anyone else would tell it- perhaps I'm not depicting it correclty, perhaps I'm being biased. But then I asked myself what is "depicting it correctly?"
And that's where thoughts of how we all have our own truth jumped on the band wagon- and caused my thoughts to once again branch off in several directions.
So in the end I finished telling my story- while watching those that had fallen victim to my running mouth- and let the judgment fall where it wanted. Where it fell, I have no idea- I didn't sit and ask them all about their judgments when I was finished- but it's normal for judgment to be made- it's how we, as humans work.
And it wasn't until after the story was all done and over with, and my thoughts had been taken elsewhere- that I realized that it was quite possible that I was judged while telling that story- that while I was wondering about the judgments of others- I too was probably being judged. But- there is a fine difference between the judgment that may have been placed on me- and that on the other characters in my story. They have me here- to watch and observe and talk to everyday- to judge everyday. The characters in my story, and any story I choose to tell while I'm here for that matter- they get judged based on how I want them to. All it requires is me bending my words a little this way, twisting them a little that way- and the judgment would change.
But do people really take the time to do that? I'm sure there are people somewhere in this world that do. I, however, am not one of them. I'm going to tell my story- the way in which I recall it happening. I'm going to share my truth. that's it.
The rest dealing with what the outsiders taking in the story choose to do with it- that's out of my hands.
Are you sick of my all across the board thoughts yet?
Good.
Me too.
and thats the sort of thing that plays out in my head all day long
everyday the thoughts take different routes, go down different roads- but don't worry they keep going...even when I'd like them to stop.
Like okay just for kicks I'll just show you where my thoughts went from there.
Generally it's an outside force- that sends my thoughts in a different direction sort of like the theory in physics "an object in motion will stay in motion until influenced by an outside force," I don't it's something along those lines.
So right after the story thoughts ended we went to lunch.
Now my friend and I had to sit at a table with this one boy from our class who I've only ever heard speak when the teachers call on him.
So we eat- he doesn't speak to either of us- we finish- we leave.
And as we are walking up the stairs my friend makes mention of the boy and how he never talks.
How they have been in the same class for seven years and he just doesn't talk, how they used to try to get conversation out of him, to include him but all they got out of him when trying to start up conversation were yes and no answers. The sure and fast conversation killers. seven years this boy has been around these people. seven years of lost conversation- a lot of talking can be done in seven years. Take me for example- do you know how many conversations I could have in seven years, how many stories I could hear- how many times I could be impacted? So many. And so then I became awfully curious- why has this boy chosen to isolate himself? I'm sure if you were to dig deep enough you could find the reasoning- because I'm sure there is some somewhere.
You see it's never ending. always thought. always about something else- something different- something entirely off the wall.
My Friday night proved to be interesting, as most nights here are. I was officially bought my first drink ever, by an Italian man. Yeah so my friend and I meet up before we are supposed to be meeting our other friends and end up at a pub- and there is this group of Italian men, and it was the one's birthday, and so after talking to him awhile he had drinks sent over to our table- and he came over and we said "nazdravi", the equivelant of cheers here, and yeah, it was just really weird. So last week we met British boys, this week it was Italian men, UMMMM where do CZECHS FIT IN HERE??? I am in the CZECH REPUBLIC right?
For anyone that hasn't heard, my ipod died. Which may not sound like such a big deal, except that when you don't have music you realize how dependant you are on it. My music is really important to me, living without it, is not something I enjoy doing, so it's a good thing that I'll soon have it back.
I've been pondering getting dreads while I'm here, don't worry no glue is involved so I won't have to shave my head to get rid of them. I also have this slight desire to get my tongue pierced, which is entirely out of character for me. But I figure that it's the best place to get a piercing as I can take it out and there will be no scar, no damage done- just a memory of some crazy whim I got while I was in Europe....I don't know, we'll see.
Off to go study Czech, I believe tonight I will work on trying to make some logical sense of these seven crazy cases they use....wish me luck.
And do me a favor
lay off on the thinking
I'm doing enough for you and me both
so just don't think too much today
it's exhausting...I promise.
tak....Cau
Yeah me too.
Too bad I am the one person I'm stuck with for life- and on those days I just want to get away...well- I can't.
And I don't even want to get away because I don't like the thoughts that are bouncing around, but my head just needs a break- I think and ponder, and wonder and observe, and mutter by in a foreign language and try and pull meaning from conversations two months ago I would have totally been lost in- but can now often pick up the jist of what is being said. And at the end of every day- well I'm exhausted; mentally drained.
So let's take a look at these odd thought patterns of mine.
So today I was telling a story
and in telling the story I realized how the people listening to the story were probably judging the others involved in the story.
Which led to thoughts of how they were judging people they'd never met- and never would meet- and well, was that the impression I wanted to be giving them of those people?
Because in this case- the characters in my story- have absolutely no control of how they are judged...it all lies in my hands. But then I asked myself, well, since they will never know that they were judged...or how they were judged, does it really matter how I depict them?
And that got me thinking about how that really isn't fair. I know, I know, life isn't fair- which by the way is one of my least favorite things that people throw back at you when you complain about something being unfair, " Well, life's not fair" WELL, NO DUH. clearly we've figured that out by now.
Okay back to the thoughts at hand. How is it fair that I can sit and tell a story about people- which in turn provokes judgments from others that don't know them at all?
First of all- as I'm one person my version of the story is probably different than how anyone else would tell it- perhaps I'm not depicting it correclty, perhaps I'm being biased. But then I asked myself what is "depicting it correctly?"
And that's where thoughts of how we all have our own truth jumped on the band wagon- and caused my thoughts to once again branch off in several directions.
So in the end I finished telling my story- while watching those that had fallen victim to my running mouth- and let the judgment fall where it wanted. Where it fell, I have no idea- I didn't sit and ask them all about their judgments when I was finished- but it's normal for judgment to be made- it's how we, as humans work.
And it wasn't until after the story was all done and over with, and my thoughts had been taken elsewhere- that I realized that it was quite possible that I was judged while telling that story- that while I was wondering about the judgments of others- I too was probably being judged. But- there is a fine difference between the judgment that may have been placed on me- and that on the other characters in my story. They have me here- to watch and observe and talk to everyday- to judge everyday. The characters in my story, and any story I choose to tell while I'm here for that matter- they get judged based on how I want them to. All it requires is me bending my words a little this way, twisting them a little that way- and the judgment would change.
But do people really take the time to do that? I'm sure there are people somewhere in this world that do. I, however, am not one of them. I'm going to tell my story- the way in which I recall it happening. I'm going to share my truth. that's it.
The rest dealing with what the outsiders taking in the story choose to do with it- that's out of my hands.
Are you sick of my all across the board thoughts yet?
Good.
Me too.
and thats the sort of thing that plays out in my head all day long
everyday the thoughts take different routes, go down different roads- but don't worry they keep going...even when I'd like them to stop.
Like okay just for kicks I'll just show you where my thoughts went from there.
Generally it's an outside force- that sends my thoughts in a different direction sort of like the theory in physics "an object in motion will stay in motion until influenced by an outside force," I don't it's something along those lines.
So right after the story thoughts ended we went to lunch.
Now my friend and I had to sit at a table with this one boy from our class who I've only ever heard speak when the teachers call on him.
So we eat- he doesn't speak to either of us- we finish- we leave.
And as we are walking up the stairs my friend makes mention of the boy and how he never talks.
How they have been in the same class for seven years and he just doesn't talk, how they used to try to get conversation out of him, to include him but all they got out of him when trying to start up conversation were yes and no answers. The sure and fast conversation killers. seven years this boy has been around these people. seven years of lost conversation- a lot of talking can be done in seven years. Take me for example- do you know how many conversations I could have in seven years, how many stories I could hear- how many times I could be impacted? So many. And so then I became awfully curious- why has this boy chosen to isolate himself? I'm sure if you were to dig deep enough you could find the reasoning- because I'm sure there is some somewhere.
You see it's never ending. always thought. always about something else- something different- something entirely off the wall.
My Friday night proved to be interesting, as most nights here are. I was officially bought my first drink ever, by an Italian man. Yeah so my friend and I meet up before we are supposed to be meeting our other friends and end up at a pub- and there is this group of Italian men, and it was the one's birthday, and so after talking to him awhile he had drinks sent over to our table- and he came over and we said "nazdravi", the equivelant of cheers here, and yeah, it was just really weird. So last week we met British boys, this week it was Italian men, UMMMM where do CZECHS FIT IN HERE??? I am in the CZECH REPUBLIC right?
For anyone that hasn't heard, my ipod died. Which may not sound like such a big deal, except that when you don't have music you realize how dependant you are on it. My music is really important to me, living without it, is not something I enjoy doing, so it's a good thing that I'll soon have it back.
I've been pondering getting dreads while I'm here, don't worry no glue is involved so I won't have to shave my head to get rid of them. I also have this slight desire to get my tongue pierced, which is entirely out of character for me. But I figure that it's the best place to get a piercing as I can take it out and there will be no scar, no damage done- just a memory of some crazy whim I got while I was in Europe....I don't know, we'll see.
Off to go study Czech, I believe tonight I will work on trying to make some logical sense of these seven crazy cases they use....wish me luck.
And do me a favor
lay off on the thinking
I'm doing enough for you and me both
so just don't think too much today
it's exhausting...I promise.
tak....Cau
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