Contemplate.Contemplation.Contemplating.

Do you ever find your thoughts on overload? To the point where you're sort of sick of yourself and could use a break?

Yeah me too.
Too bad I am the one person I'm stuck with for life- and on those days I just want to get away...well- I can't.

And I don't even want to get away because I don't like the thoughts that are bouncing around, but my head just needs a break- I think and ponder, and wonder and observe, and mutter by in a foreign language and try and pull meaning from conversations two months ago I would have totally been lost in- but can now often pick up the jist of what is being said. And at the end of every day- well I'm exhausted; mentally drained.

So let's take a look at these odd thought patterns of mine.
So today I was telling a story
and in telling the story I realized how the people listening to the story were probably judging the others involved in the story.
Which led to thoughts of how they were judging people they'd never met- and never would meet- and well, was that the impression I wanted to be giving them of those people?
Because in this case- the characters in my story- have absolutely no control of how they are judged...it all lies in my hands. But then I asked myself, well, since they will never know that they were judged...or how they were judged, does it really matter how I depict them?
And that got me thinking about how that really isn't fair. I know, I know, life isn't fair- which by the way is one of my least favorite things that people throw back at you when you complain about something being unfair, " Well, life's not fair" WELL, NO DUH. clearly we've figured that out by now.
Okay back to the thoughts at hand. How is it fair that I can sit and tell a story about people- which in turn provokes judgments from others that don't know them at all?
First of all- as I'm one person my version of the story is probably different than how anyone else would tell it- perhaps I'm not depicting it correclty, perhaps I'm being biased. But then I asked myself what is "depicting it correctly?"
And that's where thoughts of how we all have our own truth jumped on the band wagon- and caused my thoughts to once again branch off in several directions.
So in the end I finished telling my story- while watching those that had fallen victim to my running mouth- and let the judgment fall where it wanted. Where it fell, I have no idea- I didn't sit and ask them all about their judgments when I was finished- but it's normal for judgment to be made- it's how we, as humans work.

And it wasn't until after the story was all done and over with, and my thoughts had been taken elsewhere- that I realized that it was quite possible that I was judged while telling that story- that while I was wondering about the judgments of others- I too was probably being judged. But- there is a fine difference between the judgment that may have been placed on me- and that on the other characters in my story. They have me here- to watch and observe and talk to everyday- to judge everyday. The characters in my story, and any story I choose to tell while I'm here for that matter- they get judged based on how I want them to. All it requires is me bending my words a little this way, twisting them a little that way- and the judgment would change.

But do people really take the time to do that? I'm sure there are people somewhere in this world that do. I, however, am not one of them. I'm going to tell my story- the way in which I recall it happening. I'm going to share my truth. that's it.

The rest dealing with what the outsiders taking in the story choose to do with it- that's out of my hands.

Are you sick of my all across the board thoughts yet?
Good.
Me too.
and thats the sort of thing that plays out in my head all day long
everyday the thoughts take different routes, go down different roads- but don't worry they keep going...even when I'd like them to stop.
Like okay just for kicks I'll just show you where my thoughts went from there.
Generally it's an outside force- that sends my thoughts in a different direction sort of like the theory in physics "an object in motion will stay in motion until influenced by an outside force," I don't it's something along those lines.

So right after the story thoughts ended we went to lunch.
Now my friend and I had to sit at a table with this one boy from our class who I've only ever heard speak when the teachers call on him.
So we eat- he doesn't speak to either of us- we finish- we leave.
And as we are walking up the stairs my friend makes mention of the boy and how he never talks.
How they have been in the same class for seven years and he just doesn't talk, how they used to try to get conversation out of him, to include him but all they got out of him when trying to start up conversation were yes and no answers. The sure and fast conversation killers. seven years this boy has been around these people. seven years of lost conversation- a lot of talking can be done in seven years. Take me for example- do you know how many conversations I could have in seven years, how many stories I could hear- how many times I could be impacted? So many. And so then I became awfully curious- why has this boy chosen to isolate himself? I'm sure if you were to dig deep enough you could find the reasoning- because I'm sure there is some somewhere.
You see it's never ending. always thought. always about something else- something different- something entirely off the wall.

My Friday night proved to be interesting, as most nights here are. I was officially bought my first drink ever, by an Italian man. Yeah so my friend and I meet up before we are supposed to be meeting our other friends and end up at a pub- and there is this group of Italian men, and it was the one's birthday, and so after talking to him awhile he had drinks sent over to our table- and he came over and we said "nazdravi", the equivelant of cheers here, and yeah, it was just really weird. So last week we met British boys, this week it was Italian men, UMMMM where do CZECHS FIT IN HERE??? I am in the CZECH REPUBLIC right?

For anyone that hasn't heard, my ipod died. Which may not sound like such a big deal, except that when you don't have music you realize how dependant you are on it. My music is really important to me, living without it, is not something I enjoy doing, so it's a good thing that I'll soon have it back.

I've been pondering getting dreads while I'm here, don't worry no glue is involved so I won't have to shave my head to get rid of them. I also have this slight desire to get my tongue pierced, which is entirely out of character for me. But I figure that it's the best place to get a piercing as I can take it out and there will be no scar, no damage done- just a memory of some crazy whim I got while I was in Europe....I don't know, we'll see.

Off to go study Czech, I believe tonight I will work on trying to make some logical sense of these seven crazy cases they use....wish me luck.

And do me a favor
lay off on the thinking
I'm doing enough for you and me both
so just don't think too much today
it's exhausting...I promise.

tak....Cau