Ramblings...

Sometimes there is simply this indescribable ache that emerges through my fingers. They constrict ever so slightly and the longer I resist what they are trying to get across to me, the more forceful the constriction becomes until I buckle, simply give in to the message the fingers are trying to spell out for me. Most of the time I have no idea what the fingers are trying to tell me. It would make sense that it requires thought to make anything come from what the fingers have to say. That it, in truth, is my head formulating thoughts and my hands simply releasing them. However, I do not agree with this exactly. Sure there are times when I make the conscious decision to sit down and write. Yet other times- it is more of a feeling I get- and I provide my hands with the keyboard or the writing utensil of choice and let them work their magic. I refer to it as magic, as I don’t know what else you would really call it. The words simply flow from a place I am not exactly in tune with- as I’m not always sure what is going to come out, until it has been engraved and is available for me to read- to set my eyes on and let the meaning sink in. I suppose I am in tune to some degree, if nothing else simply in the subconscious where the thoughts are hidden. Perhaps the secret is that the thoughts do not have any sense or do not exist in this case until they are written down. In talking to other people that occupy this world- it is true that not all experience such a thing in regards to writing. It is not until you explain the sensation to someone who is not at all familiar with such a feeling that you realize that the validating feeling you get to go through from formulating thoughts you didn’t even know existed is not a natural pleasure for all. I consider myself lucky for being one that experiences such things, although I do not deem those that go without such experiences unlucky. I simply know a world in which such an occurrence is commonplace and expected. If all of a sudden it was to up and leave me, it would be greatly missed- as I would have been familiar with a world in which it existed- and then forced to cope in one in which it does not. Those without it- have no true understanding of the sensation and inner warmth that occurs as the words flow through you and onto something tangible- becoming real, something you can see, instead of something that is simply felt. I believe that despite the fact that not everyone experiences a feeling like this from writing- I think in some way shape or form everyone has something in their life that fills them with that feeling. That while they are in the midst of what ever it is that creates this feeling they feel entirely at peace. They are most in tune with themselves- when they are able to tap into the part of themselves that is always open, yet more free flowing at times when it is least expected. Some people would refer to what I’m talking about as a “gift”- I however, choose not to. I like to think of it more as an “ability.” An ability requires you to tap into it, to go along with the urges that come, the intuition that tells me I best pick up a pen- If I think I can handle what it has to say- if I feel up to the task of seeing just what that pen will put to paper. Many I know would claim that it’s painfully obvious I am meant to be a writer. I, however, as much of a dreamer as I am, am to much of a realist to consider such an occupation. Stability is my friend, and as a writer that often is a significant piece missing from your life. You write, but who’s to say anyone will find your writing worth reading? I enjoy going back and reviewing past things I’ve written, I find that to be enough. I don’t need the approval of publishers or the public to validate my writing. I think I keep my writing a bit to close to my heart as well, and having it picked apart and criticized, to be blatantly honest, I’m not sure I could handle. It would be as though someone was to tell you that what your heart has to say and what you feel are wrong. I simply believe that no one is you and cannot make that judgment until they are you, which they never will be- so my point would be that the judgment should not be made. It will be, however. Yet no one can tap into what goes on in that head of yours except you- no one will ever fully understand you as a person. This in itself often scares me as the majority of the time we walk around feeling as though we don’t know ourselves, and if my theory is true and no one else will never know us how we know ourselves- then that translates to the fact that no one knows us- not even ourselves. Scary. Huh? I think part of that is why writers like so much to write. They have the opportunity to create characters and know them absolutely- entirely- completely; in a way that they are unable to know anyone that truly exists and is living. They know every thought the character has, every quirk- every detail down to the one stray gray hair in the sea of hair strands. The author knows all. I may not be going to college to study the art of writing, but it doesn’t mean that the writing will stop. It simply means that I have other interests as far as careers go. I cannot consume myself with a work that simply relies on strings of words flowing together in this puzzle like way. Sometimes I will spend hours writing and when I am through- none of it sounds right- all that time, and nothing worthy to show for it. If writing was my career there would be several times like those- several more than I would like to encounter, those days show up frequent enough as it is. I suppose I sound as though my thoughts are all across the board, but that tends to happen when I start writing without a specific purpose. Give me a subject and I’ll be sure to stay on topic- but let me simply write to write and you will experience a roller coaster of thoughts and most probably end up being quite confused by the time your eyes reach the last period. That however, is in no way my fault. I didn’t tell you to start reading, and I surely did not urge you to continue, and I most definitely did not insist that you continue to the end. Those choices you made all on your own. I simply placed down the right combination of words in hopes that you would start off of my lead and have the urge to see what other random thought I divulged on paper. You see, although the words may not always be free flowing, I generally can keep producing them for as long as my heart desires. Words are one of the free things in life- in literal sense of course. Although just because you aren’t handing out that green stuff in order to use words, on many occasions the price you pay for your words is a lot more than any dollar amount. Words ruin friendships, marriages, jobs, peoples lives; I would never try to put dollar amounts to those things-and you don’t have to pay to get them, the irony is that you pay after they’re gone. You pay for something you no longer have, for something you now only have memories of. How twisted and cruel is that? Well, that is the way life works. Love and joy, pain and hurt- peace and hope- cruel and twisted is what the world is all about. Nothing is as cruel and twisted as life, unless we are discussing death- which is equally so. But then, that naturally makes sense- because despite the fact that they are opposites, opposites generally have more in common than we realize. Hence, the saying opposites attract. You know, I wonder if anyone has ever sat down and tried to figure out this whole entire life thing. I imagine that your head would start to hurt after awhile from all the different thoughts and possibilities of all the different things that life consists of. Honestly, I would never even want to take on the endeavor, for goodness sakes- let all the complexities of life remain a mystery. Now, that is not me saying that I do not like philosophy, I do in fact, very much- but generally philosophers do not philosophize everything- but instead hone in on a certain aspect. Anyways no philosopher lives long enough to philosophize every little thing that this life consists of- well until of course technology has advanced to the point where people live forever- hopefully it doesn’t- if it did I don’t think it would be called living anymore- perhaps at that point it would simply become existing, and that wouldn’t be good for anyone. What really isn’t good for anyone is dwelling on death, or anticipating it. By all means, don’t worry- it will show up- but you can’t spend your life worrying about when or how- what a waste of life; to simply anticipate and constantly think about its end. It is similar to going on a vacation and the whole vacation simply being sad and depressed that it will end.Or in relation to me, being sad my entire exchange because I realize that sooner or later it will be over. That is just a vacation, an exchange- that is a small thing that exists within life. Life. Life exists within its self. Life is Life- it doesn’t get any bigger than that. Although I suppose that’s all relative to your train of thought. However, think about this. If life didn’t exist- then there wouldn’t be anything to “be” bigger- so life is the essential “big.” But then people will argue with that statement too. I never said I was right about anything. And I don’t have to be right to say things. I just have to “be”. But then you could argue with that too. However, if I was to keep myself from writing anything that someone could argue with, then I'd have absolutely nothing to write. You can argue about anything- some will argue that the sky is not blue, that grass is not green, some people argue because they have a valid point, strong beliefs, others simply argue because they get some sort of thrill and pleasure from it. I'm not one of those people, I say pick your battles, sometimes it's just not worth it. Which just brought about the thought of how when we are growing up or parents constantly tell us that we are self centered and all we think about is ourselves, and to think we have the audacity to argue. It's true, although of course none of us will admit it. Who would willingly admit such a thing, without getting defensive and putting up an argument? Yet the truth is we all go through that stage in our lives, for some of us it is simply that; a stage, for others it remains and becomes how we carry out our lives. People emerge from the self centered bubble at different times, or not at all, but I do believe I have emerged from the cacoon and have spread my wings. I feel as though this foreign exchange experience as opened my eyes and made me about others and not so much about myself. I mean, sure I'm aware of myself, but I constantly want to be doing for others, I am aware that this life thing is not all about me- it's about all of us, and the fact that as my friend Ben Lee likes to sing "We're All In This Together". And I don't believe until you realize that, the there is so much more to this thing than you, I think you find yourself in a rut- on a bicycle in mud spinning your wheels but not going anywhere. It wasn't so long ago that I was in that place, and reflecting on it now I was not a person I would want to be, I blindly hurt people that were close to me- because I was constantly only considering myself, and I didn't understand when people became frusturated or upset with me- or perhaps I didn't want to understand- what I was doing all made perfect sense to me, but that's simply because it was all about me. I think had I not come on exchange I would have been stuck in the world of "ME ME ME" for much longer, but it was in going out and having to build relationships all over again that I realized that it's so much easier if everything isn't always about you. Because truth is it's not. It's simply a lie we tell ourselves. Truthly, not much is really about you. Not much at all. It is about US. You know, I find it rather funny because people tend to tell me that they think I have insight, which I really don't- I just pay attention to things. I'm telling if you just pay attention, you too can make people think you have insight. It's not a secret. But the "Secret", now that, that is some secret. Although it's not really a secret anymore because it's become popular and everyone knows about it, but I knew about the Secret, before it was the cool thing to know about- and I like it. I like it a lot. Because it is logical, because it makes sense to me, and because in applying its concepts I have had great things happen. Being here for one, is the product of believing in the secret. You know but people will argue with the Secret as well. As I said people will argue with anything. But why must we argue with people's believes and claim those that don't believe what we believe are WRONG. Then tell me, who is right? Is anyone??? Can't we just all be right, and leave other peoples beliefs alone without attacking them? People argue about things such as religion as though they are kids at a candy shop arguing over the last sucker. Some things are worth arguing, other things I think should just be left alone. Again, simply my thoughts. You don't have to keep reading, and I never asked you to agree. This is not a persuasive essay, I promise, I'm not even sure if I can remember how to write one of those....kidding. Okay I think I've rambled for long enough, and I thought that perhaps I should go back and seperate this into paragraphs, but paragraphs are used to seperate ideas, and although there are individual ideas throughout this, they all kind of just flowed and meshed together, so I'm choosing to leave it just as it is, because that is how it came out, I was just answering to the call of my fingers. Now you know what happens, when they call.

until the fingers crave the keyboard once again,
your rambler
currently writing to you from what is considered the "Heart of Europe"
my home away from home