Leaving

Leaving. One word. Yet the power it holds; contains is limitless; never ending. It can be the turning over of a new leaf; the leaving behind of the old. It can consist of exiting a life of fear and entering one of comfort. It could mean letting go of the love of your life, because although it may be the hardest thing to do, it may just be the right thing. The one thing about leaving that always rings true is that it's scary. It doesn't matter if you're leaving something good behind or something full of hurt and brokedness. It will still remain scary. Yet, despite that we all have to do it at some point in our lives. We all feel that pit in our stomaches that resonates throughout our entire bodies-yet in the end we push through that and make our exit. We Leave.

One week and counting...

At this point I have about a week left, or perhaps only six days, I'm not sure. Regardless, that is very little time, so little that I don't even know what to do with it. My bags are packed so that is one less area I need to spend my time-but now what? How do I decide how to slice and dice my time and dish it out? How do I want to leave this place?what last experiences would I like to have before I go? I don't know. Each day I wake up with the intention of getting so much done, of getting a few "goodbyes" out of the way, of seeing certain places for the last time, and despite the fact that I have the best of intentions I end the day early and without a fraction of what I wanted to do accomplished. It is a rather unsettling and sickening feeling that I can't seem to shake. I need to shake it, some way, somehow.

Climbing back up from the meltdown...

I recently have become aware of how much I overestimated myself, of the fact that I'm not nearly as strong as I had previously thought. I thought that leaving was going to be fairly easy, that I was going to handle it well, and throughout most of Summer I did. Or i suppose I just didn't think about it so it wasn't real. It hit me though, and when it did it hit hard. I stopped talking to people, stopped answering my phone and spent a mass majority of my time either crying or sleeping. I am however at the tail end of that and find it hard to cry these days. I think perhaps I cried so much that I'm just numb to it anymore, which maybe is a good thing. I've heard from my host family now, and am pretty much packed and ready to go, and I think I'm dealing, or at least handling leaving. It is going to be so good for me, and I am going to grow and learn and experience so much. Despite the fact that I'm going into something entirely unknown, I think I'm ready. Ready as I'll ever be.

On Leaving Soon...

My feet currently remain on American soil, in a place I call home, yet not for much longer. Sleep these days is not something I get a lot of, and this is purely by choice. I guess I figure that the less I sleep the more living I will get to do and I want to do as much as possible before I leave. I described this whole feeling to someone the other day I simply said, " you find yourself feeling as though you are dying" at which point they looked at me puzzled and I continued, " I am leaving, I am going to removed from everyone and I just feel like I'm constantly juggling my schedule fitting people in wherever possible, because they mean a lot to me and I want time with them before I go." And really that is how I feel- like there is only so much time---and yet so much I want to do, people I want to see---and its the sad truth that I won't get to do it all. Packing is something I'm still trying to avoid, although I have started doing it. And every morning I wake up to those suitcases, haunting me on my bedroom floor and they just remind me that leaving isn't getting any further away; that I better jump in that shower and start my day, because my days left here are numbered. I don't think I'm as scared to leave as I am anxious. I think this whole build up; all this time I have to sit and think about what I'm leaving behind is tripping me up. I think that perhaps once I'm on that flight, and I've made my choice--that it will be easier to continue on. I guess perhaps its just knowing at this moment that there is still an out, you could still change your mind. Am I at the point where I would even consider that? Not at all, but I think its more knowing thats an option that anything else, the whole security of having that choice. This is going to be an amazing experience, and I am going to grow in ways I could never imagine, and despite the fact that I'm leaving so much behind, I will be gaining so much in the process. It will just be different, and hey, different is good.