Ramblings...

Sometimes there is simply this indescribable ache that emerges through my fingers. They constrict ever so slightly and the longer I resist what they are trying to get across to me, the more forceful the constriction becomes until I buckle, simply give in to the message the fingers are trying to spell out for me. Most of the time I have no idea what the fingers are trying to tell me. It would make sense that it requires thought to make anything come from what the fingers have to say. That it, in truth, is my head formulating thoughts and my hands simply releasing them. However, I do not agree with this exactly. Sure there are times when I make the conscious decision to sit down and write. Yet other times- it is more of a feeling I get- and I provide my hands with the keyboard or the writing utensil of choice and let them work their magic. I refer to it as magic, as I don’t know what else you would really call it. The words simply flow from a place I am not exactly in tune with- as I’m not always sure what is going to come out, until it has been engraved and is available for me to read- to set my eyes on and let the meaning sink in. I suppose I am in tune to some degree, if nothing else simply in the subconscious where the thoughts are hidden. Perhaps the secret is that the thoughts do not have any sense or do not exist in this case until they are written down. In talking to other people that occupy this world- it is true that not all experience such a thing in regards to writing. It is not until you explain the sensation to someone who is not at all familiar with such a feeling that you realize that the validating feeling you get to go through from formulating thoughts you didn’t even know existed is not a natural pleasure for all. I consider myself lucky for being one that experiences such things, although I do not deem those that go without such experiences unlucky. I simply know a world in which such an occurrence is commonplace and expected. If all of a sudden it was to up and leave me, it would be greatly missed- as I would have been familiar with a world in which it existed- and then forced to cope in one in which it does not. Those without it- have no true understanding of the sensation and inner warmth that occurs as the words flow through you and onto something tangible- becoming real, something you can see, instead of something that is simply felt. I believe that despite the fact that not everyone experiences a feeling like this from writing- I think in some way shape or form everyone has something in their life that fills them with that feeling. That while they are in the midst of what ever it is that creates this feeling they feel entirely at peace. They are most in tune with themselves- when they are able to tap into the part of themselves that is always open, yet more free flowing at times when it is least expected. Some people would refer to what I’m talking about as a “gift”- I however, choose not to. I like to think of it more as an “ability.” An ability requires you to tap into it, to go along with the urges that come, the intuition that tells me I best pick up a pen- If I think I can handle what it has to say- if I feel up to the task of seeing just what that pen will put to paper. Many I know would claim that it’s painfully obvious I am meant to be a writer. I, however, as much of a dreamer as I am, am to much of a realist to consider such an occupation. Stability is my friend, and as a writer that often is a significant piece missing from your life. You write, but who’s to say anyone will find your writing worth reading? I enjoy going back and reviewing past things I’ve written, I find that to be enough. I don’t need the approval of publishers or the public to validate my writing. I think I keep my writing a bit to close to my heart as well, and having it picked apart and criticized, to be blatantly honest, I’m not sure I could handle. It would be as though someone was to tell you that what your heart has to say and what you feel are wrong. I simply believe that no one is you and cannot make that judgment until they are you, which they never will be- so my point would be that the judgment should not be made. It will be, however. Yet no one can tap into what goes on in that head of yours except you- no one will ever fully understand you as a person. This in itself often scares me as the majority of the time we walk around feeling as though we don’t know ourselves, and if my theory is true and no one else will never know us how we know ourselves- then that translates to the fact that no one knows us- not even ourselves. Scary. Huh? I think part of that is why writers like so much to write. They have the opportunity to create characters and know them absolutely- entirely- completely; in a way that they are unable to know anyone that truly exists and is living. They know every thought the character has, every quirk- every detail down to the one stray gray hair in the sea of hair strands. The author knows all. I may not be going to college to study the art of writing, but it doesn’t mean that the writing will stop. It simply means that I have other interests as far as careers go. I cannot consume myself with a work that simply relies on strings of words flowing together in this puzzle like way. Sometimes I will spend hours writing and when I am through- none of it sounds right- all that time, and nothing worthy to show for it. If writing was my career there would be several times like those- several more than I would like to encounter, those days show up frequent enough as it is. I suppose I sound as though my thoughts are all across the board, but that tends to happen when I start writing without a specific purpose. Give me a subject and I’ll be sure to stay on topic- but let me simply write to write and you will experience a roller coaster of thoughts and most probably end up being quite confused by the time your eyes reach the last period. That however, is in no way my fault. I didn’t tell you to start reading, and I surely did not urge you to continue, and I most definitely did not insist that you continue to the end. Those choices you made all on your own. I simply placed down the right combination of words in hopes that you would start off of my lead and have the urge to see what other random thought I divulged on paper. You see, although the words may not always be free flowing, I generally can keep producing them for as long as my heart desires. Words are one of the free things in life- in literal sense of course. Although just because you aren’t handing out that green stuff in order to use words, on many occasions the price you pay for your words is a lot more than any dollar amount. Words ruin friendships, marriages, jobs, peoples lives; I would never try to put dollar amounts to those things-and you don’t have to pay to get them, the irony is that you pay after they’re gone. You pay for something you no longer have, for something you now only have memories of. How twisted and cruel is that? Well, that is the way life works. Love and joy, pain and hurt- peace and hope- cruel and twisted is what the world is all about. Nothing is as cruel and twisted as life, unless we are discussing death- which is equally so. But then, that naturally makes sense- because despite the fact that they are opposites, opposites generally have more in common than we realize. Hence, the saying opposites attract. You know, I wonder if anyone has ever sat down and tried to figure out this whole entire life thing. I imagine that your head would start to hurt after awhile from all the different thoughts and possibilities of all the different things that life consists of. Honestly, I would never even want to take on the endeavor, for goodness sakes- let all the complexities of life remain a mystery. Now, that is not me saying that I do not like philosophy, I do in fact, very much- but generally philosophers do not philosophize everything- but instead hone in on a certain aspect. Anyways no philosopher lives long enough to philosophize every little thing that this life consists of- well until of course technology has advanced to the point where people live forever- hopefully it doesn’t- if it did I don’t think it would be called living anymore- perhaps at that point it would simply become existing, and that wouldn’t be good for anyone. What really isn’t good for anyone is dwelling on death, or anticipating it. By all means, don’t worry- it will show up- but you can’t spend your life worrying about when or how- what a waste of life; to simply anticipate and constantly think about its end. It is similar to going on a vacation and the whole vacation simply being sad and depressed that it will end.Or in relation to me, being sad my entire exchange because I realize that sooner or later it will be over. That is just a vacation, an exchange- that is a small thing that exists within life. Life. Life exists within its self. Life is Life- it doesn’t get any bigger than that. Although I suppose that’s all relative to your train of thought. However, think about this. If life didn’t exist- then there wouldn’t be anything to “be” bigger- so life is the essential “big.” But then people will argue with that statement too. I never said I was right about anything. And I don’t have to be right to say things. I just have to “be”. But then you could argue with that too. However, if I was to keep myself from writing anything that someone could argue with, then I'd have absolutely nothing to write. You can argue about anything- some will argue that the sky is not blue, that grass is not green, some people argue because they have a valid point, strong beliefs, others simply argue because they get some sort of thrill and pleasure from it. I'm not one of those people, I say pick your battles, sometimes it's just not worth it. Which just brought about the thought of how when we are growing up or parents constantly tell us that we are self centered and all we think about is ourselves, and to think we have the audacity to argue. It's true, although of course none of us will admit it. Who would willingly admit such a thing, without getting defensive and putting up an argument? Yet the truth is we all go through that stage in our lives, for some of us it is simply that; a stage, for others it remains and becomes how we carry out our lives. People emerge from the self centered bubble at different times, or not at all, but I do believe I have emerged from the cacoon and have spread my wings. I feel as though this foreign exchange experience as opened my eyes and made me about others and not so much about myself. I mean, sure I'm aware of myself, but I constantly want to be doing for others, I am aware that this life thing is not all about me- it's about all of us, and the fact that as my friend Ben Lee likes to sing "We're All In This Together". And I don't believe until you realize that, the there is so much more to this thing than you, I think you find yourself in a rut- on a bicycle in mud spinning your wheels but not going anywhere. It wasn't so long ago that I was in that place, and reflecting on it now I was not a person I would want to be, I blindly hurt people that were close to me- because I was constantly only considering myself, and I didn't understand when people became frusturated or upset with me- or perhaps I didn't want to understand- what I was doing all made perfect sense to me, but that's simply because it was all about me. I think had I not come on exchange I would have been stuck in the world of "ME ME ME" for much longer, but it was in going out and having to build relationships all over again that I realized that it's so much easier if everything isn't always about you. Because truth is it's not. It's simply a lie we tell ourselves. Truthly, not much is really about you. Not much at all. It is about US. You know, I find it rather funny because people tend to tell me that they think I have insight, which I really don't- I just pay attention to things. I'm telling if you just pay attention, you too can make people think you have insight. It's not a secret. But the "Secret", now that, that is some secret. Although it's not really a secret anymore because it's become popular and everyone knows about it, but I knew about the Secret, before it was the cool thing to know about- and I like it. I like it a lot. Because it is logical, because it makes sense to me, and because in applying its concepts I have had great things happen. Being here for one, is the product of believing in the secret. You know but people will argue with the Secret as well. As I said people will argue with anything. But why must we argue with people's believes and claim those that don't believe what we believe are WRONG. Then tell me, who is right? Is anyone??? Can't we just all be right, and leave other peoples beliefs alone without attacking them? People argue about things such as religion as though they are kids at a candy shop arguing over the last sucker. Some things are worth arguing, other things I think should just be left alone. Again, simply my thoughts. You don't have to keep reading, and I never asked you to agree. This is not a persuasive essay, I promise, I'm not even sure if I can remember how to write one of those....kidding. Okay I think I've rambled for long enough, and I thought that perhaps I should go back and seperate this into paragraphs, but paragraphs are used to seperate ideas, and although there are individual ideas throughout this, they all kind of just flowed and meshed together, so I'm choosing to leave it just as it is, because that is how it came out, I was just answering to the call of my fingers. Now you know what happens, when they call.

until the fingers crave the keyboard once again,
your rambler
currently writing to you from what is considered the "Heart of Europe"
my home away from home

Transitions

I recently felt as though I had stepped into a movie, or more like I had stepped into fragments of movies and they had all been meshed together to make up what currently is the life I am leading. At one point I felt as though I was taken to the dancing scene from the Titanic, in another as though Jack Sparrow had entered the room and further that I was living in the midst of the Brady Bunch.
I was invited by a friend to a Ples ( a ball) in her village, where she was to perform a traditional Czech dance. It was in a village so was naturally a lot smaller and less extravagant than the other Balls I have attended. Everyone was cousins, and brothers and sisters, and everyone knew everyone.
At one point there was this Czech tradition where as a girl you go and ask a guy to dance, and then he must buy you these sweets that they are selling. Since Valentines day is approaching the cakes were these large hearts. So what you do is you pick a boy, you dance- and he buys you a cake. So I made three different guys dance with me- and ended up with three cakes…it was fun and made me wish we had things like this at home.
I danced continuously all night long- and just before three a.m. when I danced my last dance- I believe my feet were on autopilot as I was no longer aware of what I was really doing- my feet hurt and it’s a miracle they were still moving.
At one point a farmer- who is infamous for always being drunk at these functions and getting up and dancing on tables- did just that- and I couldn’t stop laughing. I got it on video…don’t worry.

The thing about being here is that everyday provides something new- some unchartered territory-something entirely new and unseen by me ever before. It may have routine and structure- but always lurking around the corner is something new for me to discover. Although this possibility exists at home as well- in the grand scheme of things it really doesn’t. Home is familiar- so you may have new experiences but the majority of the time- because it is normalicy- home- it doesn’t impact you as much, but perhaps we are at fault for that. Perhaps if we want to be impacted by the new occurrences and events in our lives- perhaps that is our prerogative.
This place has taught me so much about myself- so much more than I believe home ever did in the past. I think leaving all you know is a rather self validating experience- in allowing you to see that you are capable of such things, and that although you may not always feel so strong- you are a lot stronger than you think. It basically comes down to the fact that you are strong when you realize you have to be.

Now I may sound crazy, but what’s new? I feel as though the Czech Republic held a piece of me and was simply waiting for me to come and claim it. I could have gone to other countries- could have chosen another location on that massive map we call our world- I could have, but what is important is that I didn’t. The Czech Republic was my first choice from the beginning and it remained that way through out the whole selection process.
Before I came here, to me, it was simply an unknown land mass, some piece of land I’d had yet to step foot on. Something new. Something different. And now it has become my home away from home.
The exchange student from Canada and I were talking the other day- and she made mention of how I’m different now than I was when I first met her- which kind of threw me, because mostly I just feel more complete- slightly different- but mostly complete- these changes she mentions I’m sure I’ll notice in time. I know that I’m growing up- but that would have occurred regardless of my location in the world.

This place gives me motivation, drive. I realize that if I go out into this world and I find failure- that it is okay. You simply re-build- start over. It is not easy by any means, but it can be done. I left everything I knew- and have built a world up a round me- and am living life. I am living life.

I recently moved to my new host families and am thoroughly excited- as we only speak Czech. My hope is that in the following months my Czech will improve at a more rapid pace- as I have them on my side aiding me in this learning process. Czech is a hard language. It is a bitch, really. But it’s not impossible- it can be learned as most things can. So I’m trying my best- and that is all I can do.

The sun is shining today- it’s coming through my window, beaming in on my desk- Spring my friends is right around the corner; already. Time I’ve realized is something you just have to learn to accept. It’s going to come and it’s going to go- and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it, so getting all caught up in it will not do anything- and it surely won’t stop it. Enjoy what is happening in this moment. Right here. Right now. That really is all you can do. Time does not operate on your terms, it’s actually quite the opposite. You operate on times terms. Your life begins when time allows, and also comes to a screeching halt- when time is up. Time I believe is one of the biggest mysteries- and it’s no doubt that it’s going to stay that way.

I’ve realized lately that I think I can change people’s lives. I realize that may sound cheap and like something you’ve heard politicians say time and time again. But I’m serious. I don’t mean it in the “I am going to change the world” sort of way- but I think that perhaps I can impact some of the people that this world consists of. People need people. This is common knowledge however how many of us have people in our lives that are there to constantly uplift and motivate? I mean sure to some extent, but generally jealously steps in or something else of that sort- and they don’t always want to be our personal cheerleaders. I have the need, the desire to give motivation- words of encouragement. I want to uplift people- make them realize their potential- show them just what they can do if they believe in themselves, and their abilities. I have so much of me to give out and infect people with the ability to believe in themselves and fulfill their potential. I am only concerned with the fact that in giving to others and making my attempt to change lives- that I will somehow forget to give to myself. Which probably makes me sound selfish- but that is not what that is about at all. If I forget to give to myself- if I stop doing for me what I am trying to do for others- I will fail. This is not a question, it is a reality. I was told the other day the last word the person I was talking to would use to describe me is – hypocrite. If this is true, then I cannot be giving to others when I’m not giving to myself. They both need to co inside- I need to give to myself in order to give to others. Otherwise it simply won’t work. But the fear that I will forget about me, isn’t to far fetched of a thought. People mean a lot to me. The people that are in my life mean a lot to me- and I make sure that they know it. I invest a lot in people- sometimes so much, that in the past I have lost sense of my own self identity and have fallen to a place where I was no longer giving to myself- and I was not happy. I kept giving, because it is what I do- and remained one of the things I truly enjoyed getting pleasure from- but the giving made me feel empty. I was giving to others and I couldn’t even give to myself. Since being here, I’ve had people write me and say that I helped guide them in the right directions when I was there- and that they don’t know how to do it without me. In my mind I failed in that relationship. Through my giving I somehow made the person feel dependent upon me- when my true intention had been to cause them to feel dependent on themselves.











I took a break from writing- after all you’ve just read and went with my new host mom to a flower exhibition. It sounds strange perhaps- but she offered and I jumped at the chance. You learn as an exchange student to take the offer of even the most peculiar of invitations- because it means an experience for something new- and bonding time with people you know you don’t have much time with. When arriving at the flower exhibit host mom informed me that before she studied law she studied flowers- which is what I believe a botanist does.. although don’t quote me on that. I am not familiar with the studies of flowers. It was really nice actually- being here I get the opportunity to enjoy life’s simplicities…to stop and smell the flowers ( no pun intended) to sit back and really look at a flower- and observe its beauty. Most often we have so much going on that the thought of looking at a flower doesn’t even cross our minds- let alone standing and observing one. We forget about the simplicities because we are all caught up in the things we need to do- instead of the things we’d really like to be doing.
We walked around the exhibit- host mom bought a couple of plants and we headed out the doors.
We started to walk down the sidewalk towards the car- when host mom suddenly stopped- turned to me and asked if I wanted to go for coffee, and I said sure- and so we headed on our way to a pastry shop- and sat and had espressos and a piece of picturesque raspberry cake and visited. We talked about her job as a lawyer- how it is hard because you have to separate your work from your home life- which is tiring and sometimes leaves you in a bad mood at the end of the day- despite your best efforts to keep work away from home. She told me about a recent case involving three prostiutes and how they took their clients credit card and made all these charges. Yeah- I’m sure not what the client intended. Also in the Czech Republic there is no jury in their system- which basically means that host mom- as a judge holds all the power when making her decisions. Which I’m sure is quite the load to carry. We also talked about how I want to be a lawyer- but how I’m thinking I want to study psychology for my bachelors degree. She said that was good- as psychology plays a big part in law- as far as being able to read people and such, but that also to be aware of the fact that in psychology you get personal with people- while in law- it is crucial that you keep people at a distance. We talked about so much really- we just sat and talked and drank our coffee and ate our cake- and the whole conversation was in Czech, besides the few English words I’d throw in every once in awhile because I didn’t know the Czech word for what I was trying to say. We left and I thanked her, explaining that it was a nice day- and that with my last host mom I didn’t get this because she had a little one and had to take care of her. The sun was shining and we walked through the main square and back to the car- and it isn’t even as though we did all that much, but it was simply a nice outing. I really really like my new host mom- Iwas afraid initially as the Canadian didn’t seem to like this host family a whole lot, but then again we are two very different people and maybe they just didn’t mesh. However- I think we mesh, and I am rather excited as I’m almost positive there will be a noticeable difference in my Czech in me living here- and some memorable experiences as host mom and I seem to have quite a bit in common.
I was also reflecting on my last host family. You find yourself doing comparsions- it’s quite funny actually, but if you ever find yourself in the situation of having a new family every few months- I think you’ll understand. I liked my last host family overall, yet often I found myself feeling uncomfortable- out of place- and in the way. I think part of that had to do with the fact that the house was rather small and was housing five people a cat and a dog. Or perhaps it is because I felt ignored a lot of the time- I’m not sure exactly. I think while living there I had convinced myself that perhaps I was only making myself feel uncomfortable- that I was inflicting these feelings on myself. But being here for less than a week- I don’t think I was inflicting anything on myself- I simply think how I felt- was how it was. Because here I feel at ease, comfortable- and talked to. I go to events, to dance lessons- and my host parents actually ask me how they were when I get home- ask me what dances I learned, etc. They actually show a genuine interest in my life here. It is just a really nice feeling. A feeling I’ve truly missed for the last five months. It is funny the things you realize you value when they suddenly up and leave- things that seem insignificant, until they are gone.


Get out and live today.
Be true.
Be real.
Be you.
that's all anyone wants anyway---to know the real you
there's no time for pretending to be something your not.
Be you.
Live Life.
That's all.
simple.
that's all.

Across the Atlantic- but closer than you think