.On being ignored and facing your fears.

It has been a long week
and I have been tested in ways I never have before, pushed myself to take the plunge and do things that I'm afraid of- and as I write to you I'm on the other side of that plunge, dealing with what it revealed.

I'll start from the top.


Wednesday morning I woke up feeling really nauseous.Wednesday morning is two hours of P.E.- so I figured it would be a better idea if I got extra sleep and didn't go run around for two hours. So that's what I did. So I got up later, got up, got ready and went downstairs. And my host mom asks, "What about school?" and I explained how I didn't feel well, and was going to school, but that I'd thought it would be best if I didn't go to school for P.E. At which point she responds " You have to go to school" and I said that I knew- restated my reasoning once again. And then she claims, "I don't understand my daughter gets up early in the morning and goes to school, and doesn't come until late afternoon, and you, you barely go to school."
At which point I explained that I was taking as many classes as the lady in charge told me I needed to.

And it was the way she said all of this, and the way she looked at me- as though I wasn't telling the truth, as though the looks she was giving me was going to cause me to break down and confess, " You know what you're right, I skip my classes- most of them, and that's why it seems like I'm not at school much."

And so I didn't feel well, and I was being questioned about the most absurd thing- and I felt very uncomfortable, and so although I didn't need to leave the house for another twenty minutes- I got up- put my shoes on- said goodbye- and was on my way.
I spent the twenty minutes instead, at the bus stop- fighting back tears.
I didn't feel well, and I simply didn't understand. WHAT DOES THE LADY EXPECT FROM ME? to go sit in a full schedule of classes in which I understand nothing?
I could understand her confusion if I understood the language- but considering the circumstances, I could not manage to comprehend where her confusion came from.


It was very strange because all of a sudden my host mom stopped really talking to me. She would say "Ahoj Tahani" and that was about it. I was feeling very awkward, uncomfortable, and out of place. I kept running through past events and days in my head- trying to figure out where I did something wrong, something to upset her.


That was Wednesday. I thought maybe it was just an off day- Thursday would be different. But I get home Thursday, and once again- it's as if I had somehow been draped under a cloud of invisibility. Friendliness had been thrown out the window.
Confrontation was clearly the answer.

Confrontation- even just the word draws up a pit in my stomach. Confrontation is one of my down falls, I'm horrible at it. But I couldn't take not knowing what was going on. And so I asked her if we could talk for a minute- and then asked her, " Have I done something wrong, something to upset or bother you?"

and she responds, "No I'm not upset"

and then there is a "but....."
and she starts in,
"I don't understand why you come home from school and are just here in the afternoons. You chose to come here to live the Czech life, but you're not. You just come home from school and are here with me and Eva. You are seventeen, this is not normal. My daughters are always busy after school, always gone, I'm happy if I see them one hour in the evenings. It makes me nervous you being here- and gives me a headache as I can't figure out why you don't go do things. My Bara she is in Portland right now and she is very busy, and she is busy when she is here too- she is a very independant girl (insinuating that I'm not). You need to be doing things, my job is to wash your clothes, and feed you, and give you a nice room....."

and at some point I made mention that the other exchange students go home after school too....

at which point she chimmed in with "Well Martina(my host sister) says that Eleanor (another American student)goes with Czech friends after school. So my host mom had been asking my host sister about the other students....

Eleanor herself claimed she goes home most days, you see the key difference is that I'm the only one who has a host mom that doesn't work.

You see this problem she was having with me coming home. It was a problem for me too- but that is what all my friends do here- they go to school and go home and study.

Initially I was relieved that was her only problem, because it is entirely fixable.
But then yesterday when I was done with running errands and felt like I couldn't go home, it was a strange feeling that resonated through me, one I'm not at all familiar with. I suppose it will just take some getting used to.

So I've jam packed my schedule as follows:

Monday- Czech lessons
then I'm trying out french lessons to keep up my french 5:30-7
and when I went to the school they asked me if maybe I'd like to teach an English class- so we're discussing that- the extra money would be nice.

Tuesday- School
then I'm going to the gym with my friend

Wednesday- going to dance school to sign up for ballroom dancing classes
going to an Art Class with my friend

Thursday- Concert with friends

Friday- tongue piercing ( if I can go through with it- I don't know if I'll be able to AHHHHH)

Saturday- disco in a neighboring village

then the next week

Thursday I'm going to a Czech play

then that weekend hopping the bus and going to visit other exchange students near the Polish border- and may possibly go to Auschwitz.

The weekend after that is Prague weekend.

and dancing lessons start that week

and there is also a concert I'm going to.

Keeping busy is the plan.

It was funny because it was in all this happening that I noticed the slight change in myself.
Two months ago- all my host mom had said would have gotten to me, I would have taken it to heart.
Her statements about my behavior being abnormal, her insinuations that I'm not independant, being compared to the other students- it all would have made me upset.

But I've come to the point where those things only make me laugh.
I'm not normal, that would be boring but I wouldn't say I'm abnormal.
At age 16 I went all over New York City alone- that sounds like a pretty dependant person to me...
and being compared to other students- well, I'm not other people, just me.
And I've only been here two months- it is impossible to figure out the entire lifestyle of a new place in two months, it takes time to adapt, and I am. But at my own pace- and that is perfectly fine.
I'm glad I've undergone this slight yet massive shift in thougt, because two months ago her statements would have made me entirely rethink who I am.
Yet instead they simply reaffirmed the person that I am.
Those are her perceptions of me, but they're not the one's I hold of myself- I've known myself for 17 years, watched myself change throughout the years- seen my self start to form into the person that I am as I write this. She's known me two months and 6 days; and knows only bits and pieces of my story.
Her words can't be taken to heart- she simply doesn't have enough information.
It's like I'm a puzzle- but she only has a few pieces of it- so you can't blame her when she isn't able to put it together properly. I don't blame her.

So this all began Wednesday. And her I sit Saturday morning.
And the plan from here on out is just to keep busy- and steer clear of home as to not make my host mom "nervous"
It's okay, it will just take some getting used to, something I'm not used to, something to add to my list of things to adapt to.

And in the end I know I'll make it through
because after all
"We're All In This Together"
if only Ben Lee knew the ways in which he's changed my life, I plan on telling him one day...personally.

So take time to appreciate those in your life
that appreciate you- who make you feel wanted
because it's not until you feel slightly unwanted
that you realize how much those people truly care- those people that appreciate you.

I appreciate you.
if you have cared, if you care, if you will one day care.
I appreciate you.
And I say this with as much force backing those words as I can muster, those words are coming from the depths of my heart- those words are my truth.
I appreciate you.